Brat Out Of Control

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Spanking Always On My Mind!


The picture to the left has been me across the bed several times for a spanking , although the implement used isn't a prison strap like the one shown but MG has been known to use a regular strap on me from time to time. I haven't posted an entry in awhile because honestly I haven't really been able to come up with anything to write about , I guess kind of like writer's block. There hasn't been much going on in my spanking world lately , at least not anything important to write about. I guess I could write about the negative things going on in my life but I am sick of writing and talking about it so I will spare my readers that drama.
The only thing I seem to be thinking alot about lately is "Spanking".....it's on my mind 24/7 lately and no matter what I do to not think about it , it always comes to mind someway or another. The other nite after work I decided that I was going to watch some T.V. because MG was working late and I was all by myself , so I sit down and turn the T.V. on and there is an episode of "Little House On The Prairie" that is on , I used to watch that as a kid and I thought that watching it would bring back some good childhood memories. Well it was the episode where Laura Ingall's brother gets spanked ....I thought "Oh great , spanking even on Little House On The Prairie". And to think that I wanted to get my mind off of spanking and that was the reason for trying to watch a little T.V.
Don't get me wrong I love spanking , hence the reason why I am in a D/s relationship with a man that I dearly love and adore , but when your not getting enough of it , or enough consistency in the relationship then it becomes a very sore subject. In order to get through some of the depression I have due to the spanking problems I am having I try to fantasize about how I would like MG and I spanking relationship to be , and it works for a time but then I just end up getting upset because after all it's just fantasies. It's like I am searching for something but I don't know what or why? I know I have issues with needing , and wanting to be accepted by everyone , and if I get rejected then it just hurts to bad. I am always being told at how "strong" I am , but I don't feel strong at all. I have so many emotions going at once that I just never know when I am going to be happy, sad, mad, glad ect. Life just can't get any harder or more complicated or can it?

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posted by Michelle at 8:34 AM 4 comments

Friday, February 22, 2008

I don't know what to do anymore!!

In these past two years or so I have learned that life isn't easy, and it sure isn't fair :( Is is better to be sheltered, or is it better to experience life's hardships early so it won't be such a shock later? Honestly I am not sure of the answer. Lately I have been having a hard time with "life"...I am so sick of it's up's and down's.

What about happiness? Does everyone deserve happiness or is it only given to those who deserve it? It's been so long since I have been truly happy that I am not even sure what it feels like anymore. Are the choices you make in the past determine your happiness for the present or even future?

My past has a hold on me , and I am not sure how to let it go :( One day I am happy, and the next day I am sad. My moods are like riding a roller coaster , I just never know how I am going to feel from one minute to the next. I could wake up happy, and within hours be sad, upset, or mad. I just don't know what to do anymore :(

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posted by Michelle at 5:16 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Feeling Very Hurt/Broken Heart/Valentine's Day Sucks!!!




My day has not been good :( I am so depressed that I am just not sure if I am ever going to be "normal" again! So much has been going on with me for the past few weeks and I think that last nite was the nite that all of it just came to a head. I am just hurting so badly inside and I don't know how to handle it :(


Last nite MG and I got into a fight ....a major argument that turned into a major disaster! I want to be like I used to be ....and that was the submissive who just kept her mouth shut , her feelings inside, and her needs put aside. It may not be the right way but it works for me! MG says I only think of myself and it's all about me :( I never saw myself as being like that and I never thought I would ever be accused of that either.....it just hurts coming from him :(


He said alot last nite that hurt me and it's still effecting me today. He accused me of not loving him which really upset me because it's so far from the truth. And maybe if I was more emotionally stable I would be able to take that alot better but right now it's to hard to take. His words just keep playing over and over in my head :(


All of this stems from our D/s ....he expects me to be able to go without spanking for days, and days and I say I can't and I won't because it's part of what I need. We both see it very differently. But what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to say ..."Ok I will forget about my needs and just concentrate on his and his only." He wants to work on the D/s in the relationship and I agreed that we need to work on it , but the question is is he willing to work on it?


