Brat Out Of Control
Monday, December 31, 2007
Why do I like getting spanked so much??
The question I have had on my mind is "Why do I like getting spanked so much"? When I was a kid I used to fantasize about "getting"spanked all the time and at that time I thought I had to be nuts, what kid enjoys spanking? Not to many that I know of! As I got older I realized that this was a fetish that was not going to go away so I learned how to deal with it. I wrestled with thoughts of DD and D/s for a very long time with questions racing in my head of "Is it wrong"?, "Am I looney tunes"? and the famous one "What is wrong with me to feel this way"?
I grew up in a traditional household where my parents believed in discipline, and spanking of children and when I was a "Brat" I did get spanked , and quite alot I might add :) When I was a younger child (ages 2-11) I hated getting spanked but as soon as I hit puberty things changed. Not only did I enjoy spanking but I would misbehave on purpose from puberty through my teens just so I could get it! Of course my dad caught on to this early on and he got very "creative" with his punishments and spanking was only used on me for severe misbehavior.
Then I met and married my now ex-husband who was a definant "spanko", and we practiced DD in the marriage for 9 years but it soon turned abusive and I finally came to my senses and got out of that. There are alot of reasons why I allowed him to abuse me for such a long time and I am now finally coming to terms with those reasons , before I just denied that he was abusing me and I just thought I deserved whatever he dished out. I thought it was normal, a part of our DD relationship and I never dared question him on it.
Then I met MG .....:) He is a spanko and he has shown me what a real DD, D/s relationship is supposed to be like , it's actually normal and I like that :) I did have a hard time adjusting to certain things in the relationship but I think I am going to be ok, it's a slow healing process and I have alot of relearning to do, but MG was right , it's doable! But there are times when I do question myself on "Why do I need to be spanked"? I am a mature woman of 34 years so why? In conclusion I have realized that it's what I need to complete me , it's what I need to stay on the right path , it's what I need for direction, and motivation on alot of things in my life. Of course I love the erotic play spankings that I get for being "good" , so I try not to Brat to often :)
Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, erotic spanking, fantasy, feelings, My Thoughts, Spanking Related
Friday, December 28, 2007
Nothing hurts more than the one you love the most doesn't believe that you do! The only thing I have ever wanted in life is to be loved. It's something so simple , something that everyone deserves, at least I used to think that I deserved to be loved , but maybe not :(
I am not perfect , by no means am I even near perfect but who is ? I have made my share of mistakes in life and I have paid dearly for the mistakes I have made but I also feel that I have learned from most of those mistakes and that is what counts , doesn't it? I just don't know how to feel anymore!! My emotions are so out of control half the time it's like I am on a constant roller coaster of emotions. One minute I am happy, the next minute sad, or the next minute angry!
Labels: emotional health, feelings, hurt feelings, lonely, My Thoughts, neglected, sad
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Crying, dealing with it, getting over it , until next time!
Tonite I feel very sad :( I just feel that I am never good enough when it comes to making anyone in my life happy! I hate feeling this way! I find that no matter what I do I can never make anyone happy enough with me. Tonite I find myself alone , confused, frustrated, and angry all at the same time. Alone because MG decided to leave the house for a few hours , leaving me wonder if it's because of me he does this or if it's just my imagination running wild. Confused and frustrated because I can't figure him out sometimes, and angry because he is always needing to "get away" from me I suppose :( I guess I am more hurt than angry but it makes me wonder what I am doing wrong.
I know he needs his alone time or guy time or whatever it is , but must it always be when I am home? We have so little time to spend as it is and I don't have to "get away" from him ....on the contrary I am always finding ways to spend time with him. I guess alot of this stems from my past and he is always telling me not to compare him to my ex or to drag my past into our relationship yet he is always doing something soooo damn similiar to my ex that it is very hard not to drag my past into it.
I can say all of this until I am blue in the face, it's not going to change anything and in the end I will have to cry , deal with it, and get over it , until next time that is :( And he fucking wonders why I am a brat!!
