Brat Out Of Control

I was paddled last nite for bad language ....this was the very thing that I had been complaining about not getting and then when I actually knew I was getting it I got scared at that moment that I saw the paddle in his hand. Lately I have been dealing with alot of angry feelings and I have been taking it out on MG , which is not fair to him at all and I feel terrible about it :( I guess last nite was the last straw and MG finally decided to take matters into his own hands and punish me for the bad language. This is something that I needed and I am glad that he finally did something about it.

I knew I was in trouble the moment he walked in the door and didn't say a word to me , but at that point I really didn't care he didn't say anything to me because I was just boiling mad at him , the sad part is I wasn't sure why I got so angry and there was no real reason for me to be mad at him , that is the part that upsets me the most :( So I finished my phone call to my aunt and he he came down and simply told me to get into the corner. I was confused because he usually just lets things go , so I protested and told him I was in no mood to get into the corner , which was the wrong thing for me to say!

That is when I saw the paddle , I didn't see it at first until he put it onto the dining room table and that is when I knew he wasn't kidding! My heart started to race and I got scared , which has never happened with him before. I have never been scared of him, or his spankings but for some reason I was scared when I saw that paddle and knew how angry he was with me. I asked to go to the bathroom , something I do alot right before I know I am going to get spanked, I do that in order to get myself togather and try to compose myself. I then went out back into the dining room and just walked over to the corner and stood there.

At this point I was upset at MG for even thinking of paddling me, not that I didn't deserve it , I just couldn't believe that he was going there. This is where him being consistent with me is important because inconsistency just confuses and frustrates me and that makes me angry ....I rather him be consistent than to one nite spank me for bad language, but then the next nite do nothing when I use bad language. When he is inconsistent then it makes me feel like I am not important enough for him to "punish" me each time I do something wrong. After standing in the corner for like five minutes he tells me to turn around and there he is standing with the paddle in hand , and I again get nervous and protest again , he tells me to go into the living room so I do , and I just stand there, and he is telling me to bend over the couch and put my hands on the couch. So I do it while all these thoughts go through my mind , like how hard is he going to hit me with that paddle? And how many am I going to get? I was just nervous and scared!

He then proceeds to pull my pants and panties down , and this shocks me , only because I just figured he was going to spank me over my clothes because it's a heavy wooden paddle , but I was way wrong on that. As he was pulling my pants and panties down I told him he wasn't right , and he just responded with I am not right. He then asks me why is he upset with me? I responded with an "I don't know" , which was the wrong response and he tells me that in a minute I will know. Then comes the first swat which caught me off guard and it hurt. I have been paddled in the past but it's been a very long time so I had forgotten how badly it hurts, especially on the bare. I end up getting a total of 6 swats which all hurt and I was glad that he didn't decide to give me more than that.

With the lecture and the swats I was "sorry" for cussing him out and taking my anger out on him and I promised him while he was paddling me that I would try to stop doing that. Afterwards he told me to pull up my pants and panties and he hugged me, told me that he loved me but that he wouldn't put up with me disrespecting him in that manner. I started to cry because I truly felt bad about it all. I was already on the verge of tears as he paddled me but the flow of tears always comes afterwards with me and I think that is because I totally feel bad about my behavior and I feel bad about disappointing MG :(

After the paddling was over I was very withdrawn and quiet , not because I was mad at MG for paddling me , actually it's what I needed so I was glad he did his job , I was just so mad at myself for acting like such a brat :( Here I am , 34 years old , and I act like a total , uncontrollable brat, how ridiculous is that? I mean the only time I feel like I am loved is when MG spanks me , so how am I supposed to deal with that? I know he loves me because he says it all of the time but because we don't have anything in our relationship that is intimate besides "spanking" I end up bratting just to get punished and it's not good for our relationship to be constantly doing that. I like when he takes control and spanks me when I deserve it , and I am just afraid of losing that :(

My butt is sore today and this makes me think about what happened last nite ....I don't want to act out just to get spanked by him because that is disappointing him and I don't want to do that anymore , but yet I need to feel like I am important to him and the only way I know how to do that is to act out to get punished by him. I just wish that I could be normal again to where I don't have to be like this :( It's jus soooo frustrating!!

