Brat Out Of Control

It's been awhile since I have posted here .............

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 16:19:00 +0000

It's been awhile since I have posted here but I am still ALIVE lol. Things are about the same as when I stopped posting back in May , nothing in my D/s relationship has really changed much. I guess I just have been dealing with it by not dealing with it , if that makes sense. I love MG and he loves me but there is something missing and I can't quite figure out what.

Well I know what is missing but it can't be fixed so not dealing with it hurts the least and that is how it has to be. As I sit here and write this I am crying , the very reason why I HATE thinking about these things. It's pretty sad that I am in a relationship yet I feel VERY alone :( I don't feel like my feelings ever get validated and I NEVER get heard or at least that is how I feel.

I thought getting out of a very abusive D/s relationship would FIX the rest but it hasn't. In fact I cry more now than I did when I was with my ex.....how sad is that! Half the time I put on happy face but really deep down I am FAR from happy. I am very good at hiding my feelings when I know I need too but I mainly hide my feelings so I don't get hurt again :(

Well I know that this is a depressing first post after being gone for seven months ....sorry! Happy Holidays everyone!!

So much for a tear free weekend :(

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Sat, 09 May 2009 22:12:00 +0000

This entire week has been stressful and the weekend hasn't been much better. I get up this morning and am feeling really blah and just cranky so thinking that a spanking would help I ask for one and got a good six swats from the paddle and afterwards I felt better but it didn't last!! My day was just the day from HELL!! My car has no air and I am waiting on my damn warranty company to approve $900.00 worth of work to get it fixed but living in Texas with no air in your vehicle is hell so that just aggravated me even more!! MG and I go to walmart to get groceries and we get to the check out lane and my debit card gets denied and I don't know why because I just had put money in the bank. So the cashier tells me to try a credit instead of a debit and it approved it through credit ( thank god for over drafts LOL) So I go back to the bank and they tell me that the money is there and it must have been some type of gliche on walmart's part ...of course they don't take the blame therefore they blame someone else. So that was my day!! Of course MG says to worry gets nothing accomplished and if there is nothing you can do about it why worry ....well I guess that is an older person's thinking LOL ....because a 35 year old's thinking is totally different and he agrees that when he was my age he was the same way!!

So after all that we get home and put the groceries away and I am thinking that the day has to get better but it doesn't ......:( So MG goes to the cigar shop to smoke a cigar and be with the guys and I just succumb to the day's aggravation and cry for a good hour and a half on the couch!! That is what I do when I just can't take it anymore and most of the time I do feel better afterwards. My first thought was to go to bed for the rest of the night and just not deal with anything more but I am working tonight so I can't do that!! I guess I am just tired of life's problems but I know that is just life and they aren't going to go away!!

Sometimes I think having a baby will help me ....give me something to be happy about and give myself something to concentrate on besides my problems. I am 35 years old with no kids ....and the older I get the more I think about wanting to have a baby! But MG doesn't want children due to his age and he feels that would just be unfair to the child. I don't know ....I guess I am confused on what answer is right! I have always wanted to have children and it's something I think about often and I thought by now those feelings would have gone away but they haven't! I think about MG and I age difference and how I will be the one left alone when he is gone and that is very scary for me .....so I think if I have a baby then at least I wouldn't be alone! I know it's crazy thinking but it's how I feel!!

Back and no shortage of spankings for me :)

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:28:00 +0000

Just what the icon says "I am a spoiled brat' ...sometimes :) Although I am sure MG would say ..."All the time" LOL. Well I am back and I missed blogging here but I just needed a break from blogging, from spanking, from the lifestyle and from dealing with my problems!! I have been doing good and working on my issues that I have been going through for quite some time now.

I guess I just needed a break from everything in order to think about what I want in life and where I am going in life. For the past three years I have been kind of "LOST" and feeling like my life has ended although life goes on no matter what happens. Any ways I needed some time to just regroup and think about things. MG and I are doing better so this is a plus. We always seem to work things out and I think it's because we both truly love each other. Things are not perfect by no means but we are at least communicating more and I am trusting him more to open up :)

I have had plenty of spankings ...no shortage there LOL. Like I said I am a spoiled brat :)

UNHAPPY :(

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:17:00 +0000

Unhappy to be me

Unhappy tears down my cheek

Unhappy yet it's something more I seek.

Unhappy with everything in my life

Unhappy and now I am nobody's wife

Unhappy with myself but there's more to life than this , right?

Unhappy and every day is a fight.

Haven't Posted In Awhile Because ...........

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 22:20:00 +0000

It's been some time since I have posted and it's due to alot of reasons right now. I am stressed beyond belief and just haven't had enough spanking to help relieve any of it. Time has been a factor lately and even on weekends when there is time I am just not in the mood to be hit by anyone. My emotional state right now is NOT good :( I have actually thought about therapy but just can't afford it right now therefore I try to deal with it in the best way I know how. I cry alot .....every single night after work in fact and for awhile I thought "Well it's good therapy to just cry it out" but deep down I know that this is not normal behavior. I think I am depressed and I just don't know how to deal with it.

I try to confide in MG but there are times that I feel he just doesn't get it or understand me. I know he means well but being insensitive towards me at times when I just need him to say "Baby I am here for you" and just give me a hug but instead he is insensitive towards my needs and I feel rejected therefore I shut down and don't let him in because if I let him in then I might get hurt. There is just alot of stress ....stress at work , stress at home, stress in our D/s relationship..............just TO MUCH STRESS!

