Brat Out Of Control
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Feeling Out Of Control
I have been feeling so out of control with "food" lately and after I end up eating something I am not supposed to eat I then feel the guilt of it all after the fact and then that turns into anger. I become angry at myself for failing once again, and angry towards MG because I feel like he isn't doing enough to help me. Then after the anger subsides I am really sad about the whole thing and I can't seem to forgive myself.
The problem is I have made food my "friend" and when I need comforting then the first thing I go for is a pizza, or doughnuts, or god forbid a whole gallon of icecream :( I have my good days with it but I also have my bad days with it , and when it's bad , it's really bad :( I try with all of my might not to give into any emotional eating but when I am emotional (which is alot lately) it's hard not to eat out of emotion.
MG is very aware of what I do (that is if I confess to it) and the times I have lied to him about eating something I shouldn't have he always seems to find out the truth (which I usually tell on myself due to the "guilt" I am feeling about lying to him). MG does spank me for certain things when it comes to my eating habits. Does it work? I think what it does for me is to help me release the "guilt" that I feel about not eating right, or overeating , or eating out of emotion. But does it stop the behavior? Sadly it hasn't yet :(
My pain tolerance is so high that spanking really doesn't help me to change the behavior and it really bothers me that I am like this :( I absolutley hate this about myself!! I just feel really alone in all of this and I feel like it will always be this way. I cry all the time and I know it's not normal but once I cry it out then I seem to be ok until the next time that is. I cry on my lunch break, and then again I cry after work.
Then there is MG and I and the problems we have and according to him it's all my fault therefore I have guilt there as well :( Maybe it is all my fault , I don't know. I am to the point where I am afraid to tell him how I feel because somehow it gets turned around and again it's my fault. We had a really bad fight the other nite and it got way out of control and I was crying and really upset to the point where I start thinking crazy thoughts like "Why was I ever born", and "If I were gone then they all would be sorry".
So all of this leads me to alot of emotional eating which is not good for my diet because I seem to be yo-yoing alot these past few weeks and it really hurts my goals. I not only feel bad about disappointing myself but I also disappoint MG and that is what hurts me the most. To see his "eyes" filled with disappointment is very hard for me to deal with. I rather him just spank me for it than to give me that "look". I hate myself alot , especially latley. I feel like a failure in so many ways and it's very emotionally overwhelming for me and that is why all the crying lately.
I love MG so much and there are times when we fight that he says I don't love him which really hurts a whole lot. When he says those words it's like my heart gets torn in two :( I have heard those words before by someone that used to be very special to me in my past and it hurt then too so for those all to familiar words to take root in this relationship is very painful to me! I cry over this too. I try not to allow these things to bother me but it's useless ....they do bother me because I am only human and I have feelings.
There are times when I pray to die because of all the emotional pain I am in and I think sometimes that would be the only way to stop the hurting! All I want is for the hurting to stop so I could be truely happy again!! It's just so hard to live like this and it's taking it's toll on
me :(
Labels: emotional health, food, hurting, out of control, spanking
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Wanna Play?
Wanna play? It's such a simple question, isn't it? I wish it were that simple for me but there are times when I can't even bear the thought of asking MG for a spanking or any other type of play for that matter. I find it very hard to go to that level of submission and just ask to be spanked. So what I end up doing is "bratting" until he says "enough is enough" and he spanks me for it. I know that this is very frustrating for MG as well as very frustrating for me especially when he doesn't seem to understand why I am doing the "bratting" therefore there are times when he allows it to go on and on because he can't tell if it's "bratting" because I want spanked or if it's because I am being the emotional woman that I am. Therefore we both get frustrated and angry which leads to an argument and eventually leads him to spanking me out of being frustrated and in the end I feel "ok" again. I know this isn't a healthy way to act just to get spanked , and I also know that asking him to spank me would solve all of that mess. He likes it when I "brat" and I like it to but there is a right way and a wrong way of doing it and I would say that ninety percent of the time I do it the wrong way. I am learning to communicate a little better than when we first started dating so there has been improvment on my part but I also know that there is alot more work for me to do. I just think that bringing D/s or DD in a relationship makes things that much more complicated and no wonder I have problems with talking about D/s or even asking him for a spanking. It seems simple enough but it really isn't.