Labels: bratting, breaking rules, D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, spanking, Spanking Related

Well I finally got spanked last nite :) It had been a few days since we "played" and that was because I did Thanksgiving at our place and family and friends were invited over and my sister stayed the nite a few nites before and after Thanksgiving therefore MG and I missed a few days of our spanking play! It doesn't bother him to miss three or four days but it bothers me alot LOL.

Last nite's spanking was just for "fun" although I was hoping for a discipline spanking so I was kind of disappointed that it was more a "fun" spanking. Now I am sure I will get emails telling me "girl are you crazy for wanting a discipline spanking" lol ...and although it is a little unusual for most people to want discipline spankings , it's something that is not unusual for me to want or even ask for a discipline spanking.

I thought for a while that the reason why I would want a discipline spanking is because of the pain level I wanted to get too , but now I think it's more because I want some control in my life. I want MG to control some of my bad habits and use discipline spankings for that. I am just used to alot of control and in this relationship I barely have any control and it is very frustrating for me and when I get frustrated I start "bratting" or "acting out".

Don't get me wrong , I love the fact that MG can be very playful with me during a "fun" spanking and I like that I can actually joke with him during a play spanking and it be ok with him that I do that. I never had that in my last relationship and I absolutley love having that in this relationship but I also want him to be serious with me when I need a serious discipline spanking for something that he does not approve of me doing.

I need that balance with him ...I need to be able to know that we can have fun during a fun and playful spanking , but then I also need to know that he can be serious with me when he needs to punish me for a wrong doing or something he doesn't approve of. Does that make sense? I think it does! I have a very hard time communicating my needs when it comes to D/s and spanking ....I am almost embarrassed to discuss spanking with him and I am not sure why because it's something that we both enjoy and is the reason why we are in this lifestyle.

I really believe it's not the pain level that I want to achieve during a spanking but rather it's the ritual part of the spanking that I miss. I am used to having stern lectures before and after a spanking , corner time, the removal of clothing for the spanking, counting out swats ...all of that has been missing with MG when he spanks me for discipline and it's almost as if he is saying that I am not important to take that time with you and it bothers me :(

He allows my personal issues get in the way of really "punishing" me and I don't like that!!! We recently had a discussion of why he didn't use corner time with me and come to find out the reason why he hasn't been using corner time with me during a discipline spanking is because he knows my legs have been hurting me alot due to a condition I have therefore he totally has done away with corner time with me. It bothers me that he didn't sit down with me and talk this out with me , but instead he makes the decision without me and I feel that is unfair to me! I was hurt by this and still am :(

I just feel that there are alot of things pertaining to D/s that we don't do because MG is to concerned with my emotional and physical health! But what he doesn't realize is he is the cause of my emotional health suffering :( I had this same problem with a guy I was dating , he knew of the abuse I went through with my ex-husband and he did the same thing that MG is doing now , and he would tell me that he didn't want to "hurt me emotionally" , and the ironic part is he was "hurting me emotionally" , and it wasn't by the things he was doing but by the things he wasn't doing!

I just wish that MG could treat me like a normal person. By him always making sure he isn't hurting me emotionally , or physically , it makes me feel like a special case and I don't like that at all! I am trying so hard to feel "good" and "right" about ME , and he makes it worse when he treats me differently! I am trying to forget and let my past go but he keeps reminding me of my past when he wants to not put me in the corner because my legs are hurting, or not spank me to hard because of the abuse I went through, or not do anything BDSM because I have had abuse in my past...he just makes it all worse by NOT doing anything :(

Labels: D/s relationships, emotional health, feelings, My Past, My Thoughts, sad, spanking, Spanking Related

I feel really lonely today and it sucks :( I don't look forward to the weekends anymore , I rather be at work than to be by myself every weekend. Being alone like this on the weekends just remind me of my past :( I hate it! Crying is the only thing I do anymore on these weekends that I am completley alone. Either I cry or sleep!

Then when MG does come home I am so angry about him having to work on the weekends that I act like a brat and we end up in a verbal argument. Or I decide I just want to withdraw and I am upstairs crying in bed and he is downstairs angry and watching T.V. We are both very stubborn which I think is half the problem , neither one of us wants to be the bigger person and give in, instead we both act stubborn and all we are doing is hurting each other :(

I just don't know what to do anymore :( I am always sad , crying , or mad at the world.