I don't feel submissive at all ....haven't felt that way for a while now and it eats away at me a whole lot. MG is not used to being in a full-time D/s or DD relationship so it makes it all the harder. I "brat" to just get his attention and sometimes when that does not work I will go further and just do something totally ridiculous ....it's a vicious cycle and I really hate it. I need more control and I have told him this and he says ok he will fix it and it NEVER gets fixed so yeah it's frustrating as hell to deal with. I still blame myself for it ALL too. It's always in the back of my mind that if I were thin with a nice figure then it would all go away ......that everything would be different with our D/s relationship and sexual relationship too. It's ALWAYS in the back of my mind especially when something isn't going right in our relationship. So as you can see I have not posted in awhile because I am just under alot of tremendous stress in all directions of my life. Ok this vent is now over!

RANT ABOUT ANONYMOUS COMMENTS MADE BY A JERK!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 23:16:00 +0000

This is to all the anonymous SOB's that think it's funny to leave rude comments on my blog. Thanks to these "freaks" I now have set it where I will have to approve my comments , which I thought I had on in the first place but apparently not.

Usually I don't address such nonsense publicly but I am BEYOND PISSED OFF!! I have had this blog for a little over 2 years now and when I first created it ...it was for ME. A place where I can come and safely express my thoughts, feelings and anything else I wish to express without being judged!

Yes I have anonymitity here because I choose to for several personal reasons but I am a real person who has feelings! This person was beyond cruel and needless to say I ended up in tears at his/her words. I know they are NOT true but for someone to judge me just because I am a person who loves the lifestyle is NOT RIGHT!! I am overly sensitive any ways and this was the LAST thing I needed in my life right now!!

I was going to post the comments from MR. OR MS. ANONYMOUS but I didn't want to stoop to thier level so I decided not too. Yes I guess I do come to MY BLOG here and complain, bitch, whine and brat but it's my space and if I need to vent those feelings in a post then I will do so as I please. No I don't need BEAT you asshole ...I had that for 10 years in my life and said goodbye to that over two years ago and NO ONE has the right to BEAT anyone whether they are in the lifestyle or not. MG is a very sensitive and sweet guy and he would NEVER lay a hand on me in that manner at which I am thankful for .....it's about time I deserve some peace and happiness in a relationship! Yes he spanks me when I need it , deserve it or even ask for it's always out of love and concern for me!

As for my "cussing and being a obedient submissive" (as you stated you idiot) I am NOT some door mat for ANYONE to step all over! Yes I do have a slight cussing problem and I am working on thatand MG is also helping me with that but your NOT my boss so get over yourself! Maybe I do need a good spanking with some soap for my language but again YOUR NOT MY BOSS ASSHOLE SO GET OVER YOURSELF!! I am just sooooooo angry at this person that I didn't know what else to do but post an entry about it and at least I can vent my side of this! MG is a GOOD MAN and I won't allow ANYONE to talk bad about him and I think it is soooooooooo UNFAIR of this person to judge either of us when they don't know us at all. Yes I have posted some very angry and expressive entries about our D/s relationship and there are problems but there are also good entries too! Our relationship is not perfect , it has it's problems but we are happy and that is all that matters.

I am sorry to my other readers for such an explosive rant but I am so angry at this person and I didn't want to let this go unknown. I just felt that I needed to let this person know that I DO NOT APPRECIATE what he/she said. As for my other readers who have left nice comments and good advice I say THANKS! I know that I am going to get some very controversial comments from people who either don't understand D/s therefore they judge because they are either misinformed or it's uncomfortable for them so this is how they deal with it. I also understand that because I have part of my life on public display through this blog that I will get people who are going to say hurtful things because it's different and they don't understand it therefore it's only human nature to judge me or say cruel things about me. But I also will excercise my right to DEFEND MYSELF and that is what this entry is about! Do I regret creating "BRAT OUT OF CONTROL" ....NO I don't because I have made many, many good friends through this blog :) It's really been mostly a positive experience for me and this "JERK" who left these nasty comments caught me at a bad time and off guard and that is the reason why I am so angry. I won't stop posting here because this is my place to vent how I feel in a safe manner! It takes alot more to run this BRAT off :)

Writing Lines/ Torn with a heavy heart/ Random Thoughts!!

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 21:00:00 +0000

Things have been going pretty good with MG and I since the last few entries I have written. I was reading on those entries today and boy was I "angry". It's funny how at the time your writing it all down you seem to forget how angry you really are until you calm down and take the time to read it again and see how angry you really were. Any ways this blog is my safety zone where I can vent about anything I want and it has really helped me since starting it. I like to write my feelings down because it is theraputic in alot of ways.

But the one time I hate "WRITING" is when MG punishes me by having me write

lines :( This is one punishment I can do without! MG and I have talked about what is going on with me as far as why spanking alone isn't working to improve my behavior. Our relationship is a complicated one but adding a full-time D/s relationship into the mix and it gets really complicated. Our relationship has it's ups and downs but overall I think we are headed in the right direction , at least most of the time. It's far from perfect but nothing is perfect and I have to keep reminding myself of this. I finally had to admit something to MG that I really didn't want to admit to even myself but I knew deep down in my heart that what I needed was more than spanking to get my behavior under control.

So this past weekend I told MG that I thought he needed to add to my punishments but in the non-corporal sense. I didn't want him taking spanking out of the picture because I need that to feel loved and connected to him but I did think that adding things like soaping my mouth, writing lines or writing an essay, standing in the corner or even strapping my hands would help with the issues we were dealing with. I LOVE spanking and I love it so much that it's very hard to "punish" me through spanking only , it just does not work and as much as I didn't like that idea I had to admit that this is just the way I am and I need to learn how to accept it. I think that admitting this to myself and then admitting this to MG has helped me alot. If you don't admit something then that means your in denial and I was in denial for a long time about this issue. So I told him that using punishments I hate would help and I think it will.

