Brat Out Of Control
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Lack of submissivness due to lack of Dominance? Is this possible?
Lately I haven't felt "submissive" at all and I really hate the way it makes me feel. Not sure what it is but I know it's not my fault. I tend to blame myself when something isn't going right or something is wrong but this is different.
I am mad at MG but what is new :( It's bad enough that I don't feel "submissive" but then he tells me that in his opinion I don't want to feel "submissive" nor do I want a "boss". Now how can he make these conclusions when he doesn't even know how I feel :( Nothing like ruining my great mood today!
I am very sensitive and whatever he tells me I really evaulate it and take it to heart. Alot of things he says I end up getting very hurt by and then it just down spirals from there. So I guess I am not "submissive" :( All I want to do is just curl myself up in bed and cry :(
They say to be very careful if you make a woman cry , because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's ribs. Not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Underneath the arm to be protected, next to the heart to be loved always.
That is all I want in life ...to feel loved and protected but with that comes feeling "submissive". I don't want to be walked on like a door mat yet I don't want to be the one in the relationship to feel like the "boss" either. And right now I feel like I am the "boss" , and that is because MG is NOT doing his job.
I cry alot because of this issue. I know what I want , and I know what I need and I have communicated this to MG yet the problem is not solved and I feel the same as I did six months ago. I try to accept the way things are but I can't ....no matter how hard I try I always start feeling way out of control and I feel out of place as well :(
I am dealing with alot from my past and that doesn't help things in this relationship and I thought that I could deal with it on my own but I am finding out that it's harder than I thought. When my ex would micro-manage me and tell me what to do it made me feel that he cared enough to take time out to do that to me and that meant he loved me.
I know MG loves me but he doesn't follow up on things with me and it bothers me. I am so used to be talked down to that when he doesn't do it then I don't feel like he loves me. I know it sounds screwed up and that is because it is but it's how I feel at this time. There are times where he has punished me for breaking a rule but yet I don't feel punished enough by him and my reaction is to "brat" in order to get spanked again. It's terrible that I have to be this way but the fact is I am this way and I just don't see anything changing it.
MG says that I was "forced" into submission by my ex-husband and that is why now I am having a hard with "submission" but nautrally I disagree with him. I do agree that alot of what my ex-husband did was not normal and it was very abusive and yes I did submit to him out of plain fear of the consequences BUT I also remember a time in my marriage (within the first year) that I did submit to him because it came nautral to me and because I loved him at that time. So I know I have that natural submissive ability!!
Labels: Dominant, lack of control, spanking, submissive
Friday, May 23, 2008
Don't forget to remember!!!
Since I am going to be out of town on this Memorial Day weekend I thought I would put up my Memorial Day tribute to those who have lost thier lives in past wars and to those who have lost thier lives in the war we are currently in as well as to those who are fighting for our country. We can not and must not forget these brave souls :) I hope everyone has a nice and safe holiday but remember to take a moment to REMEMBER!!
Labels: Memorial Day, remember
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Rants & Raves/ Submissivness/Invalidated Feelings
Well I am back and the reason? Because I just can't stay away from "blogging" because it's my only way to vent or to be heard is more like it. Right now there is not one person in my life that "validates" my feelings so "blogging" seems to be the thing I do anymore. At least I can get things off my chest that are really bothering me since I can't seem to open up to anyone in my life right now because I don't feel safe in doing so. To validate one's feelings is to first accept someone's feelings, next it is to understand them, and the third thing is to nurture them.
When we validate someone we allow them to safely share thier feelings and thoughts. This is something that I don't have with MG and it is very hurtful to me because it reminds me of how my ex treated me. I wasn't allowed to express my feelings or share my thoughts but instead I was told to keep my thoughts to myself , and as far as my feelings went he just didn't care. Do you have any idea how that makes a person feel? I went through ten years of that type of abuse. So now that I am finally in a good and healthy relationship to where I feel I can express my feelings and share my thoughts , what happens? He doesn't validate my feelings on an emotional level and that HURTS :(
I just don't feel heard, acknowleged, understood, or accepted and it's just painful to feel that way :( Well no wonder I don't want to explain my feelings or communicate , who would if it always makes you feel like this "bad" person. When it comes to relationships I just feel like a failure at this point. I have already told myself that if MG and I don't make it then that will be it , I won't ever want to get in another relationship again because I rather feel lonely for the rest of my life than to get hurt again :( Do I want to be alone? No I don't but being alone is better than getting hurt all the time. I want this relationship to work and that is why I am still in it!!
