Brat Out Of Control
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Pouting
Yes I am pouting and I have good reason to as far as I am concerned. MG and I are having a small disagreement (I really would not call it a fight because I have NOT spoken to him all day) and once again he feels he is right and I am wrong!
Lately I have been feeling VERY neglected and under normal circumstances this would probably not seem like a big deal to many including him but it is a VERY big deal to me. My last relationship was a 10 year marriage where I got absolutley NO ATTENTION so yes it does matter to me in this relationship and it does bother me when I have addressed the problem to him and all he can say is "I give you more attention than your ex ever did"
The problem is he is very happy in this relationship and I am NOT and it seems as though he does not care about that. At least that is how I am feeling at the moment. I am a very sensitive person and when I say VERY I mean VERY SENSITIVE and my feelings get hurt very easily (I can thank my ex for that). Any ways before when we had problems it was because I was NOT communicating to him and now that I am telling him what the problem is it's like he didn't hear me because the problem NEVER gets fixed.
So how do I react to all this mess??? Well today I have not been answering his phone calls. He calls me to talk to me on his way to work in the morning and then again he calls me throughout the day on his breaks and then he calls me on his way home from work. To him that is "our time" togather and I guess he thinks that I should be happy with that. I am a big believer in the "SILENT TREATMENT" when all else fails and I figure that this will give him a taste of his own medicine. If he can take time away from me then I can take time away from him is how I see it. I hate being this way but I don't know what else to do. I feel as if he does not validate my feelings at all and the only way to let him know that I am hurt is to do what I am doing or to be a big brat.
I know I am WRONG in the way I am handling this so and I know I am WRONG when I brat instead of communicate so PLEASE no emails from Doms telling me how wrong I am being or how much of a brat I am ......I ALREADY KNOW THIS and so does MG ;) I just feel that if I talk to him right now I will just go off on him or worse I will end up crying :( So yes I am pouting because I am hurt and mad all at the same time. The one good thing out of this whole mess is I HAVE NOT EMOTIONALLY EATEN over this. Usually that is what I do when I can't handle something emotionally.......I will automatically go for food BUT I have NOT done that and I am very proud of myself for that. I love MG but he is NOT WORTH me gaining the weight I have already lost!
So who wants to spank me for being such a brat?? LOL!
Labels: bratting, hurting, mad, pouting, sad, silent treatment
Monday, September 22, 2008
My personal pain
Well I am back and I am bored and there is nothing worse than a bored brat ;) The truth is I have no one to vent to therefore I use this blog to vent ALOT! I really want to emotionally eat right now and I thought if I got on here and blogged about what is bothering me then that would help the urge to not binge :(
I am so angry right now ....angry with myself for being so stupid, angry with MG for being insensitive but not only am I angry but I am hurt as well. "Oh stupid, stupid Michelle did you really think this time around would be any different?" That is what keeps reeling in my mind. Am I just the jealous type after all? Am I really that insecure with myself? "No Michelle , don't think that way , this isn't your fault!" , that is what I keep telling myself as well. Talk about being confused :(
So MG has a friend that so happens to be female, that so happens to be into spanking , that so happens to LIKE my boyfriend.......uggggggghhhhhhhh! Is this normal to feel this way? I ask myself these questions alot. I just can't stand this little "bitch" and that is how I feel. I just have been hurt so much that I guard my heart a little excessivly and there is NOTHING wrong with that......anyone would if they went through what I went through. What hurts me the most out of this whole ordeal is MG doesn't understand my feelings :( He just does NOT seem to get why I don't want him talking to this woman and I just feel that he cherishes the friendship he has with her more than he cherishes our relationship :(
The whole screwed up part about this whole thing is at one time in our relationship I was OK with him talking to her and keeping his friendship with her until I started noticing him taking his calls with her away from me :( She would call to just chat and he would take the call out of my ear shot ......."Now what is up with that shit" is what I wondered. This went on for a few months until I totally lost it on him the other night when he decided to take her phone call and once again take it away from me. Call me young, call me stupid, and you can even call me naieve but something is not right with that picture! When I did confront him about it ....FINALLY....he says "I do it out of respect for you because I know you hate her guts" and I am thinking ...."What a crock of shit" :(
So what do I do , I cry and cry and cry until I am so emotionally spent that I get physically ill :( I just am not sure what to think of the whole situation. My heart says to believe him but my mind says to be careful and it reminds me of my ex-husband and how he hurt me in this manner. Last night I cried myself to sleep , tonight I have been crying and will probably once again cry myself to sleep! The only thing that I do know for sure is that I love this man with all of my heart and soul because if I didn't then the decision would be easy .....to just leave .....but unfortunatley love is more complicated than that :(
Oh well I guess this is my personal pain :(
Random Thoughts
The last couple of weeks have been really hectic lately and that would be the main reason why I haven't really been here to write lately. Hurricane Ike hit us here in Houston and we just got our electric back last night :) Things are back to normal now and MG and I are both back to work which is a good thing , got bills to pay ;)
Emotionally I have been trying to be better but no matter what I do I always seem to upset MG or disappoint him in some way :( I am not sure what to do anymore and I am not sure what our future is going to be like , if we have a future at all :( Physically I have been doing pretty good and losing weight is going well so that is a plus. At least something in my life is going right. I am determined to lose this weight though if it's the last darn thing I do before I die.