I got into some trouble last night for doing something that MG hates and I have been told by him several times that I am not allowed to do it but in my mind I think I am therefore him just spanking me for this incident hasn't worked. So last night I did get spanked for disobeying but he also added a punishment that I hate and that is writing lines. I have to write 500 lines and I tell you it has been NO FUN!! I have 250 lines written already but I am only half way there and I am dreading writing the other 250 tonight but I will do it because I want this to work too. I have to get to the point in this relationship where I know who is boss and I haven't got there yet but I am working on it. MG asked me today if I think I am learning my lesson by writing these lines and I told him yes. I am learning that I can't do as I please and I am learning that he is serious when he says something then that means I better listen. I really feel that this is going to work so much better than just spanking me and that's it. There are some other things that I want to change in our relationship but I haven't had the time to sit down and talk to him about that. But that is kind of an update to what is going on in our spanking world :)

Tonight I have a good friend of mine coming over and we have been friends for a long time , actually she is a Domme and we started out with spanking play but we have become really good friends in that process. She and I were supposed to meet up last Friday night but she cancelled due to a family emergency so tonight she is coming over so we can just chat and also have a little play time as well. There are certain things that she can give me that MG can't right now and honestly I don't think he ever will be able too. I have been avoiding meeting up with her because I just didn't want to add more to this relationship than there already is but I just can't stand it anymore and I have given in and just said ...."Oh well". I love MG with all of my heart and soul and I was trying to only play with him but there are things missing that I need and want and he just doesn't get it. I have really battled with this and cried many tears over it as well because I am heart broken that I am going to play with her while I am in a relationship with him :( But I won't go without ALL of my needs being met either. You see I believe that while your in a relationship you should be "faithful" in all things in that relationship , whether it be sex, spanking play, bdsm. I just feel that it's being selfish if you have to play with others when you are in a relationship. I also know for a fact that it causes problems in a relationship when you are playing with others and when your significant other is playing with others .......been there and done that in my last relationship and it was a DISASTER!

So tonight I have a heavy heart about playing with her but she can give me things that MG will not give me. He says it's ok that I play with her as long as I am safe and there is no injuries on me with the play spanking but it still bothers me. I am not even sure if I can play with her tonight because of how I feel and she is such a good friend and told me not to worry about it and if we just talk then we can do that too. I don't usually get along with females and I have very few female friends but she is one female friend that I get along with very well and she is a true friend and maybe that is the difference. But I can talk to her about what is going on with me and she listens and gives me good advice and sometimes she just lets me talk and get it all out because I think that is what I need sometimes. I just hate being this sad :( I know that MG loves me but I sometimes wonder if he really enjoys playing with me because I am a woman and because of my age. He is used to playing with young males and females between the ages of 18-30 and I am 35 so maybe I am to old, to fat, or the wrong gender ....that is where my thoughts are on that. I am just so torn up inside about it and I cry way to often about it. So that is where my heart and thoughts are tonight!!

SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 22:29:00 +0000

I am so tired of the ups and downs in my life :( All I want is happiness and it seems like when I think I am there something happens to crush that.

I am so sick and tired of being treated as if I have "leparsy" in the D/s world. I feel like I am the one being punished for my ex-husband's sins. I hate him for making me this way! I hate me for allowing him to do this to me.

And MG does NOT make it any easier on me :( I am so sick of him treating me as if something were wrong with me and I feel like I can never be good enough for him or for anyone at this point. If I want to play "hard" then something is wrong with me, if I want "soap" then something is wrong with me, if I want "humiliation" then something is wrong with me, if I want "bondage" then something is wrong withme. I just want to SCREAM!!!

It's like living with fucking Patrick all over again and it's driving me NUTS !!!!!!!! The one thing I have asked of MG is if he plays with others ...FINE ....but don't treat me unequal of that person BUT I don't think he is CAPABLE of treating me equal!! If he is going to play hard with others then I EXPECT THE SAME , if he is going to role play then I EXPECT THE SAME, if he is going to do bondage then I EXPECT THE SAME, if he is going to use soaping, cornertime, writing lines then I EXPECT THE SAME........HOW HARD IS THIS FUCKING SHIT??????? I mean REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I am not drop dead gorgoues, I know I am not thin, I know I am not 21 as the ones he plays with but if I am the one he LOVES then why in the FUCK would he NOT TREAT ME THE SAME AS HE WOULD ANOTHER? I am just soooooooooooo ANGRY and HURT right now that I can't even think straight!!! I am getting away tonight ....going to a friend's house so I can talk to her ....she is a Domme that I trust and have played with in the past and I just need some woman to woman advice and some very much needed hard play as well ......I just need these tensions released cause I am physically, mentally , and emotionally tired of it ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Missing Part Of My Past :(

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 21:49:00 +0000

Today has been a depressing day for me and honestly I sometimes wonder why I can be happy one minute and sad the next. My mind has been on my past alot and how things once were with me. I have mixed feelings on how my life used to be. I am happy with MG now and I love him dearly but there are things that I do miss and I wonder if I am wrong in thinking this way but I don't think I am. My past is part of me and it will always be there and I had good times and bad although the bad outweighed the good most of the time. I don't miss my ex-husband at all although I do miss a very special person that was in my life then. He was there for me when I was going through "hell" at the time and even though we have our differences I can't say I blame him for leaving :(

At that time in my life he made my life bearable and he made me happy! We had alot of problems but for the most part I remember happy memories. I miss the way he looked at me , I miss the way he touched me, I miss the way he made me laugh, I miss the way he could just look through me and know what I was thinking, I miss the way he made me feel physically and emotionally! For years I have hated him for leaving and hurting me in that way but I now can look back on the situation and understand why! There was so much I had to give up because of the way he left and at that time I was soooooo selfish and undeserving of his love but he did try and I was the one who wouldn't give anything yet he gave everything!