Labels: D/s relationships, feelings, hurt feelings, lonely, My Past, My Thoughts, neglected, sad
Monday, December 24, 2007
Merry Christmas & Happy Spankings :)
I just wanted to wish all of my readers and friends a very Merry Christmas and Happy Spankings to all :) I am sorry that I have not yet done this but it's been a busy time of year for me!! Tonite MG and I are spending a well deserved evening at home this Christmas eve :) We just didn't want to go out tonite because we both had to work today and we just figured it would be easier to stay home, grill some steaks on the grill , watch some christmas movies on T.V. and end the nite with some very Merry Spankings :) I hope everyone has a nice Christmas Eve , and a Very Merry Christmas!!!!!!
Labels: Christmas, erotic spanking, spanking, Spanking Related
Sunday, December 23, 2007
A sore bottom gives one to think about some things!
The question on my mind tonite is do the after effects of a spanking play an important role? I know it may be different for everyone but does one have to have a sore bottom for days after the spanking in order for them not to repeat the behavior that got them spanked in the first place? Or is the pain of the spanking itself enough? Some need to actually have lasting marks that they can see for days in order for them to truly feel punished, others need to feel a sore bottom way after the spanking has been done in order to feel a certain way! It varies for me and all depends on what type of mood I am in that gets me spanked in the first place. Certain things have to take place in order for me to feel loved by MG, and also to feel punished by him, if those certain things don't take place then I feel cheated!
If I am being spanked for a specific rule broken and I know that I am in the wrong then I will want MG to spank me for it so I can get the "guilty" feeling released because I know I have disappointed him and that is the worst feeling in the world to me :( Usually I don't have to have a very hard spanking for rules of the house broken because usually MG reminding me of something not done , or something done that was not supposed to be done makes me feel guilty , and usually a light correction and spanking is enough for me to not do it again but there are times when I can get stubborn as he well knows :)
Those times when I can get very stubborn are the times when he needs to be more strict with me and he may have to spank me hard until I get over the stubborness streak, essentially he has to "break" me during those stubborn stages that I can and have gone through with him. If he lets it go , or doesn't spank me hard enough then I feel he is giving up on me and I don't like that and it only makes me all the more stubborn and angry! There have been occasions where I have needed to feel sore for a few days in order for me to benefit from the spanking to where I actually learned from it.
So with me it all depends on the circumstances, and what I did to get the spanking in the first place. Last nite was a very good example of my stubborn streak and I got what I deserved and what was needed although at the time I didn't think so. I was very angry towards MG for a conversation we had earlier that nite so I decided to go upstairs and slam the bedroom door as hard as I could , which is a NO NO in this house, and I knew it was but I didn't care and I wasn't thinking of the consequences either.
I went into the bathroom and locked the door so I could have some alone time and take a long , hot shower and here comes MG knocking on the door telling me to open up and of course I told him to leave me the hell alone and then I heard nothing so I thought I was off the hook and I contiuned to shower. I got done and out of the shower, dried off, put my pajama top and bottoms on and I walked out of the bathroom into the master bedroom and there I saw MG standing and the implements on the bed so I knew I was in trouble but I still insisted to be left alone. He told me to go to a corner , so I did , but I was so angry at him that I started to cry, which is unusual for me to do at all!
I just couldn't believe that he was about to punish me for something as silly as slamming a door and that is how I feel about it. I stood there for a good fifteen minutes and then he told me to turn around and starting asking me to talk to him about why I was so angry, I refused and told him I didn't want to talk to him (I was excercising my fifth amedmant rights) so he told me to bend over the bed and I did but I was mad so I slammed his briefcase of implements that was on the bed shut , which made him mad and he started spanking me very hard with the bath brush! He did this over my pajama bottoms and panties , but anyone who has been spanked with a bath brush knows that even with pants and panties on it doesn't matter, you can still feel the sting and thud of that implement.