Tomorrow is Valentine's Day which really sucks ...I hate Valentine's Day! I mean why in the world do we celebrate love ? Of what I have found out love just hurts to much :( Right now I am not feeling loved at all by anyone ....I just feel alone ...afraid ...sad :(

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posted by Michelle at 8:43 AM 5 comments

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Just Feeling Emotional


Well sometimes I wonder if I am really that "good" girl because inside the "brat" just wants to come out and it's very hard to explain why. I don't understand why I feel that way but there are alot of times when I have felt that way , and it's absolutley heart wrenching to go through it.
Lately I have been feeling very "lonely" inside and it's been hard dealing with it. For the past few weeks I have been crying while I am driving home from work , and it's not like it's even planned , I will be just driving and thinking about things and then all of a sudden the tears start to flow and before I know it I am a mess.
One thing that I have a very hard time with is skipping one nite without getting a spanking of some sort, whether it be discipline or fun spanking, I want spanked and if I don't get it then I am a complete mess. MG usually has no problem spanking me on a nightly basis but I sometimes feel guilty for asking for a spanking every nite.
This past weekend I really "tested" MG with acting out, and acting like the "brat" that I can be sometimes and he came through each time , spanking me and teaching me that I can't and won't act that way. I am glad that he came through and just didn't ignore me , but at the same time I feel terrible afterwards because of how I am. I don't want to be this person but yet I can't get away from her :( MG is always there for me , hugging me, and telling me everything is going to be alright and that always makes me feel better because then I know I am not in this alone , and that he is there for me!
D/s , and spanking has really played with my mind alot, it's definantly something that can do that and if your not a strong enough person to deal with it then it can really destroy you if you allow it too. I know my past has alot to do with how I feel now about D/s and spanking and MG has said that I will get better but it's going to take some time for me to heal but in the end I will be ok , and those are the words that I hold on to in order to get through this tough time in my life!

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posted by Michelle at 8:42 PM 2 comments

Friday, February 01, 2008

Second Punishment Spanking Update

Well I promised everyone an update to what happend on my second punishment spanking the other nite as part of a punishment I earned for direct disobedience, turning my cell phone off, and bad language. Well I did the written assighment that MG required me to do, and the subject was "Reasons why I should obey MG". I love writing and in fact I am pretty good at it but this essay was hard to do but I did it because I knew if I didn't then the second spanking would just be worse than the first and I was very sore already and I didn't want to go through that.

So I got the essay done, and I think overall it turned out well. MG liked it and approved it and I was very happy about that but this still didn't ease my mind about the spanking to come that nite because I wasn't sure what I was in for. Beforehand I asked him if he could please go easy on me because I was very sore from the spanking the nite before and he just said "You should have thought about that before your disobeyed my instructions", so I was like "great he isn't going to go easy". I was actually very nervous which is so unlike me because I LOVE getting SPANKED , but the spanking he gave me the other nite was very different than from anything he has given me so I was actually a little scared, and I had a little fear of it. After we had dinner, watched some T.V. and spent some quality time togather , bedtime just came to fast! I went upstairs first to go to the bathroom , brush my teeth, and prepare myself for whatever I was in for.

As I came out of the bathroom there were the implements on the bed, in thier usual place when we play whether it be for "fun" or "punishment". He told me to take my pajama pants off and stand at the end of the bed with my hands on my head. He asked me what I was punished for the nite before , so I answered him but I was thinking I already know this so why ask me but I didn't say that LOL. Then he told me to put me hands on the bed and bend over and I did as I was told and he pulled my panties down and I was like "Oh great he isn't going to start over my panties". He started to spank me with his hand, and asking me if I was going to obey, and if I was going to leave my cell phone on so he can get a hold of me when needed, and asked me if I was going to stop using bad language, and of course my answers were "Yes Sir" to each question because I knew better than to say anything but. Usually his hand doesn't hurt me much with spanking but this time around it did because I was so sore from the spanking the nite before , so with every blow I was like "ouch" in my head . After about 3 minutes of that he told me to stand up , and give him a hug. I couldn't believe it , it was over. I was really shocked because I thought that I was going to get it like the nite before so he really surprised me but at the same time I was very thankful that he decided to have mercy on me and my poor butt :)

I hugged him with tears in my eyes because I was very thankful that I didn't have to endure anymore pain on an already sore butt. We went to bed, and in bed I told him "Thankyou for not spanking me hard", and he said "Thank you for doing your essay as told", then he told me that discipline is about changing one's before, not about hurting her and when he said that I then understood what "Normal" D/s and DD is all about. I can tell you that I won't be turning off my cell phone on him nor will I be using bad language because I really don't want to go through that again but at least I now know that if I need it he will give it to me :) It has really helped me with feeling ok about myself, and I am sure I will make some stupid mistake again to where I will earn more punishment spankings but at least I know that MG is going to be fair about it and that I like :)

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posted by Michelle at 11:10 AM 1 comments