Now I need closure to it all and that is something I am not sure if I will ever get :(

A Spanking Good Time :)

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 15:29:00 +0000

I know I have not posted in awhile but this time of year is pretty busy but I hope you all had a great Christmas! It's been a good weekend so far and my Christmas was perfect!

MG and I have been getting in some much needed spanking time in and it's been great :) I am a happier brat that is for sure ;) We both have been working on some things and have been agreeing to compromise and I am happy with that :)

I am getting spanked and he is enjoying it :) Things just have been picture perfect for the last few weeks although I do have my down moments but I wouldn't be human if I didn't. Life is good and for that I am truly blessed!! I have been trying to stay "positive" as much as possible and it has helped.

I am trying to learn that nothing is perfect and I am not going to always be a go lucky happy person because unfortunatley there are sad moments in everyone's lives but I can try to make the best of even the worst circumstances.

But right now I am going to relish in the happy times and keep on going one day at a time!! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and let's all have a great New Year!!

Fantastic Four Meme

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 20:29:00 +0000

I have been tagged by Cookie for the fantastic four meme and I am sorry that this is late but I just got on today and saw her message to me in my blog. Any ways here you go.........

FOUR PLACES I GO OVER AND OVER AND OVER:

1. Walmart every Saturday faithfully
2. My parent's house for holidays and monthly visits
3. Work (although I work from home so I am at home over, and over, and over again lol
4. my bedroom for "play" or "punishment" by MG ....whatever I deserve at the time lol

FOUR PEOPLE WHO EMAIL ME REGULARLY:

1. my sister-in-law
2. my sister
3. MG :)
4. old highschool friends/ as well as new online friends into spanking

FOUR PLACES I LIKE TO EAT:

1. Black eyed pea
2. at home (MG's cooking is the best )
3. Cheesecake factory
4. Salt Grass Steak house

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:

1. the mall (getting my christmas shopping done lol )
2. over MG's knee (fantasy of mine)
3. in bed sleeping
4. Hawaii (been there but would love to go again)

FOUR TV SHOWS I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:

1. Reba
2. The biggest loser
3. It's a wonderful life (great Christmas flick)
4. Titanic

FOUR PEOPLE THAT I THINK WILL RESPOND WITH A LITTLE LINKY LOVE:

Well I really have no idea but I will guess

1. Todd & Suzy @ A.S.S.
2. Diary of a darling
3. ?
4. ?

Confession Of A Brat

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 02:25:00 +0000

I confess that I have been a bad, bad girl! I knowingly started to eat a trigger food and kept on eating it and then purged it due to the guilt and consequences. I hate when I do this but I know what I am doing so why do I do it? I have been doing fairly well for the past several weeks and then BOOM .....I cave!

I didn't want to tell MG but I knew that I had to eventually tell him. So tonight I confessed to him because I just felt guilty and I knew if I would have kept it from him then the guilt would just consume me to the point of recklessness. He didn't say much although he asked some key questions and I gave him the answers and to the best of my knowlege it was the truth. I am not sure why I caved it to this binging/purging.

I know certain foods are a trigger and I stay away from those foods except I didn't tonight , I allowed myself to succumb to it. I feel a little better about telling MG what I did although not sure how I will handle it if he just ignores this as a "mistake" and does nothing. I think to a point I test him on some levels but I know testing him with this is something he doesn't like.

I thought I had a handle on this emotional eating? I thought that it was slowly disappearing and no longer was a part of my personality but I thought wrong! Unfortunatley this will always be a part of me but it's up to me to either control it or give in to it and sadly today I gave into it :( I know that spanking does help me with this but I am not so sure that MG thinks so therefore I will have to probably just deal with this on my own :( I feel all alone in this sometimes!

I have been doing so well with losing weight and then I have to go and ruin it ....I hate myself for this, I really do! I am really trying to beat this emotional eating thing without the spanking but it just seems like the longer I do that the worse it gets. I don't know what is wrong with me but I want to change but I am just not sure if I have it in me :(

Brat Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:35:00 +0000

Well you could say that this weekend was a "brat" weekend! I have been overly stressed with alot going on in my life and I just finally sucummed to it and just was a brat all weekend so MG had his work cut out for him!

I know that using the "stress" excuse is probably not the best excuse that I could come up with but for me that is good enough. When things don't go my way then I am hard to deal with and I will be the first to admit that! Right now my life is complicated and that makes things all the harder to deal with. I try but I fail alot!

To say that I hate my life would be harsh but there are days that I do and then there are days that I don't. There are days when love sucks and then there are days when it's great! That is just how it is I guess! Like I said my life is complicated and some of the reason why I haven't blogged in awhile and then some is because I really have nothing GREAT to say!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 20:30:00 +0000

I know that I haven't been around much but it's because of work , family, and just being busy and no time for the computer! Any ways I just wanted to tell all my spanko friends to have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Thanksgiving always makes me reflect all the many blessings in my life and even when I think that I don't have any I always can find one or two. There are many things that I don't have but I have tried to reflect on what I do have!

I can't complain because I have a great family who loves me and is there for me, I have a great boyfriend who I know loves me even when I am difficult or a challenge ;) I have a great job that I truly love and I have a few good friends! So I can't complain :) What are you thankful for?? Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Venting My Frustrations Out!!!!!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 17:45:00 +0000

Heck spanking is always on my mind and honestly I sometimes wonder what in the world is wrong with me :( I don't want to say that I am not "normal" but one has to wonder when all I seem to do is think about the next spanking or think about how can I "brat" to get the next spanking.

