Brat Out Of Control

Well when I think all is lost MG comes through once again. He really has been consistent a whole lot lately so I really have no complaints in that department. The complaint I have is with me and I really think that is why I "brat" the way I do. Ever since I was a kid I remember "bratting" and getting spanked for it too. My dad nicknamed me "his brat" and I liked the fact that I was "special" in his eyes. Somehow that has evolved into my adulthood and it just hasn't gone away. When I "brat" and get spanked for it , I like the feeling of control and authority over me. It's like a rush of adrenaline until the pain kicks in! I love spanking and I love to get spanked but the one thing that bothers me is how I go about it.

I wish I could just ask for a spanking and I have asked to get spanked but it does NOT have the same effect as if I did something wrong to get spanked. I am not sure if any other "brats" or "submissives" go through this but I do and have been going through it for quite some time. In order for me to get a hard spanking I have to act like a complete brat and it's just not about a hard spanking , it's also about getting MG into Dom mode. He is Dominant but only to a point and he isn't used to a full-time D/s or DD relationship and the ONLY time I have seen him in a complete Dom mode is when I have broken a rule and I like the feeling I get from him in that type of mode therefore I break rules to get that. Now let me make myself clear on ONE thing .....I don't like the pain of the spanking that results from this type of behavior. But it's only AFTER that I regret acting in that manner. I will even think it through and say to myself "Michelle do you really want that intense pain during and after the spanking" And EVERYTIME dummy me wants that "feeling" therefore I won't think of the consequences until it's over. Does anyone understand what I am going through because I am not sure I do??

I love MG soooooo much and I want the DD, D/s to work with us. There are times when MG can take me all the way to tears and that is when I feel the most satisfied but then there are times that I just don't feel satisfied at all but instead I feel angry ....VERY ANGRY!! Does anyone understand this?? I would really like some suggestions, advice or comments from my readers on this because I just am feeling really alone in this and I need to validate if what I am going through is "normal" or maybe I am just completley nuts to have any of these feelings :( It seems like I am always in the testing mode with him and we have been living togather now for over a year ....so shouldn't I be done with testing him? What is missing here? Or what am I lacking? Does the fault lie with me or him??

Like I said ....he has been very consistent and I originally thought that is where the problem was because before he wasn't being very consistent at all so I approached him on it and he changed that so now I know it's not the consistency that was the problem. I now know that the problem is how I feel during a hard spanking vs. if we are just doing play or erotic spankings. So how do I get this feeling that I want sometimes without having to be the biggest BRAT in the world?? As you can see I am really STRUGGLING with this. It really effects me to where I have emotional outbursts or I do something so completley out of line like BINGING AND PURGING ....something MG does NOT like. Like last night for instance ....I was very upset at MG for alot of different reasons so I had a bad day where I cried half the day and then I ordered a pizza and decided to just emotionally eat. One of MG's rules is I can NOT order a pizza without his permission BUT I did it anyways!! I did it for TWO very basic reasons ......to test him and see if he would follow through with punishing me for it and the second reason was because I just was sooooo emotional and I wanted to binge on that pizza and had every intention of purging too. MG calls me on his dinner break from work and I told him what I was doing and he asked me if I had permission and I said NOPE and that was the exact reason why I did it. He asked if I was going to purge and I said YEP and he said that if I do then the spanking would be soooo much worse than if I just had a couple of slices. I did think about it and decided not to press my luck so I just ate a few slices and felt miserable afterwards :( That evening when he got home he did follow through and he spanked me for ordering the pizza without his permission. And he did remind me that if I had purged then the spanking would have been that much worse. He spanked me pretty hard with the hairbrush so I am glad that I didn't push him by purging. I am sore enough today to remind me not to order a pizza again each time I sit. So all in all he has been doing his part with the consistency ....it's just I seem to need the feeling of being punished at least twice a week!!

Hurting......

deep down inside

Not sure how to express it anymore.

Lonely ....

My nights are filled with lonliness

and my days are spent trying to hide how I feel.

Pressure...

to be perfect

to do it all

to be all I can be.

Wanting...

to feel loved

to be accepted.

Needing...

positive attention

but also negative attention too

spanked

Dreaming...

of the perfect Dom

to always be consistent

to always be firm

to always spank me when needed.

Fantasizing...

about bondage and spanking

about feeling totally helpless

about feeling controlled.

These are where my thoughts are at lately. Just always randomly thinking :(

I need a good spanking and I don't mean just a five minute spanking and be done with me spanking but a real butt busting, make my ass red, sore, and sorry spanking. I think that has been half my problem lately and the reason why I seem to be always on edge and bitchy. There is so much that I am going through that MG just doesn't understand and he takes it as I don't want to change my old habits but that isn't what it is. I am used to alot of things that are not there anymore in this relationship and it isn't going to just go away. I am trying but he is asking for to much to happen and he wants it to happen NOW. Well that isn't going to happen that way.

This week my eating habits have literally went to hell in a handbasket :( I have been emotionally eating for two days now and the question is why do I do it? Well the reason is because I have no real consequence for doing it therefore I do it and I do it out of anger towards MG for not helping me :( MG has been spanking me for certain transgressions when it comes to my dieting but the one thing he almost always refuses to spank me for is my emotional eating and binging and purging habits. He feels that this is something I have to conquer on my own because it's within my control and he can't control that :( And I have been trying to do this on my own with some success but then something comes up where I can't handle it emotionally and I just turn to food because I don't know where else to turn :(

I want so much to lose this weight but I can't do it without consequences and there have been times where MG doesn't do a thing and it just frustrates the hell out of me. The last couple of weeks I have just felt like ONE BIG FAILURE with this dieting thing. I am having a really hard time with it and I just don't know what to do ....I NEED HELP but no where to turn for that help and it's starting to take it's toll on me. MG just makes me feel bad and says I don't want to change but GOD he doesn't understand how bad I feel and how I am trying to change! I just feel soooooo ALONE right now and it's scary when you are in a relationship and you feel that alone. I put my health at risk everytime I binge or purge or have an emotional meltdown and eat anything and everything in sight. I have hypoglycemia that I put out of whack each time I have an emotional binge. I have thought about going back to the diet pills just because at least when I was on those I seemed to binge less because of the diet pill supressing my appetite. I AM JUST NOT SURE WHERE TO TURN ANYMORE :( It's like I am slowly dying inside. I thought I was strong enough to do this on my own but I am not so sure if I am strong enough for anything anymore :(