He started telling me that I am not to slam doors in the house and asked if I understood , and although I did , I didn't give him the satisfaction and just stayed silent with tears flowing down my face, so he kept spanking me until I finally broke after about fifteen minutes of hard spanking! But that is what it took to get me to comply ....and when I am stubborn that is what it takes to get me back to the submissive role. In my last relationship I was so afraid of my ex that I just complied out of fear, and it was easy ....but in this relationship with MG it's a little different , I don't have that same amount of fear that I did before therefore I find myself struggling with being "submissive" with him. It's a daily struggle but I am trying hard to change all of that!
Labels: bratting, breaking rules, D/s relationships, feelings, My Past, My Thoughts, sad, spanking, Spanking Related
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
My Feelings & Pride Is Hurt The Most :(
Last nite MG made me mad , well what's new :( It's not even his fault , I blame myself but most of all I blame my ex-husband because before I was married to him I was not this way! I am trying really hard to let go of my past but it's real hard when it keeps on haunting you everyday! MG uses this tone of voice with me when he is serious or needs to get his point across and everytime he does it I get angry towards him , and I mean so angry that I stop talking to him, withdraw, and pout! My feelings get hurt so easily by him and I don't know what to do or even how to deal with it when it happens :(
Well last nite he didn't appreciate the way I treated him with the silent treatment and attitude so he spanked me for it , which was fine by me because all I wanted was to be able to get past it and usually him spanking me for something I feel guilty about helps me and I know I am forgiven in the end. Well I am stubborn and a couple of times I got out of position and put my hands behind to guard my butt and the strap thingy he was using hit my fingers to my left hand and it hurt like hell! I couldn't feel my fingers, there was pain and then this numbness feeling! He had kept warning me to keep my hands on the bed so it's not even his fault but I am still mad at him for it.
I am not even mad at him for him hitting my hand because it was my fault for putting them behind me to try to guard my butt, but my pride and feelings are hurt more by the comment he made to me after it happened. He had said that maybe he should spank my hands because that seemed to give him more results than spanking my butt! Now granted I can take alot when it comes to spanking and that is because I have had some pretty hard spankings in the past but I thought he was being insensitive to even suggest that he should be spanking my hands just so he can cause me more significant pain since he doesn't think that spanking my butt causes enough pain :(
I agree that I deserved the spanking but the comment he made was not fair or right as far as I am concerned, and the only reason why I had an attitude during the whole spanking is because he pissed me off and it hurt my feelings and pride , and when that gets hurt then I am very stubborn. I was ready and sorry within several minutes of the whole punishment but I was so angry with him that I just remained stubborn for a good 15 minutes longer resulting in a much harder spanking, so now not only are my feelings and pride hurting but so is my butt!!
I am so tired of always feeling sorry for myself but the reason why I do it is because I have never had anyone ever feel one ounce of sorry for me , so in order to comfort myself I would always put this front up and feel sorry for me, it's all I had when I was with my ex in order to cope and I think it's how I cope now as well! Now I really wish I would have just not been so stubborn and just complied with MG so I could have had an easier spanking because the pain I am in today just wasn't worth it!
I hate myself when I do this to myself, and to us and our relationship :(
Well last nite he didn't appreciate the way I treated him with the silent treatment and attitude so he spanked me for it , which was fine by me because all I wanted was to be able to get past it and usually him spanking me for something I feel guilty about helps me and I know I am forgiven in the end. Well I am stubborn and a couple of times I got out of position and put my hands behind to guard my butt and the strap thingy he was using hit my fingers to my left hand and it hurt like hell! I couldn't feel my fingers, there was pain and then this numbness feeling! He had kept warning me to keep my hands on the bed so it's not even his fault but I am still mad at him for it.