Labels: emotional health, feelings, lonely, My Thoughts, neglected, sad

The other day a friend of mine online asked me what my "ultimate spanking fantasy" would be and I really had to think about it because honestly I don't think there is anything I have not had when it has come to spanking. I can take most anything when it comes to "spanking". So I really had to think about this question. After much thought my ultimate fantasy would be to get an old fashioned school paddling.

The last time I got a school paddling was when I was in school (go figure lol). And even though those were NOT enjoyable I would always fantasize about my school principal afterwards. Maybe that is why I was in his office on a regular basis during my freshman and sophmore years lol. I got into the most trouble in highschool during my freshman and sophmore years therefore I was spanked a lot during that time.

I would like to experience a school paddling again. I think that now as an adult it has more of an erotic effect to it but I would like it to mimick of how I got it in school. It would be interesting to see if I could get the same "feel" as when I was in highschool. It would be fun to see how a school paddling would be now as an adult! It would also be interesting to find out if I could take it better now that I am older or if it would be just as hard to take as it was back in highschool! But that is my ultimate fantasy :)

Labels: fantasy, spanking, Spanking Related

What do you do when two people in a relationship can't agree with some things that they each do? What do you do when one blames the other one constantly for the problems in the relationship? I am at my wits end on what to do or even think at this moment in my relationship with MG. I love him so much that I would do ANYTHING to make things better between us. But I have so many real fears that I don't even think he understands. I feel like I can't show any type of emotion whether it be crying, anger, or withdrawing because he threatens to leave me which is something I don't want. I say if a person truly loves the other person in the relationship then they will do everything, and anything to keep that relationship happy and healthy....but giving up and leaving the person only hurts that person and that is definantly not love.

So many in marriages, or committed relationships always take the easy way out by leaving the relationship and that makes me question if there really is "true" love in these relationships, in my opinion I don't think so! Before MG I was in two other relationships , one a ten year marriage, and another was a five year committment and both men left me. Although they both claimed to love me but yet they both took the easy way out and left, now how is that love? I was hurt by the most important man in my life (my dad) and I really think that is why I have made poor choices when it has come to the men in my life.

Growing up I was the "daddy's little girl" , and I was the apple of my dad's eye. I looked up to him and as a child I knew that my "daddy" would make everything all right, he was my protector, and my comforter. He was the guy that was there to see me grow from a little girl into a woman. I feel that a father/daughter relationship is important because most girls do look to thier fathers for protection, guidance, love, and comfort. If a young girl does not have a good relationship with her father or there are problems then I think it leads to that girl having self-esteem issues , self-worth issues, and she ends up picking the wrong types of men to date, and get married too.

My dad was a great dad in my eyes but with one major flaw, he sexually abused me for most of my childhood, and although I didn't want to admit this was one of the reasons why I picked the wrong guy to marry , it was the very reason why I made the choices I have. I since then have forgiven my dad for what he did to me but it's so much easier for me to forgive him than to forget what he has done. It's not even about the physical pain he caused me but it's more about the emotional pain I suffered then , and I still suffer from it now. I went from my dad's house to marriage at a young age where I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually for 9 years out of a 10 year marriage. So essentially I went from one home where I was abused to another home where I was abused....talk about poor self-esteem!

But that was the past and now I am in the present yet my past is still haunting me with the painful memories, and nightmares. I am an emotional disaster and the littlest fight with MG is blown way out of porportion and I end up in tears while MG ends up with whatever he is feeling at the time. My past is slowly destroying my present and I don't know what to do about it or how to handle it. I am afraid of everything and I live in fear on an almost daily basis. I am afraid that MG will leave me, afraid that I will end up hurting myself, afraid that I will be all alone evenutally, afraid that I won't have a future. Living in fear is all I do! And when MG and I get into these arguments then his behavior and what he says only reinforces all the fears I have therefore it makes it more real and it's scary :( I want my relationship with MG to work, I love him so much that I forget about my happiness. Like I said I would do anything for MG , even if it means giving up my own happiness to keep him from leaving me, because that is how much I love him!

Labels: emotional health, feelings, lonely, My Past, My Thoughts, sad

Alone
scared
sad
no family that would understand
no friends
no comfort
boyfriend only blames me , and says I act like a jr. high brat, so I withdraw and guard my heart , but what good does it do? I end up getting hurt regardless :(
Where do I turn ?
To food , that's where
Food is my friend, my comfort
The one and only thing I do have control over
I binge and stuff my feelings deep, so deep down to where they can't hurt me.
Then I feel bad so I purge ...but the pain is still there :(
Thus the cycle goes full circle!