Sometimes I ask myself "Why do I like being spanked?" Is it the pain I like? Is it the control from the Dom that I like? Is it the submissive role that I like? Or is it because I like to feel authority over me? Well I have come to the conclusion that it's because of all of those things and then some. I grew up in a household where my dad was the "boss" and there were no if's, and's or but's about it. So I was raised to know that the man is the "boss" and his wife, girlfriend, partner was in the submissive role. So I feel that alot of my childhood has to do with my choice of being in a D/s relationship....not all but alot! I was spanked growing up and I absolutley HATED it , as most kids at that time did. But my dad had rules , and if they were broken then there were consequences to endure if I chose to go my own way. After I went on to college and was no longer under my dad's roof or rules I thought I was going to feel free from rules BUT boy was I wrong. There were still rules but instead of the consequence of a spanking there was consequences that were much worse and that was Life's Consequences and I didn't like it one bit. I truly missed my dad's rules and his consequences although I would have never admitted that then :)
So in my life I really think that I chose this lifestyle because it's what I like , what I need, and what I want. Alot of people wouldn't understand where I am coming from because it's not for everyone and I don't expect others to understand me but what I do expect is not to be judged for being different. That is where other people and thier ignorant thinking irritate the hell out of me. The one thing my dad told me before I went off to college was there are going to be alot of people out in the world who are going to judge you for whatever reason, and the ones who will be ignorant but that doesn't mean I have to be the same way. He told me to kill them with kindness because that will get you much farther in the world than to be like them. I took that advice to heart and I feel that I have done just that :)
Labels: D/s, DD, frustration, play, spanking
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Beyond Sad & Hurt
Things just aren't going as I would like them too. Usually I am pretty happy by the middle of the week and that is because I know that MG is going to be off of work and even though I am working at least I am working from home and him and I can at least get some time spent togather. But he might have to work the rest of the week , including the weekend due to some issues at work and I am not happy about it. The only time we get anymore is the weekends and now he possibly could be working the whole weekend including the rest of the week :(
I know I should be thankful for what little time we do have to spend togather but it's not enough and if that sounds greedy then so be it. I think I deserve to be greedy with what I have gone through in the past therefore I don't plan on making those same mistakes in this relationship , at least not if I can help it. What makes me so angry is MG doesn't have to work , he can tell them no and they can find a replacement for the other guy but the problem is he says yes , and that just tells me that he doesn't value the little time we do have togather. That just tells me that he cares more about making more money than he cares about me , us, or our relationship and that makes me sad :(
If he tells them yes to working his days off then I won't be at all happy about it :( I am tired of being hurt by men who claim that they love me , and I am just not going to put up with it. If he loves me as he says he does then he won't work his days off ...plain and simple. The one other reason why we both decided that me working from home would be a good thing is because it would give us more time to spend togather during the weekdays that he has off (which are Thursdays & Fridays) and then of course our weekends too. There has to be balance in everything and right now there is NO balance in the time we spend togather and his view is we have to spend our time togather wisely but my view is we don't get enough quality time togather and some of it's due to him working on days that he should have off and it's something he can control but yet he chooses to tell them YES each time they need him to work overtime!! It's RIDICULOUS !!!!!!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Spanked & Mouth Soaping
There is something about getting your mouth washed out with soap that makes you want to behave so it NEVER happens again :) I have a real problem with bad language especially when I am mad or angry and lately I have been using bad langauage which MG absolutley hates. I am not permitted to use bad language under any circumstances because it's just not lady like nor is it acceptable. Well of course I have a different view on this therefore I justify why I use the bad language and for awhile there it was working with MG because he was allowing me to get away with using bad language therefore I saw no reason to stop nor did I have any type of motivation to stop.
I have been spanked for using bad language but it really hasn't been working. Spanking works with me for some things but not all things and this is one of those things. So the other nite I was up due for a punishment spanking but I didn't know MG was going to also give me a mouth soaping on top of it :( I got paddled for using bad language as well as flipping off MG which is a no , no. The paddling hurt and I was crying and upset and I thought to myself "I won't ever swear again or flip off MG again". Then to my surprise MG tells me to stand up and put my hands on my head and I thought it was the end of the punishment and he was just going to give me one last lecture but NOOOOOO , he tells me to open up and I see the bar of soap in his hand.