I am not even mad at him for him hitting my hand because it was my fault for putting them behind me to try to guard my butt, but my pride and feelings are hurt more by the comment he made to me after it happened. He had said that maybe he should spank my hands because that seemed to give him more results than spanking my butt! Now granted I can take alot when it comes to spanking and that is because I have had some pretty hard spankings in the past but I thought he was being insensitive to even suggest that he should be spanking my hands just so he can cause me more significant pain since he doesn't think that spanking my butt causes enough pain :(
I agree that I deserved the spanking but the comment he made was not fair or right as far as I am concerned, and the only reason why I had an attitude during the whole spanking is because he pissed me off and it hurt my feelings and pride , and when that gets hurt then I am very stubborn. I was ready and sorry within several minutes of the whole punishment but I was so angry with him that I just remained stubborn for a good 15 minutes longer resulting in a much harder spanking, so now not only are my feelings and pride hurting but so is my butt!!
I am so tired of always feeling sorry for myself but the reason why I do it is because I have never had anyone ever feel one ounce of sorry for me , so in order to comfort myself I would always put this front up and feel sorry for me, it's all I had when I was with my ex in order to cope and I think it's how I cope now as well! Now I really wish I would have just not been so stubborn and just complied with MG so I could have had an easier spanking because the pain I am in today just wasn't worth it!
I hate myself when I do this to myself, and to us and our relationship :(
Labels: D/s relationships, emotional health, feelings, hurt feelings, hurt pride, My Past, My Thoughts, sad
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Random Thoughts
Thoughts of spanking are on my mind alot , maybe to much in other's opinions. It seems the older I get the more I think about it , and here I thought it would be just the opposite, I thought the older I got then the less I would think on it or about it but it seems like everything I fantasize about all involve spanking , or D/s of some sort, is this normal? Maybe for a guy it is but I didn't think it was normal for a woman. It does concern me a whole lot :(
Even now at the age of 34 I find it hard to accept who I am and who I have become. Most people at my age have accomplished many things, I have accomplished nothing and that bothers me as well. A good friend of mine from highschool called me today and she is doing so well for herself. She is happily married with 2 children , has her Masters degree in education , and is at a job she loves. As she was telling me what was going on in her life I found myself to be somewhat jealous, but jealous of what I asked myself later on after thinking on it.
When she asked what was going on in my life I was almost embarrassed to tell her that I am divorced, no children, no degree, and in a dead end job :( I have nothing in my life to be proud of myself for, and that is the sad reality!
Even now at the age of 34 I find it hard to accept who I am and who I have become. Most people at my age have accomplished many things, I have accomplished nothing and that bothers me as well. A good friend of mine from highschool called me today and she is doing so well for herself. She is happily married with 2 children , has her Masters degree in education , and is at a job she loves. As she was telling me what was going on in her life I found myself to be somewhat jealous, but jealous of what I asked myself later on after thinking on it.
When she asked what was going on in my life I was almost embarrassed to tell her that I am divorced, no children, no degree, and in a dead end job :( I have nothing in my life to be proud of myself for, and that is the sad reality!
Labels: D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Severe Caning vs. Erotic Caning
I have been thinking about "caning" and how it can be used sensually but also can be used severley. It's been awhile since I have been caned but of what I remember of it I don't like it at all! I have been in the spanking scene for quite some time now and I guess I can say that I have experience :) But in all the years I have been in a D/s or DD relationship I have hated the cane, it is one of my most feared implements.
The one thing that my Dom could say to me if I was being a "brat" is
"I will bring out the cane", and that would be it for me , I would behave in a nanosecond :) As much as I fear the cane I love it when it's used in an erotic manner :) It's funny how one implement can bring so much pain yet bring so much pleasure as well. I was caned one time in an erotic manner a few years back by a dear friend of mine and I tell you what I never thought it would have been possible with a cane.