Labels: Bulimia, Diet, emotional health, feelings, lonely, sad

I am so stupid sometimes and I am not even sure why MG puts up with me at times :( No matter how hard I seem to try I still feel like a failure in this relationship in many ways and it's very hard to deal with , in fact there are times that I just don't deal with it and I let it build up and then BOOM I explode in anger towards him.

I made a mistake and forgot to tell MG about how my paycheck had not cleared the bank yet and it was a simple mistake on my part but he made me feel as if I was the most horrible person in the world , I just wanted to shrink and disappear! I guess I am not allowed to make any mistakes, at least that is the way I am made to feel.

Life is just to complicated and it seems like DD and D/s make it more complicaeted, at least in my life on some occasions. It's either I am not happy that he is not consistent enough, or I am not happy when he doesn't lay down the law , or I am not happy when he is to soft ....it's like he feels sorry for me and the last thing I need is anyone feeling sorry for me or feeling sorry for what I have been through in the past. It just makes it worse.

I always told him that he treats me to special , but do you think he listens , oh no ...typical male is what I say! It's always some excuse to why he doesn't do something whether it be about D/s or just oridnary life stuff. He doesn't put me in the corner because of some problems I am having with my legs , he doesn't punish me when it's needed on most occasions although that has gotten better.

So I get no corner time, no lecture, no scolding ....just a discipline spanking here and there when it's needed although I must say that the erotic spankings have been really good from the start and it seems like they get better the more we do them.

To the ones who read this blog let me explain some things about my past ....I am very used to major control , and I am used to getting punished quite often. My ex-husband was very abusive and he took it beyond where it should have ever gone. Yes I allowed it but I was drawn into it very slowly and before I knew it I was living a nightmare that I just couldn't break free of for ten years.

Now my ex would always find an excuse to give me hard discipline spankings and I am talking about things that were the least bit oridnary. He yelled at me alot with severe scoldings, and lectures and he added lots of humiliation .....basically he broke me down so he could build me back up and be the hero , but it was a never ending cycle of power, control, domination, and humiliation. I was never good enough, never pretty enough, never thin enough , I just never could please him no matter what I did , and believe me I tried. I wanted to be perfect for him and when I wasn't to his standards he made sure to put me in my place.

So going from that kind of control, power and domination to what I am in now has been very hard for me to deal with. Yes I hated the abuse I went through , but in some weird way I felt loved by my ex when he did those things to me , it was a very twisted type of love but it was the only thing I had to cling on too. He never said "I love you" to me except two times in the marriage , the fist time being on our wedding day, and the second time when I announced to him I was pregnant with his son, he never gave me one ounce of compassion, he never celebrated my birthdays with me, he never celebrated our wedding anniversary with me, I was more his trophy than his wife. It was very sad for me so when he would spank me I in turn interperted that as him loving me!

There are many times where I question God and ask Him "Why did I survive all that"? or "Why didn't he end up killing me"? Because there were several times where he could have and he would even threaten that on a almost daily basis. Why did I survive not only physically, but why did I survive mentally, and emotinally. For what I went through with him I should be a mental case by now but somehow I have the strength to deal with it and heal from it. It's a slow process but that is just what it is, a process that will take some time. I know I need to let all of this go because if I don't , if I hold on to this it's only going to destroy me and then he wins , and the last thing I want is him to win anything. I want to come out of this as the winner!

Labels: D/s relationships, emotional health, My Past, My Thoughts, sad, spanking

Today I feel really emotionally depressed :( My emotions have been on the up and down and I just never know when I am going to have another potential melt down of emotions. I am happy but not as happy as I should be. I have been trying to think when am I the happiest and I came up with a list of times when I have been at my happiest in my life and I am going to share it here.

Times when I have been at my happiest:

* When I found out I was pregnant with my son :)
* When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter :)
* When my ex-husband left me (believe it or not I was very happy on that day)
* When I am around the children I take care of ( they are such a joy to be around and it makes me happy to be around them)
* My wedding day (how ironic that the very thing that made me happy was the very thing that caused me so much pain and grief).
* When MG and I first met , and then later when we decided to be togather and now that we are living togather :)

Times when I have been at my sadest:

* When I realized that my 10 year marriage left me an emotional mess :(
* When my son died :(
* When I had to give up my daughter for adoption :(
* When a good friend of mine passed away :(
* When my best friend decided to pick a guy over our friendship :(
* When I lost my first true love to death :(
*When my heart was broken a second time in my life :(
* When a guy I loved alot decided to up and leave me when he said he would never leave
me :( (typical guy that breaks his promise)

So as you can see I have had my happy moments but I have equally had my bad moments too. Life is funny how it works but I guess in order for things to be balanced you have to have both the happy times as well as the sad times! In a perfect world no one would get thier heart broken, no one would break a heart , no one would be sad but unfortunalty this world is far from perfection!

