Brat Out Of Control
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
My Brat Attitude & How It Was Adjusted
The picture on the left is how my butt looked after last nite's spanking and I tell you what I didn't think I was going to make it through , and that is unusual of me to even say that. I have always been pretty good with holding still during a spanking , and I have always been able to take a great amount of pain but since being with MG that has slowly started to change, and I am not sure if it's a good change or a bad one , haven't yet decided that one yet. I have always liked the fact that I can take a pretty hard spanking without as much as shedding any tears but lately that has changed a whole lot.
Last nite I was punished because I had directly disobeyed MG's instructions about leaving my cell phone turned on. A few days ago we had gotten into a fight and it was basically about him not calling me the other morning before he went to work and I had felt that I was just not important enough to him. I tend to take things way out of porportion and blow them up into this big huge argument , and then I will cry for days over it , it's just something that I have been conditioned to and I can't seem to change the behavior. Well MG was determined to change it for me. When I had gotten home that niteI was so pissed off at him that I decided I was going to lock myself in the bedroom and lay in bed and cry. Well I took a shower to relax a little, and hopped into bed and started to cry because I was so hurt over MG and I argument that I couldn't just let it go.
MG decided enough was enough and he somehow jimmied the lock on our bedroom door and told me that I was being a "brat" about this issue and that he was sick of it. I gave him the attitude of "whatever" and he told me to turn over on my tummy and I simply told him no. He forced me to turn over on my tummy , pinned me down and started to spank me with the bath brush that he had in his hand. I was soooooo angry that I started to scream telling him to stop , and that he was hurting me but he just kept spanking. I just couldn't believe that he was spanking me for being "upset" at him, I just didn't get it :( I was trying to get out from under his hold on me but it wasn't working , and all of a sudden he ripped my pajama pants and panties down in one swipe and started to spank me on the bare with that nasty bath brush (which hurts like hell).
After he spanked me I just stayed face down in my pillow and was crying hard into the pillow as he was telling me how much he loved me, and that I was important to him , and how I was taking all of this way out of porportion ect. ect. Frankly I didn't care what he had to say because I was just so upset , my butt stung , and I just wanted him to leave me alone. He finally left the room where I was left to cry myself to sleep. That was the first spanking I got a few days ago , and it was basically for acting like a brat, and for turning my cell phone off all day long and he couldn't get a hold of me which apparently upset him. Well the spanking didn't work, all it did was make me madder and the next day I decided to leave my cell phone off and ignore him all day , which I did.
Well when I got home last nite he was not happy with me at all , but I just didn't care because I was still very mad at him , and when I am mad I get very stubborn. I walked into the house, and directly up the stairs to go and lay down because I had a headache, and he followed me so I decided to head to the bathroom and lock myself in there to use the restroom, and get a couple tylenol for my headache. When I came out of the bathroom on the bed were his implements and that is when I knew I was getting it. I just ignored the fact that the implements were on the bed and I laid down on my side of the bed and here comes MG on my side to talk to me , but it wasn't about anything I had done , he was just chit chatting with me which was different because he had never done that before. I thought ok , maybe he is trying to see how my day went before he beats me.
Then in the conversation I told him that I had to go and get insurance on my car and since I got off work early I had to get it done today before they closed, so he said ok , and that he would come with me but then he added , " Your spanking can wait until tonite". So I wasn't out of the woods , I just happened to stall it some because of the fact I had to get car insurance on my car. We went and got the insurance, and went out to a nice mexican resturant for dinner , and then came home and visited and spent some time togather. Then it was bedtime but I knew it was spanking time first. I proceeded to go upstairs, go to the restroom and when I came out of the bathroom there were the implements on the bed again and this time my stomach did a flip flop with butterfly flutters. I was a little nervous but not to much because lately the discipline spankings have been nothing I couldn't handle and in fact his discipline spankings are easy.
He instructed me to take off my pants and come to the end of the bed and put my hands on my head, which I did without hesitation. Then he asks me "Why are you being punished?", and I said "I don't know" , then he says , "Do you want to try and come up with an answer?" So I said "I guess because I shut my cell phone off and ignored you , and for bad language" He says "And also for direct disobedience". So after we established why I was being punished , the spanking began and at first I thought "This is nothing" , but then it just kept getting worse , and worse and he wasn't letting up. The one thing about MG is he uses a variety of implements to vary the sensations up which makes it hurt the whole way through the spanking , he rarely ever just uses one implement for a complete spanking and that is because the spankee gets used to one implement to where the butt goes numb eventually , but with a variety of spanking implements the sensations are varied , and the spanking never seems to end.
