Brat Out Of Control

Things have been going pretty good with MG and I since the last few entries I have written. I was reading on those entries today and boy was I "angry". It's funny how at the time your writing it all down you seem to forget how angry you really are until you calm down and take the time to read it again and see how angry you really were. Any ways this blog is my safety zone where I can vent about anything I want and it has really helped me since starting it. I like to write my feelings down because it is theraputic in alot of ways.

But the one time I hate "WRITING" is when MG punishes me by having me write

lines :( This is one punishment I can do without! MG and I have talked about what is going on with me as far as why spanking alone isn't working to improve my behavior. Our relationship is a complicated one but adding a full-time D/s relationship into the mix and it gets really complicated. Our relationship has it's ups and downs but overall I think we are headed in the right direction , at least most of the time. It's far from perfect but nothing is perfect and I have to keep reminding myself of this. I finally had to admit something to MG that I really didn't want to admit to even myself but I knew deep down in my heart that what I needed was more than spanking to get my behavior under control.

So this past weekend I told MG that I thought he needed to add to my punishments but in the non-corporal sense. I didn't want him taking spanking out of the picture because I need that to feel loved and connected to him but I did think that adding things like soaping my mouth, writing lines or writing an essay, standing in the corner or even strapping my hands would help with the issues we were dealing with. I LOVE spanking and I love it so much that it's very hard to "punish" me through spanking only , it just does not work and as much as I didn't like that idea I had to admit that this is just the way I am and I need to learn how to accept it. I think that admitting this to myself and then admitting this to MG has helped me alot. If you don't admit something then that means your in denial and I was in denial for a long time about this issue. So I told him that using punishments I hate would help and I think it will.

I got into some trouble last night for doing something that MG hates and I have been told by him several times that I am not allowed to do it but in my mind I think I am therefore him just spanking me for this incident hasn't worked. So last night I did get spanked for disobeying but he also added a punishment that I hate and that is writing lines. I have to write 500 lines and I tell you it has been NO FUN!! I have 250 lines written already but I am only half way there and I am dreading writing the other 250 tonight but I will do it because I want this to work too. I have to get to the point in this relationship where I know who is boss and I haven't got there yet but I am working on it. MG asked me today if I think I am learning my lesson by writing these lines and I told him yes. I am learning that I can't do as I please and I am learning that he is serious when he says something then that means I better listen. I really feel that this is going to work so much better than just spanking me and that's it. There are some other things that I want to change in our relationship but I haven't had the time to sit down and talk to him about that. But that is kind of an update to what is going on in our spanking world :)

Tonight I have a good friend of mine coming over and we have been friends for a long time , actually she is a Domme and we started out with spanking play but we have become really good friends in that process. She and I were supposed to meet up last Friday night but she cancelled due to a family emergency so tonight she is coming over so we can just chat and also have a little play time as well. There are certain things that she can give me that MG can't right now and honestly I don't think he ever will be able too. I have been avoiding meeting up with her because I just didn't want to add more to this relationship than there already is but I just can't stand it anymore and I have given in and just said ...."Oh well". I love MG with all of my heart and soul and I was trying to only play with him but there are things missing that I need and want and he just doesn't get it. I have really battled with this and cried many tears over it as well because I am heart broken that I am going to play with her while I am in a relationship with him :( But I won't go without ALL of my needs being met either. You see I believe that while your in a relationship you should be "faithful" in all things in that relationship , whether it be sex, spanking play, bdsm. I just feel that it's being selfish if you have to play with others when you are in a relationship. I also know for a fact that it causes problems in a relationship when you are playing with others and when your significant other is playing with others .......been there and done that in my last relationship and it was a DISASTER!

So tonight I have a heavy heart about playing with her but she can give me things that MG will not give me. He says it's ok that I play with her as long as I am safe and there is no injuries on me with the play spanking but it still bothers me. I am not even sure if I can play with her tonight because of how I feel and she is such a good friend and told me not to worry about it and if we just talk then we can do that too. I don't usually get along with females and I have very few female friends but she is one female friend that I get along with very well and she is a true friend and maybe that is the difference. But I can talk to her about what is going on with me and she listens and gives me good advice and sometimes she just lets me talk and get it all out because I think that is what I need sometimes. I just hate being this sad :( I know that MG loves me but I sometimes wonder if he really enjoys playing with me because I am a woman and because of my age. He is used to playing with young males and females between the ages of 18-30 and I am 35 so maybe I am to old, to fat, or the wrong gender ....that is where my thoughts are on that. I am just so torn up inside about it and I cry way to often about it. So that is where my heart and thoughts are tonight!!

I am so sick and tired of being treated as if I have "leparsy" in the D/s world. I feel like I am the one being punished for my ex-husband's sins. I hate him for making me this way! I hate me for allowing him to do this to me.

And MG does NOT make it any easier on me :( I am so sick of him treating me as if something were wrong with me and I feel like I can never be good enough for him or for anyone at this point. If I want to play "hard" then something is wrong with me, if I want "soap" then something is wrong with me, if I want "humiliation" then something is wrong with me, if I want "bondage" then something is wrong withme. I just want to SCREAM!!!

It's like living with fucking Patrick all over again and it's driving me NUTS !!!!!!!! The one thing I have asked of MG is if he plays with others ...FINE ....but don't treat me unequal of that person BUT I don't think he is CAPABLE of treating me equal!! If he is going to play hard with others then I EXPECT THE SAME , if he is going to role play then I EXPECT THE SAME, if he is going to do bondage then I EXPECT THE SAME, if he is going to use soaping, cornertime, writing lines then I EXPECT THE SAME........HOW HARD IS THIS FUCKING SHIT??????? I mean REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I am not drop dead gorgoues, I know I am not thin, I know I am not 21 as the ones he plays with but if I am the one he LOVES then why in the FUCK would he NOT TREAT ME THE SAME AS HE WOULD ANOTHER? I am just soooooooooooo ANGRY and HURT right now that I can't even think straight!!! I am getting away tonight ....going to a friend's house so I can talk to her ....she is a Domme that I trust and have played with in the past and I just need some woman to woman advice and some very much needed hard play as well ......I just need these tensions released cause I am physically, mentally , and emotionally tired of it ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!