I had a good friend suggest that I just am not happy in my spanking relationship and this is the reason why it's on my mind so much. I must admit that I am not completley happy in the spanking relationship I am in but I love him and one has to wonder if you really love a person are you able to give up certain things because of that love? He does spank me but alot is missing and I guess I just get to feeling neglected and before I know it I am so angry at him that I can't help but be a brat. I hate it :(

I know it's not normal that I start to cry when I go on to other's spanking blogs and hear about how wonderful and perfect thier spanking relationship is. I know it's not normal to fantasize about getting spanked by MG and then tears are rolling down my face at the end of that fantasy. I know it's not normal to be so angry towards him at times where I just want to scream. He wants me to change and I am having a very hard time with that. I know it's not normal that I cry every single day during the week between the hours of 1:00 P.M.-3:00 P.M. (my lunch break) I know it's not normal to cry after work either and I know it's not normal to have tears rolling down my face as I even write this entry!! NONE OF IT IS NORMAL!!!

I really try to fight it off and just be happy but something always comes up to where I feel so hurt and I just can't help getting angry, frustrated, sad, or mad. I have come to a realization that MG just does not want to "play" in the manner that I would like to and he has flat out told me I will not "play" with anyone else like that either so what do I do? Be unhappy for the rest of my life? He says we will work on it and then nothing else is said again that is until I start to have a bratting attack or a crying attack!! I have blamed several things on the lack of spanking relationship we have and the one thing I can't or won't give up is spanking ....it's not even up for discussion!! I have given up alot to be in this relationship so there is no hell in way I am giving up spanking!! I love him but I won't give up spanking for ANYONE!!!

You know how it is before you fall in love with someone , how you fantasize about how things will be when your married and how you think that it's going to be FANTASTIC and then you get married and you all of a sudden realize that it's not the bed of roses you thought it would be? Well that is how I feel in this relationship right now :( I knew there would be some problems in our relationship because of our sizeable age difference but I didn't think there would be issues with the spanking part of it but boy was I wrong! When things go wrong for me I automatically blame myself and that is how I am feeling lateley. I sometimes wonder if I was a size 2 would it be different? Yes I know it would be!! What really bothers me is he has this friend in Michigan (we will call her ...hmmm...let's call her "Witch"...and that is being nice) who he has known for years and has played with for years as well and it just really irks me to think that he would "spank" her the way she wants yet I am his girlfriend and he says NO!!!!!!!!! It literally pisses me off and it's hard to piss me off!!! I don't like "Witch" and he knows it , in fact I have told him to get rid of the friendship but who knows if he will. If he doesn't then I know how much I mean to him and that is how I feel about that!!

This woman has had the nerve to show up on my computer screen just to start trouble but of course she tells him "NO" she didn't and I say "YES" she did but yet he believes the "Witch" over me which really hurts me a whole lot and I am still dealing with that but some days I don't deal with it as well as others I can tell you that. I used to use food as my "comfort" but because I want to lose this weight so badly I havent' been sabatoging that for the past 11 weeks and that is a record for me and I am steadily losing weight so that is one thing that makes me happy. Oh I find other ways to hurt myself though but I won't go to much into that because MG reads this and the last thing I need is him preaching at me with his mouth instead of with a paddle!! The only thing I can say is I love him but I HATE our spanking relationship!!!!!!!!!

Random Thoughts/ Past memories

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 19:58:00 +0000

I recently had an online "spanking" friend of mine ask me what are my fantasies? You know I could not answer him and it's simply because I have none. I used to have plenty of them when I was younger but what happens when one has fullfilled all his/her fantasies? Or is that even possible?

I can't even think of sex or sexual fantasies without getting upset so I just don't think about it because there is just no reason to at this point in my life. Growing up my mother made sure to let me know that sex was a bad thing and only for married couples. Then I had my dad who was sexually abusing me so with all those mixed messages no wonder I have had failed relationships. I am surprised I even enjoyed sex or sexual fantasies as a young adult.

There was only one guy in my life at that time where I felt comfortable with him and he made me feel like a person with feelings. He was my best friend from child hood through high school and when he died a piece of me went with him :( It's hard to describe how he made me feel because I have never felt it again , but he made me feel "special" and he believed in me. I miss him :(

I just feel like there is nothing good that has come out of my life and I sometimes wonder why I didn't die in that car accident along side Michael. Why did God want me here and not him? Why did God take away my best friend at that time in my life? I have lost so much in my life and I just feel like God is punishing me. I am tired of being on the losing team!!

Capsacin Spankings

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:13:00 +0000

I almost forgot "Capsacin" spankings until a spanking friend of mine emailed me with some questions about them. It has been a very long while since I have had the pleasure of a "Capsacin" spanking but I do remember it well. IMO I feel that the spanker applying Capcasin should know what he/she is doing because the stuff burns like HELL and I am not kidding. It truly does intensify a spanking and the spankee would definanlty feel it.

I have never had a spanking with Capsacin for erotic purposes so I am not sure how that would feel but in my mind I can't imagine that anyone would feel "pleasure" from that type of pain although it's not impossible I am sure. For me personally I would not enjoy it for erotic purposes and the only thing it would help me with is to change my behavior and quick. I have had a total of 4 spankings dealing with Capsacin and they were all for punishment purposes. I have had it before , during, and after a spanking and for me it was the worst when I had it applied before a spanking because it really heats up your bottom during a spanking with it on.

