Brat Out Of Control
Monday, March 24, 2008
I Love Spanking , but is it to much?
Can one love spanking to much? Is to much of something a good thing or a bad thing? When does something become an addiction? Spanking has been a part of my life all of my life , and it seems the older I get the more I like it, and the more I want it!
No matter how much MG and I play (which is often) I don't get tired of it. There are also those times when I don't even feel the pain of a spanking ....I can turn the pain off somehow and I am not sure how I do it , but I have learned how to do it. It's like a switch that I can turn on and off at anytime I need it.
Last nite MG spanked me for fun (play spanking) and even his play spankings sting but I didn't feel a thing nor did I move or flinch as he was spanking me. He asked me why that was? It was a question that caught me off guard because honestly I didn't even know that I was blocking the pain out to where I wasn't moving or anything. I told him I wasn't sure why but I do know that I can do it and I have with him before. I am just not sure why I do it with him because there are times when I don't.
My ex-husband was an "abuser" , and we were into D/s , very heavy D/s and when he used to spank me real hard I would cry out in pain, and move and wiggle about and it was like he got a "high" off of it and he would spank me harder , it was like he loved to see me in pain :( So in retaliation I decided to learn a way to block the pain out so I would just lie there while he spanked me ....and eventually I learned how to do that. I guess I didn't want him to know how much he was truly hurting me , it was something I could control since most things in my life I couldn't control at that time, and it was my way of making him suffer. I figured if I didn't cry out in pain then he would stop spanking me , or stop trying to hurt me all the time. So I am sure somehow that is connected to why I do this from time to time with MG , I am just not sure how.
It's funny how your past can come back and haunt you!!
Labels: abuse, D/s relationships, loving spanking, painful spanking
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Slamming doors = Sore butt
Or for me this sign should read " Today's lesson, How NOT to slam a door." I have this bad habit of slamming doors when I am angry or emotionally upset, and it's a bad habit but it's one I have had for awhile now. Well MG doesn't like it and I have been spanked for it on several occasions already including last nite :( I was already mad at MG for what I call him not considering my feelings and being insensitive but if you talk to him he would disagree I am sure.
I was so hurt that all I did from 6 P.M until late last nite was cry over it. It's like I can't communicate what I am feeling to MG , but instead what I do is "brat", cry, and carry on for hours until finally I get so angry that I slam our bedroom door and here comes MG with the bath brush. I will have to admit that I slammed the door last nite to get his attention , and boy did I get his attention or shall I say my butt got the attention and I didn't like it :(
I was already feeling "bad", and upset and when MG spanked me for slamming the door that just made me feel very hurt. When I feel hurt I withdraw completley from the one who has hurt me! Well when I did that he assumed I didn't want to be in bed with him , and he went downstairs to the couch :( Well that just made me feel like all he wanted to do was spank me to hurt me and then leave me alone ....which just reminded me of my ex-husband because he did that to me all the time so of course I am crying in bed, and very upset. Well he suceeded in hurting me not only physically from the spanking but I was emotionally hurting too.
Do I think I deserved the spanking? Yes I do because I know that MG has a rule that I am not allowed to slam doors and I know the consequences that come with breaking that rule but I feel that he could have done it in a more sensitive manner. I just feel that he didn't consider how I was already feeling and he didn't even take the time to see why I slammed the door. If he would come off as more sensitive toward me then I would open up to him a whole lot more than I do. The only things he was doing last nite was upsetting me with threatening to leave me and I just think that is a cruel way of trying to get someone to talk. But everytime we get into an argument the first thing he says is he is going to leave if I keep this up , like everything is my fault and my fault only :(
I think the reason why he threatens he is going to leave is because he thinks it will straighten me up because that is a big fear that I have and I feel that he takes advantage of that and that is not only hurtful but wrong to do to someone. I could easily tell him that I am going to leave to with some of the issues I have with him but I have NEVER said that to him and that is because I love him to much to say that just to hurt him. He is always saying that if I love him then I will communicate with him and not withdraw well if he loves me then he will stop saying he is going to leave me :(
Whoever came up with "It's better to have loved and lost than to not love at all" is an idiot! My heart has been broken twice in my lifetime, and my spirit has been definantly crushed and honestly I don't think that I can take much more :(
Labels: hurting, slamming doors, sore butt
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Being a Brat
I just thought that this pillow that says "I am not a brat"! "I'm Not , I'm Not, I'm Not" was to cute to pass up :) That is how I act sometimes and it's so funny because I am truly acting like a spoiled brat even though I am insisting that I am not LOL. I have always said that I was born to brat and with me that holds true.