The spanking did eventually end but not before I was in tears, and very upset. During the spanking he told me that he had an assignment for me that would be due today at 9:00 p.m and he expected it written out and emailed to him. Today I have started on the essay but I am not done with it , but I will get it done and turned in on time because I don't want the second spanking tonite to be worse than last nite. He extended the spanking from last nite to another spanking tonite to complete my punishment , but the severity of the spanking tonite will depend on how well I did the essay, and if I kept my phone on today, and answered all his calls. I am really sore today so I am not sure how I am going to be able to take another spanking so we will see how it goes tonite.
I have to say that my "attitude" today has changed from the past few days so I think that the spanking he gave me is what I needed to get my "attitude" to change , and I did deserve the spanking. My cell phone has stayed on all day , and I have answered every call from MG today ....I would be stupid to not do either of those things since I know there is another spanking coming tonite. Sometimes I think this is what I need when I get in those type of moods , because it's such a habit that I sometimes don't even realize how it has spiraled out of control. But all is well with this Brat again :) I will update about how the second spanking went!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Bad day!!!
Today was not a good day at all for me. I had a terrible day at work , and then to top it all off MG pissed me off! So what do I do in return? I basically hang up on him and turn my cell phone off for the day because I am that upset at him and I am really not sure how long it's going to take me to get over it!
Maybe if he would learn to be consistent with me and spank me for episodes like this more often then I wouldn't do it BUT no such luck!! I am trying very hard to be more submissive but what if you don't feel submissive because the Dom isn't doing his job? Then what?
I just don't feel important to him and it hurts me to think that I am last on his list. Tonite I was talking to a Dom friend of mine online and I told him what happened so I could ask for his opinion to see if I am the one doing something wrong because I am just very confused at this point and I don't know what to think. He told me the same thing that MG tells me all the time when a fight like this comes about ...."That it's not all about me because he has important things going on in his life". Well I guess it's not about me at all since he chooses to put me last on his list of important things to do :(
I just feel like he doesn't understand or validate my feelings at all , and it really bothers me that he is like that. It's very hard for me to handle all of these emotions that I am going through , and I really am not sure how to handle them at all. I cry alot because it's the only way I know how to deal with it. I keep myself busy with my work during the week , and on the weekends in order not to think about my life much , my job makes me the happiest right now and I find joy in that which I am thankful for because it's the only thing that is saving me right now. But right now those are the two things that I find comfort in ...crying, and my job.
Labels: crying, erotic spanking, hurt feelings, lonely, no validation, unimportant
Friday, January 25, 2008
The Paddling
There are so many emotions that I am feeling today that it's hard to even concentrate on working :( Today has not been a good day and it's not even noon yet but my bad nite has turned into a bad day and I am not even sure how to handle it emotionally! I have thought about "eating" the pain away but I am not even hungry :( Last nite I went home after work and MG greeted me like he always does on Thursday nites ...I was happy to see him because we both work so much that it's a nice treat to be able to spend nites with him when we can. Of course I start acting out and acting like a brat which resulted in me getting a paddling and that resulted in me being very upset at MG :(
After the paddling I was physically hurting, and emotionally hurting so I decided it was time to withdraw and spend the rest of the evening alone and in bed. All I could do was cry most of the nite , and that is all I have been doing this morning too , is crying! I don't feel well , my whole body is aching something fierce, and emotionally I am not well :( I just feel all alone in this and that is a scary feeling!
Labels: emotional health, lonely, paddling, scared
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Being good can feel so bad :)
I have been itching to just be "bad" for once , well not for once because I have a "bad" side to me lol , but for the most part I am a good girl , even MG says that , which I am not sure if that is a compliment or not :( Sometimes when MG says things like that I feel that he might just find someone else that is more of what he wants :( It's like I have to keep on proving to him that I can be it all ....that I can be submissive, a brat, a good girl ect. ect. I guess it's because I am not comfortable with myself and my self-esteem and confidence levels are just not like they used to be therefore I battle this on a daily basis and it is frustrating and sometimes torture :(
Last nite MG and I had an ok nite , although I was so tired that all I wanted to do was go to bed , and he was tired too ....our nites after work are just not "quality" because we are both so tired from working and all we want to do is go to bed and then the next day we do it all over again ....I wish I could win the state lottery and then all of our problems would be solved , well our money problems would be but I am sure more problems would come up with winning lots of money! Our weekends are much more "quality" time and every other week we both have a three day weekend so that is very nice, and this weekend happens to be a three day weekend for us both and I am so looking forward to it :)
Last nite we did play before bedtime , which we always seem to find the energy for it , although last nite I was pretty tired and I asked for a playful , light spanking which MG obliged and it was fun and very relaxing before bedtime :) I got a light spanking which felt very nice , and then a full body massage followed which was very heavenly ....it was a complete turn on :) Then I had some pretty nice dreams and I woke up in a rather good mood :) Life is just so much more happier with spanking and D/s in it :)
Labels: bratting, good girl, play spanking
Monday, January 07, 2008
Just Being A Brat!!