I got a pretty good paddling last night and I am pretty sore today :( I guess you could say that I deserved it and as MG pointed out I did ask for it :( I just hate it when I deliberatley disobey a rule just to get spanked , I am not sure what is wrong with me anymore :( I am just not myself anymore and I hate it ;( It just seems like "SPANKING" is on my mind 24/7 and I just HATE it!
I have a love/hate relationship with SPANKING and there are times where I know I could not do without it and then there are times when I just hate myself for acting out to just get a spanking :( I am just confused I guess and I don't know where to turn. I am just hurting so bad inside and I really don't know how to handle it ;( When I cry it's wrong , when I get angry it's wrong, when I try to tell how I feel to MG , it's wrong ........I can't please MG and I am just not sure if I will ever be able too :(
Things just aren't going right in my life and that is alot of the reason why I haven't been writing much about spanking or about anything for that matter. I am sorry but I just don't have it in me right now to even be positive :( I am just existing and not really living which is no way of life! I am just not sure about much anymore :(
Emotionally I have been trying to be better but no matter what I do I always seem to upset MG or disappoint him in some way :( I am not sure what to do anymore and I am not sure what our future is going to be like , if we have a future at all :( Physically I have been doing pretty good and losing weight is going well so that is a plus. At least something in my life is going right. I am determined to lose this weight though if it's the last darn thing I do before I die.
I got a pretty good paddling last night and I am pretty sore today :( I guess you could say that I deserved it and as MG pointed out I did ask for it :( I just hate it when I deliberatley disobey a rule just to get spanked , I am not sure what is wrong with me anymore :( I am just not myself anymore and I hate it ;( It just seems like "SPANKING" is on my mind 24/7 and I just HATE it!
I have a love/hate relationship with SPANKING and there are times where I know I could not do without it and then there are times when I just hate myself for acting out to just get a spanking :( I am just confused I guess and I don't know where to turn. I am just hurting so bad inside and I really don't know how to handle it ;( When I cry it's wrong , when I get angry it's wrong, when I try to tell how I feel to MG , it's wrong ........I can't please MG and I am just not sure if I will ever be able too :(
Things just aren't going right in my life and that is alot of the reason why I haven't been writing much about spanking or about anything for that matter. I am sorry but I just don't have it in me right now to even be positive :( I am just existing and not really living which is no way of life! I am just not sure about much anymore :(
Labels: emotional, existing and not living, love/hate relationship with spanking
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
The No Spanking Zone Here Lately!!
I haven't written in almost two weeks because sadly there isn't much to tell as far as "spanking" goes. No discipline, no play, no erotic :( Now isn't my life boring!! I have been busy with work and by the end of the day all I want to do is go to bed lately! I can't even seem to wait up until MG gets home from work.
I guess I am boring huh? MG and I have been getting along better for the most part although things could improve but I am just tired of talking and telling him for him to only listen and then forget about it and nothing seems to get better so I just leave it alone because it's better that way.
I am just not attractive enough for him to really "want" to play with me and I don't even force the issue anymore as much as I did when we first moved in togather. It's just not worth the fight to me anymore :( I love MG very much and if all I can get is a spanking here and there then so be it. Do I like it? No but what can I do? My dad told me once that life will never treat you fairly and boy was he right! Life sure hasn't treated me fair!
I guess I just have been feeling neglected by MG lately :( And usually when that happens I let it go and let it go until I am so mad that I just over brat and we end up in an argument and then he FINALLY spanks me. Well I am so sick of that cycle at this point! So instead I have been crying at night before he gets home and I have been doing that ALOT :( Oh well it's better than emotional eating!!
Labels: crying, life., no spanking, not attractive enough :(, unfair