Brat Out Of Control

Today has been a depressing day for me and honestly I sometimes wonder why I can be happy one minute and sad the next. My mind has been on my past alot and how things once were with me. I have mixed feelings on how my life used to be. I am happy with MG now and I love him dearly but there are things that I do miss and I wonder if I am wrong in thinking this way but I don't think I am. My past is part of me and it will always be there and I had good times and bad although the bad outweighed the good most of the time. I don't miss my ex-husband at all although I do miss a very special person that was in my life then. He was there for me when I was going through "hell" at the time and even though we have our differences I can't say I blame him for leaving :(

At that time in my life he made my life bearable and he made me happy! We had alot of problems but for the most part I remember happy memories. I miss the way he looked at me , I miss the way he touched me, I miss the way he made me laugh, I miss the way he could just look through me and know what I was thinking, I miss the way he made me feel physically and emotionally! For years I have hated him for leaving and hurting me in that way but I now can look back on the situation and understand why! There was so much I had to give up because of the way he left and at that time I was soooooo selfish and undeserving of his love but he did try and I was the one who wouldn't give anything yet he gave everything!

Now I need closure to it all and that is something I am not sure if I will ever get :(

Labels: Happy, postivie note, spanking

I have been tagged by Cookie for the fantastic four meme and I am sorry that this is late but I just got on today and saw her message to me in my blog. Any ways here you go.........

FOUR PLACES I GO OVER AND OVER AND OVER:

1. Walmart every Saturday faithfully
2. My parent's house for holidays and monthly visits
3. Work (although I work from home so I am at home over, and over, and over again lol
4. my bedroom for "play" or "punishment" by MG ....whatever I deserve at the time lol

FOUR PEOPLE WHO EMAIL ME REGULARLY:

1. my sister-in-law
2. my sister
3. MG :)
4. old highschool friends/ as well as new online friends into spanking

FOUR PLACES I LIKE TO EAT:

1. Black eyed pea
2. at home (MG's cooking is the best )
3. Cheesecake factory
4. Salt Grass Steak house

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:

1. the mall (getting my christmas shopping done lol )
2. over MG's knee (fantasy of mine)
3. in bed sleeping
4. Hawaii (been there but would love to go again)

FOUR TV SHOWS I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:

1. Reba
2. The biggest loser
3. It's a wonderful life (great Christmas flick)
4. Titanic

FOUR PEOPLE THAT I THINK WILL RESPOND WITH A LITTLE LINKY LOVE:

Well I really have no idea but I will guess

1. Todd & Suzy @ A.S.S.
2. Diary of a darling
3. ?
4. ?

Labels: fantastic four meme

I confess that I have been a bad, bad girl! I knowingly started to eat a trigger food and kept on eating it and then purged it due to the guilt and consequences. I hate when I do this but I know what I am doing so why do I do it? I have been doing fairly well for the past several weeks and then BOOM .....I cave!

I didn't want to tell MG but I knew that I had to eventually tell him. So tonight I confessed to him because I just felt guilty and I knew if I would have kept it from him then the guilt would just consume me to the point of recklessness. He didn't say much although he asked some key questions and I gave him the answers and to the best of my knowlege it was the truth. I am not sure why I caved it to this binging/purging.

I know certain foods are a trigger and I stay away from those foods except I didn't tonight , I allowed myself to succumb to it. I feel a little better about telling MG what I did although not sure how I will handle it if he just ignores this as a "mistake" and does nothing. I think to a point I test him on some levels but I know testing him with this is something he doesn't like.

I thought I had a handle on this emotional eating? I thought that it was slowly disappearing and no longer was a part of my personality but I thought wrong! Unfortunatley this will always be a part of me but it's up to me to either control it or give in to it and sadly today I gave into it :( I know that spanking does help me with this but I am not so sure that MG thinks so therefore I will have to probably just deal with this on my own :( I feel all alone in this sometimes!

I have been doing so well with losing weight and then I have to go and ruin it ....I hate myself for this, I really do! I am really trying to beat this emotional eating thing without the spanking but it just seems like the longer I do that the worse it gets. I don't know what is wrong with me but I want to change but I am just not sure if I have it in me :(

Labels: binging, confession, eating disorder, purging, spanking

Labels: brat weekend, bratting, life sucks, stress