Hmmm I haven't had an erotic caning in awhile so that is something I might just have to ask for from MG :) Hint Hint sweetie :) LOL
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Feeling Guilty :(
I am really mad at myself tonite and I feel so guilty :( I am so off track on my dieting that it has caused me to gain 14 lbs. which doesn't make me feel good at all. MG and I have come up with a plan that we both agree on but since we are going out of town this weekend we aren't going to start it until after we get back on Sunday, I am just not sure how well I am going to hold up until then. I feel like such a failure when it comes to this dieting stuff , I do so well for weeks and weeks and then BAM I get off track one day and that's it , I am doomed and it is so hard to get back on it. The only thing I can hear in my head is my ex-husband saying how much of a failure I am , and how I can't keep the weight off, it's like he still haunts me :(
MG is so supportive of me in this weight loss journey and I am thankful for that but I finally got the nerve to ask him to help me since getting off track and he ended up agreeing with the plan that I came up with so I was happy about that, at least we agree on it , it's a good first move! We are going to implement D/s into the plan which I think will be very helpful to me, although he was kind of hesitant about it actually working he did say that he would try it but I think that it will work but it's going to take work on both our parts for it to be successful!
Tonite I kind of went off on MG and I feel really bad about it because I promised myself I wouldn't do that , I even used some bad language in the sentences when I was telling him how I felt and he doesn't like when I use that type of language so I am surprised he didn't correct me , but he hardly ever corrects me so I guess I am not surprised. He is so inconsistent with things like that and that is what frustrates the heck out of me sometimes. One minute he is "Super Dom" and he is correcting me for every little thing but the very next day I can do the same exact thing that got me corrected the day before and he doesn't say a thing or do a thing for that matter! I don't get it! It's just very frustrating to this "Brat" :(
I have been contemplating if I should ask MG to spank me tonite for the way I went off on him on the phone tonite and for the bad language used, it sure would help me to feel better but not so sure that he won't see that as "topping from the bottom" so that is why I hesitate asking. It's like I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don't :(
MG is so supportive of me in this weight loss journey and I am thankful for that but I finally got the nerve to ask him to help me since getting off track and he ended up agreeing with the plan that I came up with so I was happy about that, at least we agree on it , it's a good first move! We are going to implement D/s into the plan which I think will be very helpful to me, although he was kind of hesitant about it actually working he did say that he would try it but I think that it will work but it's going to take work on both our parts for it to be successful!
Tonite I kind of went off on MG and I feel really bad about it because I promised myself I wouldn't do that , I even used some bad language in the sentences when I was telling him how I felt and he doesn't like when I use that type of language so I am surprised he didn't correct me , but he hardly ever corrects me so I guess I am not surprised. He is so inconsistent with things like that and that is what frustrates the heck out of me sometimes. One minute he is "Super Dom" and he is correcting me for every little thing but the very next day I can do the same exact thing that got me corrected the day before and he doesn't say a thing or do a thing for that matter! I don't get it! It's just very frustrating to this "Brat" :(
I have been contemplating if I should ask MG to spank me tonite for the way I went off on him on the phone tonite and for the bad language used, it sure would help me to feel better but not so sure that he won't see that as "topping from the bottom" so that is why I hesitate asking. It's like I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don't :(
Labels: D/s relationships, Diet, emotional health, My Thoughts, sad, spanking, Spanking Related, topping from the bottom
Monday, December 03, 2007
Awesome Weekend & D/s Plan For My Health & Diet!!
This past weekend was good. MG and I got to spend it togather which made me the happiest "brat" alive LOL. The weekend before we didn't get to spend it togather because he had to work and he works long hours , so it's not like where he comes home frome a 9 to 5 job and he is done, he works 12 hour shifts therefore it's an all day thing and by the time he comes home he is very tired so we don't get much time during the week when we are both working so the weekends are where we spend our time togather , so it was nice to finally have a weekend off togather :)
Friday nite I asked for an erotic spanking , which by the way is getting easier to ask him for those good girl spankings, before I had a very hard time asking for them and that was because I felt I didn't deserve that type of pleasure but the more time that passes the easier it is for me to ask for those types of spankings :) He gave me the absolute BEST erotic spanking in the whole wide world ....they are better than SEX as far as I am concerned :) It was very good and it helped to melt away the stress of the week and helped me to relax and enjoy myself!