I have a VERY high pain tolerance and it's very hard to get me to tears during any type of spanking whether it be a paddle, switch, strap or cane but with Capsacin I came to tears pretty darn quick. I HATE crying during a spanking especially if I think that the spanking is unjust but with this stuff on your butt it's hard NOT to cry! After a normal spanking is over the sting goes away pretty quickly but NOT with Capsacin. You feel the burn for hours and nothing you do seems to get it off so you are pretty much forced to endure the stinging until it subsides. Overall I think that "Capsacin" would work on any BRAT who decided to be a BRAT ;) It definantly works on this BRAT and all who know me knows I can be a true BRAT when I want to be :)

So those are my thoughts on "Capsacin" spankings for all who emailed me with questions about it.

Bad day turns into VERY BAD night :(

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 02:07:00 +0000

I just had a bad day today :( Nothing went right and now I am feeling really down and out. There are so many things right now that are NOT right in my life and spanking is one of them. I just feel like I don't get enough attention and when I bring that to MG's attention he acts as if I am being selfish so I don't say a word anymore and just keep it inside and I guess that is why about every three to four days I start acting out .....like a BRAT :(

My spanking needs are not being met nor are my emotional needs and I just feel crappy inside. Life is just not supposed to be this way or is it? For me it seems that way. I try to just deal with what is going on and pretend that I am ok and for a while it works until it catches up with me and I start resenting things. I just want to crawl in bed and cry myself to sleep ....Goodnight!!

Pouting

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 22:13:00 +0000

Yes I am pouting and I have good reason to as far as I am concerned. MG and I are having a small disagreement (I really would not call it a fight because I have NOT spoken to him all day) and once again he feels he is right and I am wrong!

Lately I have been feeling VERY neglected and under normal circumstances this would probably not seem like a big deal to many including him but it is a VERY big deal to me. My last relationship was a 10 year marriage where I got absolutley NO ATTENTION so yes it does matter to me in this relationship and it does bother me when I have addressed the problem to him and all he can say is "I give you more attention than your ex ever did"

The problem is he is very happy in this relationship and I am NOT and it seems as though he does not care about that. At least that is how I am feeling at the moment. I am a very sensitive person and when I say VERY I mean VERY SENSITIVE and my feelings get hurt very easily (I can thank my ex for that). Any ways before when we had problems it was because I was NOT communicating to him and now that I am telling him what the problem is it's like he didn't hear me because the problem NEVER gets fixed.

So how do I react to all this mess??? Well today I have not been answering his phone calls. He calls me to talk to me on his way to work in the morning and then again he calls me throughout the day on his breaks and then he calls me on his way home from work. To him that is "our time" togather and I guess he thinks that I should be happy with that. I am a big believer in the "SILENT TREATMENT" when all else fails and I figure that this will give him a taste of his own medicine. If he can take time away from me then I can take time away from him is how I see it. I hate being this way but I don't know what else to do. I feel as if he does not validate my feelings at all and the only way to let him know that I am hurt is to do what I am doing or to be a big brat.

I know I am WRONG in the way I am handling this so and I know I am WRONG when I brat instead of communicate so PLEASE no emails from Doms telling me how wrong I am being or how much of a brat I am ......I ALREADY KNOW THIS and so does MG ;) I just feel that if I talk to him right now I will just go off on him or worse I will end up crying :( So yes I am pouting because I am hurt and mad all at the same time. The one good thing out of this whole mess is I HAVE NOT EMOTIONALLY EATEN over this. Usually that is what I do when I can't handle something emotionally.......I will automatically go for food BUT I have NOT done that and I am very proud of myself for that. I love MG but he is NOT WORTH me gaining the weight I have already lost!

So who wants to spank me for being such a brat?? LOL!

My personal pain

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 01:41:00 +0000

Well I am back and I am bored and there is nothing worse than a bored brat ;) The truth is I have no one to vent to therefore I use this blog to vent ALOT! I really want to emotionally eat right now and I thought if I got on here and blogged about what is bothering me then that would help the urge to not binge :(

I am so angry right now ....angry with myself for being so stupid, angry with MG for being insensitive but not only am I angry but I am hurt as well. "Oh stupid, stupid Michelle did you really think this time around would be any different?" That is what keeps reeling in my mind. Am I just the jealous type after all? Am I really that insecure with myself? "No Michelle , don't think that way , this isn't your fault!" , that is what I keep telling myself as well. Talk about being confused :(

So MG has a friend that so happens to be female, that so happens to be into spanking , that so happens to LIKE my boyfriend.......uggggggghhhhhhhh! Is this normal to feel this way? I ask myself these questions alot. I just can't stand this little "bitch" and that is how I feel. I just have been hurt so much that I guard my heart a little excessivly and there is NOTHING wrong with that......anyone would if they went through what I went through. What hurts me the most out of this whole ordeal is MG doesn't understand my feelings :( He just does NOT seem to get why I don't want him talking to this woman and I just feel that he cherishes the friendship he has with her more than he cherishes our relationship :(

The whole screwed up part about this whole thing is at one time in our relationship I was OK with him talking to her and keeping his friendship with her until I started noticing him taking his calls with her away from me :( She would call to just chat and he would take the call out of my ear shot ......."Now what is up with that shit" is what I wondered. This went on for a few months until I totally lost it on him the other night when he decided to take her phone call and once again take it away from me. Call me young, call me stupid, and you can even call me naieve but something is not right with that picture! When I did confront him about it ....FINALLY....he says "I do it out of respect for you because I know you hate her guts" and I am thinking ...."What a crock of shit" :(

So what do I do , I cry and cry and cry until I am so emotionally spent that I get physically ill :( I just am not sure what to think of the whole situation. My heart says to believe him but my mind says to be careful and it reminds me of my ex-husband and how he hurt me in this manner. Last night I cried myself to sleep , tonight I have been crying and will probably once again cry myself to sleep! The only thing that I do know for sure is that I love this man with all of my heart and soul because if I didn't then the decision would be easy .....to just leave .....but unfortunatley love is more complicated than that :(

Oh well I guess this is my personal pain :(

Random Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 19:55:00 +0000

The last couple of weeks have been really hectic lately and that would be the main reason why I haven't really been here to write lately. Hurricane Ike hit us here in Houston and we just got our electric back last night :) Things are back to normal now and MG and I are both back to work which is a good thing , got bills to pay ;)

Emotionally I have been trying to be better but no matter what I do I always seem to upset MG or disappoint him in some way :( I am not sure what to do anymore and I am not sure what our future is going to be like , if we have a future at all :( Physically I have been doing pretty good and losing weight is going well so that is a plus. At least something in my life is going right. I am determined to lose this weight though if it's the last darn thing I do before I die.