Maybe it is because my dad gave me the nickname "brat" at an early age, or maybe it's because I had so much fun with it as a kid that I didn't want to give it up once I became an adult, or maybe it's just because it's in my genes. Who knows what the reason is , I just know that I am a brat ;)
I got a punishment spanking last nite for not taking care of myself. On one hand I did it because I felt emotional, but on the other hand I did it because I wanted to see if MG cared enough about me to punish me for it! I really didn't think he was going to pull through and punish me for it , but I had to test it and see. I know he loves me , and I know he cares about me and cares about how I take care of myself but knowing it is not enough for me , I have to see if he does! I was happy with the end result, and now I know that I don't have to test him in that way again :) He truly wasn't happy with me for what I did , but not only did he express that to me verbally , but he also expressed it by taking a bath brush to my butt!
MG and I are doing better with the full-time D/s in our relationship although it's not where I want it to be yet , and it may never get where I want it to be. I am used to being in a full-time D/s relationship , but he isn't , in fact it's his first full-time D/s relationship and I am not sure if he is cut out for it but he is trying and that is all I can ask for. The one thing that we both know is we both love each other very much and that is the most important thing but for me the second most important thing is the D/s because that is one thing that I can't live without and I won't.
Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, punishment spanking
Friday, March 14, 2008
The Switch!
Last nite I got the "switch" , well it's not a real one but it's a synthetic "switch" called the White Lightning and I HATE it :) I think it hurts alot more than a real switch, of course the last time I had a real switch was when I was a teenager so I really can't tell you if this is worse or not. But I can tell you that it packs a sting you wouldn't believe.
Last nite was just for pure "play" purposes so there was no punishment or anything like that so it was fun to experience for "play" , but it wouldn't be fun for punishment, of course I should know LOL. I have never liked the implements that sting , I like the more thud type implements.....SPANK me with a paddle, hairbrush, or bathbrush anytime :) My butt can take more "thud" pain , than "sting" pain and I am not sure why but it's just the way I have been since I was a kid. Although MG has made me second guess if I like the paddle or not ....he's good at it...to good ;)
The one implement that I hate and fear the most would be the CANE , that is one that I can do without. I have felt the cane more than once in my lifetime , and believe me once is enough , or at least you would think once should be enough, but there are a few out there who are just stubborn and need a few more reminders than most , that would be me :) But the cane is the one implement that I can't seem to grow to love like the rest ....so it's a good thing that MG is to soft to ever use the cane on me....I am a lucky brat there :)
Labels: implements, play spankings, sting, switch, thud
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Play Spankings vs. Punishment Spankings
For me there are two types of spankings, one I enjoy and the other I hate. I guess spanking has always been a love/hate relationship for me. The other nite MG had said that I enjoy spanking to the point where punishment with spanking doesn't work for me. When he said this I was "upset" because that is simply not true , at least not in this brat's case :)
Yes I enjoy getting spanked , and I absolutley love it and there are times when I "brat" just so I can be put in my place and spanked and then all is well with the world again! But I DO NOT enjoy being punished! There is a difference between getting a spanking , and being punished with spanking.
MG and I practice D/s , with alot of DD elements to it. I have rules, and when broken there are consequnces and those consequences can be spanking, corner time, writing lines or essays, privleges taken away, or whatever MG decides. I have only experienced spanking, corner time, and writing lines/essays so far. I don't like it when I am actually punished for breaking one of MG's rules, and for him to say that punishing me doesn't work hurt my feelings because it does if it is done in the correct way!