There are days where I just think if I could just give in to MG , and allow him to win and just for me to keep my mouth shut and hold my feelings in and away from him then maybe we will have a better chance at a healthier relationship. He told me last nite that he thought he had a "submissive" girlfriend, and he said it so sarcastically that it hurt me with the way he said it. It hurt to hear him say it that way because I am "submissive" in alot of ways but in other ways I am not and that is because of what I went through with my ex. I refuse to put myself totally at someone else's will because when I did that the first time I ended up getting abused and now I have a lifetime of hurt all for what? All because I wanted to totally please a man that I thought loved me and cherished me but really he didn't :( I won't put myself in that predicament again....EVER!!
There are just some things I refuse to be "submissive" on and that is three things:
* I won't be submissive to the point where I will quit my job ....been there and done that and I was stuck due to it.
* I won't be submissve to where I will do "anything" for a Dominant's pleasure.
* And I won't allow myself to be physically hurt.
Being in an abusive D/s relationship for ten years has changed me in alot of ways and in ways that I don't like but I just have to learn how to deal with it in the best way that I know how. When I first met my ex I was young, dumb, and very naive but now I am 34 years old and alot wiser and I just won't put myself in that situation again. I have learned that the more you give in a relationship the more the other person takes and if that person doesn't love you (like my ex didn't) then it can be dangerous ground that your walking on especially in a D/s or DD relationship. I was so willing to please him that I would do ANYTHING for him and that is a no no in this type of relationship and I had to unfortunatley learn that the hard way :(
It seemed like the more I gave to the relationship or the more I gave to him the more he would take and then take it to the next level until I was completley "submissive" to him and he really had my mind because I truly thought he loved me but the only thing that he loved was he "loved to hurt me, torture me, beat me, rape me and at the time I thought he was just being "Dominant" and he was "putting me in my place". I was 18 years old when I met him and he was 29 years old so he obviously had the advantage. I married him at the age of 21 which was to young to get married anyways but of course I thought "I was in love" and I wouldn't listen to anyone , not even my dad who didn't like him. Of course now I wished I would have listened to my dad but I can't go back in time to redo my life so I now have to move forward and not make the same mistakes ever again.
Don't get me wrong I love being "submissive" to MG and I am "submissive" in alot of areas of our relationship. I am completley "submissive" during our play times with spanking and sometimes I am not as "submissive" as I should be for a punishment spanking but I don't think I do to bad. When it comes to our sexual relationship I am "submissive" there as well. I pretty much follow the rules he has set although there are sometimes when I can be a complete brat and I will break a rule to test him but for the most part I think I am pretty good with following the rules. When he tells me to do something I usually do it although I can use some improvment in that area ;) I am slacking in the cooking department but that is mostly his fault. I need much improvment in the cleaning department but he has yet to correct me or punish me for not doing the housework although his excuse there is because he knows I work long hours and by the end of the week I am exhausted and while that is very sweet of him to think of me like that I take it as " He doesn't care enough to correct or punish me for not doing the housework therefore he doesn't love me". Or he just doesn't want to take the time to correct or punish me therefore I must not be important to him. So I know I am submissive in alot of areas of the relationship therefore nobody can tell me that I am not. I just won't allow myself to be a doormat for any man ever again.
Labels: brat, D/s, hurting, invalidated feelings, submissive
Monday, May 19, 2008
Taking a break
I just wanted to let all of my readers know that I am going to be away from the "blogging" world for awhile. I just need a much needed break from blogging. I am going through some very personal problems that are causing alot of emotional pain and I just don't have the energy nor the time to get online and blog about anything at this time. I just want to say thank you to the many friends I have made through this blog. You guys have been great with all of your wonderful comments. I will be back but I am not sure when because I have to deal with what is going on "inside" of me first before I can "blog" about anything significant. So this is goodbye but not forever.