I am so upset right now that I just want to "BRAT" , yeah I know it's not becoming of me but ask me if I care? I really think that I sometimes have a "curse" because I enjoy this lifestyle way to much and it's sooooo frustrating when my needs are not being met like I want them to be. I love MG but I sometimes wonder how much he loves me , and I end up crying when I think this way to much but he gives me so many mixed signals that I sometimes have a hard time figuring them out.
There was a time in our relationship where I couldn't even "communicate" with him about what I needed, or wanted as far as our spanking relationship goes. Now that I have mastered my lack of communication with him it just doesn't seem that it really matters to him of what I want because he tells me what he doesn't want to do and that is that :( I can't explain why I want him to spank me hard but I do , and when he says he doesn't want to do that then I take that as rejection and I get mad as hell .....but instead of screaming, and yelling at him I internalize my anger and it's bad when I do that.
Last nite he didn't want to play heavy , and I was like in my "Fine, whatever" attitude and I acted as if it didn't bother me , BUT it did bother me and boy did it bother me bad. I felt rejected , and I mean I really felt very rejected :( I didn't say anything, instead I just internalized it and thought "I will show him" Well after all that we head off to bed and we usually have our play time right before bed .....he knew I wanted to play and just because he said he didn't want to play hard didn't discourage me from wanting to play ....OH NO ...I wanted to play and make him mad for once , and that was my whole goal because I was that pissed off!!!
During our "play" I decided to block all the pain out , which I am very good at I might add. I blocked out the pain and the spanking he gave me didn't phase me one fucking bit and that is what I meant to do. I didn't want him getting "any" type of satisfaction out of spanking me especially since he didn't want to spank me hard. I thought to myself "Why should he get all the fun , especially if I don't get a thing out of it". The one thing that I know that bothers any "Dom" is when he feels like he isn't in control , he doesn't like it. And I felt that if I just blocked the pain out , didn't show him any sign that I was in pain or uncomfortable then he would feel like he wasn't in control!!
I am just sooo tired of him treating me as if I don't have one ounce of experience in this lifestyle, and I am really tired of him always worrying about how heavy we play .....it just irks me to no end! He is so worried about hurting me physically that he doesn't even realize how much he hurts me emotionally :( But right now I am feeling really rejected, neglected, hurt and sad. There is so much more to D/s & DD that we are not experiencing togather as a couple and I just think that he prefers to leave it at that :(
Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, emotional health, feelings, hurt feelings, My Thoughts, neglected, sad, spanking, Spanking Related
Sunday, January 06, 2008
A New Year & A New Me!!
Well it's already the New Year ....I can't believe how quickly 2007 came and went! I am sorry that this entry is late but Happy New Year to all of my faithful readers :) I have gotten off to a great start this New Year and have decided that this is going to be the year that I put a huge dent into my weight loss efforts. Last year (2007) at this time I had made a New Year's resolution to lose weight and get healthy and although I did keep that New Year's resolution I didn't get all of the weight off!! I did lose 55 lbs and I managed to keep most of it off so I am proud of myself for that :) But this year is the year that I have decided to totally dedicate myself to losing at least 100 lbs ...which is a pretty big goal but I know I can do it :) I have alot of weight to lose , and I know it's not going to come off instantly since it took alot to put this much weight on! I am very ashamed that I have even put this much weight on :( But the first key to success is to admit that you have a problem , and believe me it's very hard to admit that I have a huge problem! New Year's Day is when I started my "lifestyle" change , I don't like to call it a "diet" because a "diet" is something you go on temporairly , this change for me is going to be a "lifestyle" change meaning it's something I am committed to doing for myself for life :)
10 Reasons Why I Want To Get Skinny Again:
1. So I can know what it feels like to go up and down stairs without getting out of breath.
2. So I can know what it feels like to be in a room full of people and know the reason why they are staring is because I am beautiful and not because I am fat.
3. So I can know what it feels like to be able to put on a pair of jeans without feeling self-concious of how I look in them.
4. So I can know what it feels like to be able to cross my legs while sitting down.
5. So I can know what it feels like to be put OTK for a spanking.
6. So I can know what it feels like to be whistled at on the streets , instead of stared at in horror.
7. So I can know what it feels like to have MG stare at me in awe , instead of in disgust.
8. So I can know what it feels like to have MG proud of me.
9. So I can know what it feels like to have MG say he is "physically attracted" to me.
10. So I can know what it feels like to actually "live".
Labels: Diet, Health, New Year Resolutions, Weight loss