I literally freaked out and I thought "How dare he", and I thought " I am not a child , how dare he". So I refused to open my mouth and he kept saying "Michelle you better open up because your going to make it worse where you will be paddled with the soap in your mouth". I didn't test him therefore I opened up and took the soap. I was so mad that I couldn't even cry like I really wanted too. It had been a long time since I have had soap but the all to familiar taste came back as soon as that soap hit my mouth. I kept telling MG that he was going to make me sick , and I meant literally sick because that is what it does to me but he wouldn't hear of it and told me to bad.
I can't say I didn't deserve the soap because I had been testing him quite sometime to see what he was going to do. So I got paddled on top of the soap for the bad language and I am hoping that was enough. I was very mad at MG after the whole punishment was over and I withdrew from him and told him to leave me alone , which he did :( Even though I knew I deserved the spanking and the soap , didn't mean I had to like it or even agree with it. I don't like the soap thing for several reasons. To me it's a humiliating experience and it's almost like your reduced down to be treated like a child and you would think I would think the same way when I get spanked but I don't. But mouth soaping is a little different and I really HATE it therefore I should avoid it for quite some time by keeping my language clean :)
Labels: humiliation, mouth soaping, paddling
Friday, April 04, 2008
Punishment spanking
Last nite I got a punishment spanking that was well deserved but for some reason after it was over I couldn't stop crying. I usually don't cry when MG spanks me only because I deal with pain so well but lately I have been crying during punishment spankings which is a break through because before I couldn't so I am happy with that :)
I did start to cry towards the end of this punishment spanking and then afterwards all I did was cry :( I just couldn't stop crying because I felt "hurt" or my feelings got "hurt" is more like it. I am just to darn sensitive and I hate that about myself , I wish God would have made me less sensitive because I honestly don't like that about myself.
The spanking took place right before bedtime so after I got into bed all I wanted to do was cry myself to sleep but of course MG could hear me and asked me if anything was wrong and of course I told him nothing (that is my usual answer anymore even when something is wrong). I continued to cry for a good five or ten minutes and again he asked me if anything was wrong. I told him I just felt like he was mad at me , and that was part of it. There have been very few times that I have felt that from him during a punishment spanking but this was one of those times.
He said that he wasn't mad at me , and he asked me if I knew he loved me , and I said yeah I do. I know he loves me but there are just times that I get this way after he punishes me. It's almost like I want his "sympathy" because he is the one who hurt me. Or maybe I just want my way to be the right way and him getting me to comply during the spanking just upsets me to no end....at least those are some of my thoughts on it. I just don't like to be wrong and that is probably half my problem.
I was very "submissive" with my ex-husband and it was to the point that I had no will whatsoever in the relationship and that was the way he wanted it and that is what I accepted it to be. Now that I am not in that relationship anymore I am real careful in this relationship and real careful of how "submissive" I am to MG. With my ex I had no say in anything with us or the relationship but with MG I do and I like it that way. I am just not sure if I can ever be that "submissive" ever again! I don't ever want to allow myself to get into another abusive situation ever again therefore I think that is why I am cautious in alot of things in this relationship.
I just wonder sometimes if I will ever feel "normal" again. I wish I could erase alot of my past completley away because it's just so painful to think about and then everything would be "ok" but that would only happen in a perfect world and there is no such thing as a perfect anything. So how do I deal with alot of it? How do I come to terms that this is the way I am and nothing is going to change it? These are the questions that race through my head alot when I start thinking about it all. I think of myself as "used goods" in alot of ways and that is because before my marriage to my ex-husband I was just an oridnary girl who had a dream of finding a man that would love, and cherish me , having children , and growing old with him. All that was shattered due to abuse that to this day I still don't understand the "why" too. And then when I finally got sick of the abuse and left him I thought that I would be able to walk away and be ok but I am not ok, nothing is ok because I still live with it :(
The abuse I went through has changed me as a person , and it has also changed me as a woman, submissive , and if I ever became a "wife" again it would change me there too. The physical scars I can deal with , and have dealt with , it's the emotional scars that will be there forever and I just don't see a way with dealing with that. It's not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Can life get anymore complicated?
Labels: brat, punishment spanking, submissive
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Being My Bratty Self
This is unusual for me to blog twice on the same day but what can I say , I felt like being a "brat"! I thought that the pic that I have attached to this entry just "says it all" lol ;) That is me , the "blonde brat" LMAO!! And I am sure that MG would agree with that too.
You know how there are some people who are the "boss" at thier jobs but when they come home they just want to hand over the control over to thier partner. That is me!! I work from home but I have a very demanding job and it requires me to be the "boss" and honestly I don't like it much but it pays the bills so I can't complain.