Labels: break time, emotional health, emotional pain, goodbye, personal problems
Friday, May 16, 2008
The picture to the left describes exactly how I feel at this very moment. There are alot of days that I wish I was a kid again because the one thing that my parent's were right about is I had it easy then and boy were they right. You don't know how easy you have it as a kid until you become an adult LOL.
I am dealing with alot of undue stress right now and it's hard for me not to react like a litte kid. There are days that I just want to be a brat and act like I am 6 years old and it's the one thing I hate about myself (well there are alot of other things I hate about myself but that is another story).
I know it's not normal to want to revert back to a child like state but at times that is how I act and it's what I do. There are alot of different ways of dealing with stress but I deal with my stress by being a "brat" and when I do MG is sure to straighten me out but then I act as if I am mad at him for doing so but it's the end result that I want. I confuse MG and I also confuse myself too.
Right now I am kind of going through a mid life crisis but way early :( I am finding all of these things that are "wrong" with me and trying to fix them. I NEVER used to be like this. Even after gaining my weight I always knew that I was still "pretty" and no one could tell me different because I know that I am "pretty". But lately I am even questioning myself because of certain things that are happening to me. My skin is looking dull and I always look tired and it's taking a toll on me. So what do I start doing? I start buying everything I can think of to "fix" the problem. Last weekend I went to get my haircut and I told the stylist to give me a haircut that makes me look younger and she laughed at me and said "Your only like 24 or 25 years old , right"? She definantly made me feel good LOL. I told her guess again LMAO.
I ended up getting a cute cut and she gave me bangs LOL ...which definantly make me look younger and I really like the hair cut she gave me so it did help with how I have been feeling about myself lately. I thought back to when I was first married to my ex , when I was actually attractive to him and he would always say how pretty I was or how beautiful I am which definantly helped me to know I was attractive in his eyes. I think it's important that when your in a relationship that each partner should give "compliments" because it helps to know that your still attractive to that person. I think it's especially true with woman .....woman need to be told that they are "pretty" , or attractive to her boyfriend/husband. That is part of the intimacy in a relationship and it is just as important as a great personality.
But the stress is definantly getting to me and I can feel a brat attack coming on although I have been trying not to do that :( But the harder I try the harder it seems to not have a brat attack. I remember a time in my life when I didn't have to "brat" like I do now and I miss that about me. I used to have balance in my life and it seems lately that the balance has been disturbed. It's like I have a angel on my right shoulder and a devil on my left shoulder and it's like I have a battle with it all the time. I know what is right but I want to do the wrong thing , if that makes any sense. There is something missing but I don't know quite what it is and that is the most frustrating part for me. It's like a piece of the puzzle is missing and I can't find it :(
Labels: balance, brat attack, bratting, crying fit, intimacy, mid life crisis, stress
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Damned FRUSTRATED!!!!!
I am so frustrated with myself that I could just scream and I mean literally scream at myself. I am just not sure why I do the things that I do. I do know what I am used to vs. what I am not used too and I am so trying to get used to MG and his ways but it's hard.
MG is a great guy and I am a very lucky girl to have such a great guy in my life BUT no one said it would be easy to go from a very controlling dominant male to a laid back dominant male. With my ex I was micro-managed and I didn't like it but why am I so miserable at times???
I don't like making decisions and I sure in the hell don't like it when MG asks my opinion on things. I don't feel submissive and I HATE it :( I don't like inconsistency and when that happens it's just all the more confusing for me. I like rules which I don't have and the ones I do have I break half the time because there is no real consequence is why.
Then I do things to really piss MG off so he will just spank me ....how childish is this? He hates it when I don't answer my cell phone so when I am frustrated I don't answer it ...he hates it when I order pizza because I am not supposed to unless I have his permission but because I don't feel one ounce of submissivness what do I do ...I order the fucking pizza anyways!!!!!!!
I go from a good mood all day today to one hell of a BAD mood now and I don't even know why :( I am like a roller coaster ....everything is up , down, up , down, up, down in my life right now. And I HATE it with a passion!!!