I got a pretty good paddling last night and I am pretty sore today :( I guess you could say that I deserved it and as MG pointed out I did ask for it :( I just hate it when I deliberatley disobey a rule just to get spanked , I am not sure what is wrong with me anymore :( I am just not myself anymore and I hate it ;( It just seems like "SPANKING" is on my mind 24/7 and I just HATE it!

I have a love/hate relationship with SPANKING and there are times where I know I could not do without it and then there are times when I just hate myself for acting out to just get a spanking :( I am just confused I guess and I don't know where to turn. I am just hurting so bad inside and I really don't know how to handle it ;( When I cry it's wrong , when I get angry it's wrong, when I try to tell how I feel to MG , it's wrong ........I can't please MG and I am just not sure if I will ever be able too :(

Things just aren't going right in my life and that is alot of the reason why I haven't been writing much about spanking or about anything for that matter. I am sorry but I just don't have it in me right now to even be positive :( I am just existing and not really living which is no way of life! I am just not sure about much anymore :(

The No Spanking Zone Here Lately!!

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 21:12:00 +0000

I haven't written in almost two weeks because sadly there isn't much to tell as far as "spanking" goes. No discipline, no play, no erotic :( Now isn't my life boring!! I have been busy with work and by the end of the day all I want to do is go to bed lately! I can't even seem to wait up until MG gets home from work.

I guess I am boring huh? MG and I have been getting along better for the most part although things could improve but I am just tired of talking and telling him for him to only listen and then forget about it and nothing seems to get better so I just leave it alone because it's better that way.

I am just not attractive enough for him to really "want" to play with me and I don't even force the issue anymore as much as I did when we first moved in togather. It's just not worth the fight to me anymore :( I love MG very much and if all I can get is a spanking here and there then so be it. Do I like it? No but what can I do? My dad told me once that life will never treat you fairly and boy was he right! Life sure hasn't treated me fair!

I guess I just have been feeling neglected by MG lately :( And usually when that happens I let it go and let it go until I am so mad that I just over brat and we end up in an argument and then he FINALLY spanks me. Well I am so sick of that cycle at this point! So instead I have been crying at night before he gets home and I have been doing that ALOT :( Oh well it's better than emotional eating!!

Last Night's Spanking :(

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 11:50:00 +0000

Well I have not blogged about any spankings I have recieved lately so I thought I would do that. Last night I got a punishment spanking for acting like a brat. My day didn't start out well in the first place and I was totally stressed out so that didn't help. MG had some errands he had to do but he told me that he would be back by 5:30 P.M. so I was like ok. I worked until 6:00 P.M. so it was no big deal that he would be home that late. Well he didn't get home until 6:05 P.M. making him 35 minutes late and I just didn't take it well. Now under normal circumstances it would not have bothered me a bit but because of the undue stress I was under with my job and the days events I was just waiting to get a good reason to BRAT , and this was it!

The usual thing that I do when I am mad at MG is to go to our bedroom and lay on the bed and just be mad. So that is what I did until he decided to get home. Now that I look back on this whole incident I was not be reasonable but at the time I thought I had every right to be mad. I am still a little mad because he doesn't seem to understand what I have gone through in my past relationship (ex-husband) and I just feel that he is a little insensitive to that. My ex-husband would do similar things as this incident that MG pulled. Now of course MG did call me and let me know that he was going to be late coming home but I got pissed off and hung up on him which he does NOT like but at that time I DID NOT CARE!

Then on his way home he did call me but I ignored his phone call because again I DID NOT CARE! I was VERY MAD at that time and I just didn't want to hear his half ass excuses and that is just how I felt. Is it right to act this way? No but again I was very mad at him and my emotions totally took over and all I felt was hurt and I felt like he just didn't want to come home because his friends are more important than his girlfriend and that hurts :( I just feel that I give him A LOT of time away from me and I NEVER get time away from him but yet he takes advantage and always wants more time away from me. I was married for ten years to a man who DID NOT want to spend alot of time but instead he spent alot of time traveling to places to play with others but yet neglect me and I just sometimes see that happening with MG therefore my emotions do take over and I don't think through things logically. I don't want to put an excuse to my behavior yet I feel that MG should be a lot more sensitive than he is when it comes to things like this.

I love this man with all my heart and I have given A LOT up to be with him and the only thing I expect back is to be loved , not ignored, accepted , and a little sensitivity on how I am feeling and why. Even as I write this I am crying and it's because I just don't feel he understands me like I want him too and it hurts. But any ways the reasons why I got spanked last night were for hanging up on him , not answering his second phone call, and then cussing at him when he got home. Like I said before ...at that point I just DID NOT CARE what I said or did because I felt very HURT and when I feel HURT I allow my emotions to take over and all reasoning is out the door. I was so angry towards him that I was NOT even submissive when it came to the spanking. So he had to hold me down on the bed as he spanked me with the bathbrush. When I feel that I am right and he is wrong I will NOT be submissive for a punishment and it has been that way for the past year with him.