I have alot of experience with very heavy play therefore I can take a hard spanking pretty good and it may seem like it doesn't effect me , but it does effect me in many more ways than just the physical pain. I don't like that I can take alot of physical pain but it's something that won't probably ever change therefore when MG punishes me he has to find a way to get to me on an emotional level. I have only had a few actual real punishment spankings from MG , and with each one there were things that I learned from them as well as MG. And with each one I reacted in a different way.
I have found that I need alot more verbal scolding during an actual punishment spanking for the tears to start flowing , because I have a very hard time with showing my emotions , and I feel that if I cry then that means MG wins , and I lose or feel like the weak one and I don't like that therefore I put this barrier up while he is spanking me and it works for the most part , although there have been a couple of occasions where MG has broken through that barrier and I have actually cried during spanking with him.
I have wanted to cry when he is punishing me , I just haven't been able to up until recently. For me crying is an important part of the spanking process when I am being punished for something done wrong , and if I don't cry then I don't feel like I have been punished enough for me to be able to get the guilt to go away. MG has recently told me to be verbal during a punishment spanking and say things such as "I am sorry" , "I won't do it again Sir", "Please no more Sir" , things like that to get the tears to flow , and I seriously didn't think it would help but it did and for the first time in our relationship I cried during a punishment spanking so I believe that is a good start to solving this problem :)
Anyways in my case I love spanking but I also hate getting punished with spanking because I know in my heart that breaking a rule is wrong , and I feel so guilty for disappointing MG that I know I deserve the punishment but it doesn't mean I have to like it. For me it's the disappointing look on MG's face , or in his voice that really effects me and for me knowing that I caused that is the true punishment, the spanking is just my reminder not to do it again!
Labels: D/s, DD, fun spanking, punishments, serious spanking, spankings
Monday, March 10, 2008
What is wrong with me?
I sometimes wonder why spanking is always on my mind , it's not like I don't "get it" , because I do so you would think it would be on my mind alot less than it is. I find myself over the bed for a bare bottom spanking quite a bit , especially lately and you would think that I would get sick of being sore ....but do I ? Noooo of course not which really bothers me :(
What is wrong with me? Is this normal? Better yet am I normal? I want spanked everyday , and if a day is missed then I become a real "brat". It's almost like I am addicted to spanking , if that is possible although I am not sure what is possible anymore :( I am thankful that I have a very patient Dom , we have had our problems in the D/s realm but we are working through those and they are getting better. I am surprised that he hasn't given up on me yet , because I would have given up on me long ago.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Bratting .....Why I do it!!!!
I have been really thinking hard on why I like to "brat" so much. When I was a kid my dad knew I was a "brat" , and the nickname just stuck from childhood to adulthood. I took my nickname from my dad as something special since I was daddy's little girl growing up , and I was the one in the family who needed the most attention therefore my dad gave me that attention although not always positive attention because there were times when the real "brat" came out and he had to spank me to get me back in line but overall I don't think I was a "bad" kid. By the time I was 18 years old I knew that I needed spanking in my life although I didn't want to admit that therefore I kept it to myself , kind of like my secret. D/s , and DD had been a part of my parent's lives so nautrally it became a part of my life as an adult.
Bratting has always been something that I have had to deal with , and I had to learn when it was appropriate vs. when it wasn't appropriate which is hard to do sometimes. I have used "bratting" in many ways and maybe in ways I shouldn't use it too. I know that "bratting" can signify "topping from the bottom" to some although I don't think that it always means that. I have used bratting to tease , and have some fun with but I have also used "bratting" as a way to try to get my way , or to try to get spanked. I find that when I "brat" just so I can get a spanking it's because I can't communicate to MG that "I need a spanking". Then I have used "bratting" just because of undue stress in my life whether it be from work , home, or relationship problems , and "bratting" is my way of expressing that or a way to get a emotional release. There have been a few times that I have used "bratting" because I was trying to "top from the bottom" , but that is something I try not to do because MG doesn't like it and I respect him more than that.