Labels: emotional health, feelings, My Thoughts, sad

Tonite has not been a good nite :( Why do I always end up getting hurt? I hate who I have become , I hate me! I just wish that I could die so I don't have to feel the pain anymore. I wish that I could become numb to it all and not give a damn but for some reason I can't therefore I am this pathetic person who's heart is breaking , or is it? How can a heart break when it has been broken so many times in the past? Maybe that is the problem, my heart wasn't whole from the start of this new relationship , I am not whole, my soul and spirit has been broken and crushed so much that the damage may never heal. All I want is to be loved, and feel loved, and there are times that I feel that but then there are times like tonite that I don't feel loved :(

I have cried so much that I think there are no more tears to cry , that is until the next time, and I find that the tears are still flowing. What is wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? or Brat enough? I will wonder all of my life and until the day that I die to why I can't be loved :(

Labels: emotional health, feelings, lonely, neglected, sad

Tonite my boyfriend told me that he thinks I want "control" of our relationship! I was stunned and shocked that he would even say a thing like that. I feel that I am the most submissive female out there, there are not many out there like me! I was hurt when he told me this because he is DEAD WRONG about me! I don't want control of anything, BUT what I do want is for him to TAKE SOME CONTROL!!!!

Our relationship is so different than what I am used too , and here I am trying my best to deal with all of the changes and get used to a "normal" D/s relationship and he tells me that I want control ...WHAT NERVE!! He pissed me off with his comments tonite, it's just ridiculous! I will admit that I do miss the strict control I used to have with my ex , but I sure in the hell don't want the CONTROL!

I don't feel submissive anymore which is hard for me to cope with :( I don't feel like I am doing anything for him, there is no sex, no hard play, no bdsm, no nothing! And then he has some nerve telling me that I want control ...YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!!!! What I want is for him to TAKE SOME CONTROL, TAKE SOME INITIATIVE, SPANK ME WHEN I NEED IT, AND NOT ALLOW ME TO CONTINUE BEING A BRAT!!!

The other nite I left the house because I was soooo upset, and what does he do? He sits on the couch and just allows me to walk out the door in the middle of the nite ....what kind of Dom is that? It's like he doesn't care enough about me to stop me, oh yeah I forgot , that is playing into emotional games and he isn't going to do that........WHAT THE FUCK EVER!! The only thing I know is I keep getting HURT because he doesn't do a thing to help me ....and it just makes me wonder how much he supposedly loves me :(

Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, emotional health, feelings, My Thoughts, neglected

Well it's another weekend alone for me, which is nothing I am not used to so who was I kidding when I thought that I could possibly have a relationship where I would at least be able to spend some time with that person! Maybe I am being selfish but I don't care, I am sick of spending evenings and weekends alone :( When MG first told me that he would have to work 7 days a week at his job until they found a replacement for the person that was let go I was upset, and I had every right to be. But then he explained to me that it was only temporaray and that the extra money would be good so I just accepted it and I feel I have dealt with it rather nicely but this is the third weekend in a row that I will be spending by myself again and I am not happy with it!

Today I asked MG to just call in sick one day this weekend but of course he won't do that , he is so loyal to that job (I don't get you men) so it pissed me off and I said some things that I probably shouldn't have said but again I don't care because it's how I feel! I am just feeling really lonely at nite and on the weekends, it's taking an emotional toll on me. My best friend won't talk to me, I am not allowed to talk to a close "Aunt" of mine because she is "not a good influence" according to to many people in my life, and my boyfriend would rather work 7 days a week/12 hour days than take a sick day and spend it with me, his girlfriend :( , so yeah I would say I am feeling pretty damn lonley , and sad right now :(

I guess I just need to suck it up and get used to it ...the story of my life :(

Labels: emotional health, feelings, lonely, My Thoughts, neglected, sad