I can take alot of pain due to a high pain tolerance from playing hard for over 10 years therefore I DID NOT give in to him as he was asking me what I did wrong , I was just like ...WHATEVER...and FUCK YOU! So he kept on spanking and spanked me to tears. It's hard to spank me to tears and there have been VERY FEW times he has been able to spank me to the point where I am crying but last night was one of those times where he was able to "BREAK" me. And I think that with all the stress of my job that day , and a lot has been on my mind about my life and other personal things that have been bothering me it all just hit me and I started to cry uncontrollably :( After the spanking I just laid on my stomach and cried hard and I didn't even want him trying to hug me or anything so I refused. I was still so angry and I couldn't help but take it out on him because after all he was the one who just got done spanking me for something that I felt was NOT my fault. But eventually I allowed him to hug me and we talked. Although I still don't agree with everything we talked about we did come to an understanding. I am still bothered by the whole incident though and I probably will be for awhile. My feelings were deeply hurt and that kind of hurt is just to hard to forget. I just feel hurt, sore, and alone at this moment :(

WHY DO I NEED THIS??

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:23:00 +0000

Well when I think all is lost MG comes through once again. He really has been consistent a whole lot lately so I really have no complaints in that department. The complaint I have is with me and I really think that is why I "brat" the way I do. Ever since I was a kid I remember "bratting" and getting spanked for it too. My dad nicknamed me "his brat" and I liked the fact that I was "special" in his eyes. Somehow that has evolved into my adulthood and it just hasn't gone away. When I "brat" and get spanked for it , I like the feeling of control and authority over me. It's like a rush of adrenaline until the pain kicks in! I love spanking and I love to get spanked but the one thing that bothers me is how I go about it.

I wish I could just ask for a spanking and I have asked to get spanked but it does NOT have the same effect as if I did something wrong to get spanked. I am not sure if any other "brats" or "submissives" go through this but I do and have been going through it for quite some time. In order for me to get a hard spanking I have to act like a complete brat and it's just not about a hard spanking , it's also about getting MG into Dom mode. He is Dominant but only to a point and he isn't used to a full-time D/s or DD relationship and the ONLY time I have seen him in a complete Dom mode is when I have broken a rule and I like the feeling I get from him in that type of mode therefore I break rules to get that. Now let me make myself clear on ONE thing .....I don't like the pain of the spanking that results from this type of behavior. But it's only AFTER that I regret acting in that manner. I will even think it through and say to myself "Michelle do you really want that intense pain during and after the spanking" And EVERYTIME dummy me wants that "feeling" therefore I won't think of the consequences until it's over. Does anyone understand what I am going through because I am not sure I do??

I love MG soooooo much and I want the DD, D/s to work with us. There are times when MG can take me all the way to tears and that is when I feel the most satisfied but then there are times that I just don't feel satisfied at all but instead I feel angry ....VERY ANGRY!! Does anyone understand this?? I would really like some suggestions, advice or comments from my readers on this because I just am feeling really alone in this and I need to validate if what I am going through is "normal" or maybe I am just completley nuts to have any of these feelings :( It seems like I am always in the testing mode with him and we have been living togather now for over a year ....so shouldn't I be done with testing him? What is missing here? Or what am I lacking? Does the fault lie with me or him??

Like I said ....he has been very consistent and I originally thought that is where the problem was because before he wasn't being very consistent at all so I approached him on it and he changed that so now I know it's not the consistency that was the problem. I now know that the problem is how I feel during a hard spanking vs. if we are just doing play or erotic spankings. So how do I get this feeling that I want sometimes without having to be the biggest BRAT in the world?? As you can see I am really STRUGGLING with this. It really effects me to where I have emotional outbursts or I do something so completley out of line like BINGING AND PURGING ....something MG does NOT like. Like last night for instance ....I was very upset at MG for alot of different reasons so I had a bad day where I cried half the day and then I ordered a pizza and decided to just emotionally eat. One of MG's rules is I can NOT order a pizza without his permission BUT I did it anyways!! I did it for TWO very basic reasons ......to test him and see if he would follow through with punishing me for it and the second reason was because I just was sooooo emotional and I wanted to binge on that pizza and had every intention of purging too. MG calls me on his dinner break from work and I told him what I was doing and he asked me if I had permission and I said NOPE and that was the exact reason why I did it. He asked if I was going to purge and I said YEP and he said that if I do then the spanking would be soooo much worse than if I just had a couple of slices. I did think about it and decided not to press my luck so I just ate a few slices and felt miserable afterwards :( That evening when he got home he did follow through and he spanked me for ordering the pizza without his permission. And he did remind me that if I had purged then the spanking would have been that much worse. He spanked me pretty hard with the hairbrush so I am glad that I didn't push him by purging. I am sore enough today to remind me not to order a pizza again each time I sit. So all in all he has been doing his part with the consistency ....it's just I seem to need the feeling of being punished at least twice a week!!

Random Thoughts On My Mind ...........

noreply@blogger.com (Michelle) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 02:42:00 +0000

Hurting......

deep down inside

Not sure how to express it anymore.

Lonely ....

My nights are filled with lonliness

and my days are spent trying to hide how I feel.

Pressure...

to be perfect

to do it all

to be all I can be.

Wanting...

to feel loved

to be accepted.

Needing...

positive attention

but also negative attention too

spanked

Dreaming...

of the perfect Dom

to always be consistent

to always be firm

to always spank me when needed.

Fantasizing...

about bondage and spanking

about feeling totally helpless

about feeling controlled.

These are where my thoughts are at lately. Just always randomly thinking :(