MG likes it when I use "bratting" as long as it's appropriate when I do it. We have had lots of fun with it in the past , and now in the present. So I really don't think that "Bratting" is all bad although it has a bad rap but when it's used in the right context, and at the right times I think it can be lots of fun for both the submissive , and the Dominant :) Although I have gone to far with the "bratting" even with MG ...and my butt has paid for it too :) Alot of it has happened because I have a hard time reading MG still , and I think with time I will be able to read him when he is really angry with me vs. if he is playing along with me so miscommunication has played a part in me getting my butt spanked for real for being a true brat and MG not thinking it was funny at all! But the communication is getting better on both our parts so that is a good thing :)
But I think that "bratting" for me is something that I was born to do :) I have tried to give it up so to speak and I found that I just couldn't do it! So now I just accept that this is who I am and if someone doesn't like it then to bad LOL ...see I am a brat ;)
Monday, March 03, 2008
Feeling Out Of Control
Well after my good cry in bed yesterday I felt much better , and eventually MG and I did finally talk about what was bothering me. It's hard for me to communicate my feelings to him , and I know it has alot to do with my past , and he tells me that I can't go on feelings , but it's hard not too. I am a very emotional person, always have been and probably always will be and I can't just turn that off whenever I want , God knows I wish I could because if I could then I would because I don't like how I get.....it makes me feel weak and makes me feel very out of control.
I just wish that MG would take more control over the situation because I think if he did then it would help me alot more. He allows me to get "out of control" which only makes me worse in the end. I have noticed that I have big time anger issues where I will slam doors, slam drawers, or slam anything that can be slammed and I have actually caused damage to our home due to it ....I never knew what it was until MG saw it first hand and told me that it's "underlying" anger issues that I have from the past due to abuse that I have endured. MG has spanked me in the past for this but he just isn't consistent enough with it and that just makes me feel even worse because I feel like he has just "given up" on me. One other person in my life just gave up on me and left one day without saying so much as a "goodbye" , and I just couldn't take it if MG did this to me , it would shatter my world if that happened , it's a deep seeded fear of mine though and I have prepared myself in case that would happen :(
Last nite I finally told MG what was really going on in my head when he was punishing me for breaking a rule or doing something he didn't approve of....and for the first time in our relationship I felt like there had been a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I finally told him how I felt. It's very hard for me to cry in front of MG , in fact when I feel the urge to cry I will barricade myself in our guest bedroom just so I can cry without him seeing it or hearing it, and when he comes into the room I automatically stop crying without even realizing that I do it. But MG told me that he had tested it and had realized it himself and he asked why I do that. I told him it's because I just can't cry in front of him due to my past and stuff, it's just a hard thing for me. I can't even cry when he spanks me and that is part of the reason why I am not getting what I need from them which is a release.
So we came up with a solution and the next time I get spanked for breaking a rule or disobeying then we are going to try it and see....MG thinks in time it will work but he warned me it's not going to be automatic which I am prepared for that. So we will see what happens with that. Something needs to give because I simply can't live like this much longer with the way I feel half the time. I work from home and I have a two hour break , and since working from home I have cried during that two hour break everyday now for two weeks :( Then my eating habits right now are horrible because I hardly eat anything , then there are times when I eat the wrong things, and then there are times when I don't eat at all for two and three days in a row during the week. I know this disappoints MG because he really wants to see me take care of myself, and this just makes me feel all the more worse that I am disappointing him :( I just wish sometimes he would stop talking and just bend me over and spank me for being such a brat!!!! Then maybe we would both feel alot better :)
Labels: Diet, emotional health, My Thoughts, sad, Weight loss
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Did you ever just want to have a good cry in bed after a spanking that you thought was not justified?? That is the question of the day!! I need some advice or comments on this one please.
Labels: crying, punishment, sore butt