I honestly love my job and I wouldn't know what to do without it but it's so demanding and stressful that by the time my day is over I just want to sometimes be a BRAT and I mean literally act "bratty"!! It's like all of the day's stresses just come to a boiling point at the end of my day and I tend to take it out on MG when I don't even mean too :(
I just wish MG would recognize what is going on and DO SOMETHING about it (hint, hint sweetie lol). And I guess I should communicate this to him but there are just some things that a Dom should know (you know?) I mean come on it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that I might be a little (or alot) stressed from working a 12 hour day GEEEZ! My day starts at 6 A.M. and it doesn't end until 6 P.M and that alone is stressful!! I just sometimes feel that MG isn't sensitive towards my needs, especially my spanking needs.
Spanking can be a very good stress reliever as well as help me to know my place in our relationship because honestly I don't feel like the "submissive" in the relationship lately :( And I can't totally blame MG because he is trying, I just don't feel alot of different things that I should be feeling in the relationship. It's like there is this "empty" space in my heart , and I can't figure it out. Something is missing but I am not sure what!! I read all these spanking blogs and I think "Gee , everyone has the perfect spanking relationship except me" and that makes me sad. Of course I know that everything can't be perfect in any type of relationship but alot of what I read sure sounds darn near perfect....except mine :(
I was reading on one blog where they said that most submissives crave a spanking not because of the spanking itself but because they want to feel loved, and feel thier partner's "authority" over them....it sounded like they were describing me. It's like I have this deep seeded need to feel MG's authority over me , and to feel that he loves me. I am constantly testing him but why?? At first it was to see if he would go through with what he said as far as punishments and so forth but now I think it's to prove to myself that he really does love me and if he doesn't come through then I am heart broken :(
I know my past has alot to do with this mess!! I went through two DD relationships where I gave my everything in the relationship and for what ? Just to be hurt and now I am so afraid of getting hurt again that I really haven't given MG my all nor have I really given him my whole heart, and it's because I am so scared of getting hurt again :( So once again my past haunts me and I am not really sure how to reverse that!!
Labels: afraid of getting hurt again, bratting, D/s, DD, hurting, My Past
FRUSTRATED
This picture describes exactly how I feel about MG at this very moment! I am the submissive in our relationship but this is ONE time that I would switch roles just so I could spank him for what he said to me this morning. I have never been soooo angry towards him before this. And not just angry but truly hurt by his words. Then after what he said he had the nerve to say that he hopes I have a good day ....I am thinking "Yeah right".
He said that I was "stressing him out" ....so of course the most nautral thing I did was hang the phone up on him , since I was stressing him out so much I thought I would give him a break!! I am the one who is FUCKING stressed out!!
So this is how my morning started out , and it hasn't gotten much better and probably won't. My good day has already gone to hell and it's not even noon yet :( I don't feel submissive which I hate , and he allows me to break rule after rule , no fucking consistency at all , and I just have had it!! I am soooo FRUSTRATED and it has been building up for a few weeks now so anytime I know I am going to have a BRATTING FIT , and then that is going to be my fault to I am sure.
To top everything off I went on an eating binge this morning ....so now I have fucked that up for the day therefore I know I won't be able to get back on track with my eating , because I have already messed up and have consumed at least 800 empty calories so why fucking try and fix that for today :( I want to lose this weight so badly , yet there is always something that emotionally upsets me and I mess up and it takes me forever to get back on track :( I know once I get down to my normal weight that things will be VERY different between MG and I although he says my weight doesn't bother him ....I am NOT stupid!
The worst of this whole thing is MG will let this go too ....it won't matter to him that I over ate in calories , it's like he doesn't care, at least that is how I take it when he allows me to cuss continually without doing a DAMN thing about it ....or allows me to continually hurt myself by binging and purging ....or by over eating ...none of it just seems to matter to him therefore it doesn't matter to me either :( Forget feeling pretty , attractive , or sexy because I don't feel any of that anymore and I haven't for a very long time :( MG says he loves me , and I want to believe that but if you love someone then you will love everything about that person , and I just don't think that MG loves everything about me :( I already know he isn't attracted to me because I am overweight and I am trying to fix that but I am having a hard time with accepting certain things. I just wish things were different :(
Labels: angry, confused, frustrated, sad, unhappy