I feel like a 34 year old stuck in a 10 year old's body :( And I feel DAMNED FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labels: angry, bad mood, confusion, frustrated, sad
Saturday, May 03, 2008
The "Bratty" waitress that needed a spanking :)
I just have to vent about this waitress that MG and I got last nite at dinner time. We decided to go out to eat at Black Eye Pea, not our favorite resturant but it's a nice atmosphere and decent food. So we get there and of course we get this young, ditzy waitress with this high pitched cheery voice and I thought to myself , "Oh brother" but I dismissed it and thought as long as we get good service I don't care how ditzy this girl is :) The one thing I hate is getting "bad service" and here in Texas it happens to often where you will recieve "bad service" in a resturant.
I proceed to tell MG , "She is ridiculous with how she is eyeing you". And with a twinkle in his eye he laughs and says "Hon she just wants a good tip". I thought "Yeah right". I swear everytime we go into a resturant all these "young" girls are always flirting with him and it's soooo obvious that it's just plain ridiculous!! And he always says it's not because of his "animal magnetism" (LOL) but because they just want a good tip. And I say they need to just do thier damn job and then they wouldn't have to worry about getting a good tip.
Anyways we order and I ordered a tea with lemon but of course she brings the tea without the lemon so I look at her as serious as can be and say "Can I please have my lemon" , and she says "Oh yes ma'am I am sorry" and she leaves the table. At this point I am just beyond irritated with her. MG can see that I am not happy and he says " It's ok hon she is trying at least." I thought "Yeah well she needs to try harder". Then I tell him " She needs a spanking and I would love to give it to her". He laughs and says " My you are in a feisty mood tonight". I thought "Your damn right".
Now for me to say that I want to spank anyone is a real shocker because I am completley submissive and I have NO desire to spank anyone BUT this girl was soooo annoying with her sweet cheery voice, batting her eyelashes and flirting with MY boyfriend ( and mind you he is old enough to be my dad ...so when this 18 year old brat flirts with him I just think it's ridiculous) that if I could have I would have taken this brat and bent her over the table for a good dose of the paddle :) Now granted MG looks very good for his age therefore many people don't believe how old he really is this being the reason why this little brat was flirting with him in the first place. And no I don't believe it was to get a good tip :) It has happened to many times , and each time it's the same thing!!
Then our meals come out but it's not her that brings them to us , which was fine with me :) After our meals were placed in front of us I looked at MG and said " She hasn't brought my lemon for my tea yet". Now mind you she said she was sorry and she was going to get it , well she never came back with it.....ughhh!!!! At this point MG just thinks I am so cute with how feisty I am being and he says " I will get the lemon for you". I thought ..."Good luck". She comes back in a couple minutes and MG looks at her , and of course the little brat is all smiles in his face and he says "Can you please bring my girlfriend her lemon for her tea". And she is like , "Oh yes Sir I am so sorry" I told MG if she is truly sorry then she needs to bend over now and he laughs at me and says "Your something". Do you know that little brat immeadiatley brought me my lemon. And I thought "And he thinks it's because she wants a good tip my ass". LOL :) She brought that lemon immeadiatley because he asked her but when I asked her it was like she could care less.
I really think it's because she liked him and it was so obvious that she did because her eye contact was always at him , never once did she look at me and when she did it was a glance. She came by our table a whole lot just to ask how things were but it was ridiculous how many times she came by. And each time she came to the table all eyes were on MG and I swear she was going to be stuck smiling forever with as much as she smiled at him LOL. And to top all of that she gave us "bad service" , at least in my opinion. MG really felt sorry for her because he thinks that she was new and she was just trying to hard to be nice and friendly and obviously she was trying to hard because she was forgetting to bring us things where we had to ask several times , and she didn't refill our drinks until we asked. I did NOT feel one bit sorry for her!!!!
Anyways we finished our meal , and yes MG did give her a tip BUT I got the better end of the deal :) So there you little "brat" because the bigger BRAT has what you want :)
Labels: brat, bratty waitress, flirt, paddling, spanking