Then Saturday we got up early because we had to go Christmas Tree hunting which was no fun LOL , and that was because we couldn't find a decent tree that was worth the money therefore we decided on this cute table top artificial tree that has fiber optic lights on it and it's very cute so I was happy with our decision although MG didn't seem to care one way or another. We ended up buying these cute miniature decorations for it as well so it's going to look cute once we get it up so I felt like we accomplished our mission on that :) Of course I had to drag him to Micahael's craft store which he loved LOL , being sarcastic on that one , he hated it but he went with me anyways and that is because he loves me , I am such a lucky girl :)
Then Sunday we kind of just took it easy and spent the day togather ....kind of like a lazy Sunday because we both slept in until almost 11 a.m which is very unusual for us but we were tired and heck it was Sunday so why not! So overall the weekend was awesome :) We did talk about my health and weight loss issues over the weekend as well and I think we finally came to a conclusion of what needs to be done in order for me to stay on track with my health and continue to lose the weight that I so desperatley need and want off. Latley I have been very off track of my diet , and it's very frustrating for me because I was doing so well before Thanksgiving hit :( I told him how I feel when I go off my diet and I asked if he could help me by implementing some D/s into the equation and he said we could give it a try so I felt that at least we both came to an agreement on that. We still haven't worked out the details of the plan yet but I am going to bring it up again tonite so we can talk it out and come up with something. I got on the scale this morning and I was so disappointed in myself because I gained more weight :(
Overall we had a great weekend ....I am so much in love with this man that I feel like I am on cloud nine all of the time ...I love it ...it's a great feeling knowing that someone loves you just as much as you love them! Oh and I asked for another erotic spanking last nite and GOD was it good :)
Friday nite I asked for an erotic spanking , which by the way is getting easier to ask him for those good girl spankings, before I had a very hard time asking for them and that was because I felt I didn't deserve that type of pleasure but the more time that passes the easier it is for me to ask for those types of spankings :) He gave me the absolute BEST erotic spanking in the whole wide world ....they are better than SEX as far as I am concerned :) It was very good and it helped to melt away the stress of the week and helped me to relax and enjoy myself!
Then Saturday we got up early because we had to go Christmas Tree hunting which was no fun LOL , and that was because we couldn't find a decent tree that was worth the money therefore we decided on this cute table top artificial tree that has fiber optic lights on it and it's very cute so I was happy with our decision although MG didn't seem to care one way or another. We ended up buying these cute miniature decorations for it as well so it's going to look cute once we get it up so I felt like we accomplished our mission on that :) Of course I had to drag him to Micahael's craft store which he loved LOL , being sarcastic on that one , he hated it but he went with me anyways and that is because he loves me , I am such a lucky girl :)
Then Sunday we kind of just took it easy and spent the day togather ....kind of like a lazy Sunday because we both slept in until almost 11 a.m which is very unusual for us but we were tired and heck it was Sunday so why not! So overall the weekend was awesome :) We did talk about my health and weight loss issues over the weekend as well and I think we finally came to a conclusion of what needs to be done in order for me to stay on track with my health and continue to lose the weight that I so desperatley need and want off. Latley I have been very off track of my diet , and it's very frustrating for me because I was doing so well before Thanksgiving hit :( I told him how I feel when I go off my diet and I asked if he could help me by implementing some D/s into the equation and he said we could give it a try so I felt that at least we both came to an agreement on that. We still haven't worked out the details of the plan yet but I am going to bring it up again tonite so we can talk it out and come up with something. I got on the scale this morning and I was so disappointed in myself because I gained more weight :(
Overall we had a great weekend ....I am so much in love with this man that I feel like I am on cloud nine all of the time ...I love it ...it's a great feeling knowing that someone loves you just as much as you love them! Oh and I asked for another erotic spanking last nite and GOD was it good :)
Labels: D/s relationships, Diet, erotic, feelings, Happy, My Thoughts, Sex, spanking, Spanking Related