Brat Out Of Control

Well it's Saturday but I really wasn't looking forward to this weekend at all because I knew MG had to work :( I hate it when he has to work on the weekends because it just doesn't feel right without him here. In my last relationship (10 year marriage) my ex-husband was always gone and I was always ALONE, it wasn't fun, but I became numb to it and was in my own little world. No matter how hard I try to do the same thing now, I can't , I miss MG and our weekends togather :( Yesterday I cried alot and today I will probably do the same , it just seems that crying sometime helps with the way I am feeling.

If I had something to fill my time then I think it wouldn't effect me as much but I have nothing to fill my time and I get to thinking and thinking is dangerous with me somtimes. Of course I have things like cleaning the house , organizing things, doing laundry ect. , but once those things are done then there is nothing to do. These are the times when I wish I had children because at least I could be taking care of someone and I wouldn't be able to be selfish and just sit around and think all of the time. But kids aren't going to happen for me so I just need to stop daydreaming and start looking at reality!

I read on the spanking den alot at www.spankingden.com and this morning I was reading on there at how some of the girls get punished for doing things that they are not supposed to do, god some of there punishments seem harsh. At least in comparison to what I get for punishment! I think that MG and I have come a long way as far as when he punishes me because I didn't think that his spankings would be adequate enough for me because of my history of hard spankings in the past when I was married. Although there are times when I crave to really get a hard spanking and I will brat extensivley just to see if I can get it , but it doesn't work with MG therefore I have given up to ever think that I could get a really harsh, and hard spanking from him :( There are alot of things that I have given up on since being in this relationship but sometimes you have to give up certain things in order to get certain things that you never had before. I know MG loves me and that is all that counts at this point.

I am not doing so well with my weight loss and it really sucks :( It's only my fault though because I am not following the diet as much as I should be. I just wish that MG would help me more with it and what I mean by help me more with it is when I gain weight, punish me and when I lose weight reward me but that will never happen either. There is no consistency with him when it comes to certain things and this is one of them. But you know what they say , you can't get blood out of a turnip! At times like these I just sometimes feel like throwing in the towel and saying "fuck" it , I don't care if I ever lose another pound , but then I think about my health and desire to want to live a long life and if I don't get this weight off I will end up having major medical problems and I don't want that either. I can just see myself at age 65 , alone, no one to care for me, and struggling to take care of myself :( Not a pretty picture , another reason why the future is scary for me, and that may be the very reason why I don't like thinking of the future because I am not sure that I like what it holds for me :( I have always painted this perfect little picture of my life for me ...that I would get married to a wonderful guy, have lots of kids with him, and live in a nice house with a white little picket fence around it , raise my kids, see them graduate highschool and college, see them get married, see them have my grandchildren....and my life has not turned out at all that way, and it never will. And although I have accepted that my life is going to turn out differently than what I have dreamed of since I was a little girl , it's still very hard to think about the future. My biggest fear has always been that I am afraid of being alone , although I am not alone right now , I will eventually end up being alone , and that is a scary thought!

Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, Diet, emotional health, lonely, My Thoughts, sad, spanking

I have been thinking about the past today :( Probably not a good thing to think about when I have had so much time on my hands today but I just sometimes find myself thinking about the past! MG and I recently moved into our new place and I had put some things in one of the spare bedrooms that was from my storage that I decided to unpack and there were things in those boxes that brough me back to the past! Just some old pictures of my ex-husband and I, and some old gifts that he had bought me when we were first togather, I had totally forgotten that I had packed those few items away!

Discovering these things brough back a flood of emotions that I was not prepared for because I had thought that I was done with that part of my life once and for all , I thought I had put the pain, hurt, and anger in the past and laid it to rest once and for all ...I guess I was wrong! I threw it all away because I want that part of my life completley gone, but no matter how hard I try to forget the past, somehow, someway it always seems to haunt me! As I wiped the tears away I realized that the past will never completley go away because it is and always will be a part of me.

The emotional pain, and hurt that I thought I had gotten through is still there , I just have buried it deep down and tried to forget it because it's to painful to want to remember it. Then there are the good memories , very few with my ex-husband but there were some at the start of our marriage and I found myself remembering those "good times", but I almost feel guilty for that. I just have so many mixed emotions that it's really crazy at times. My life right now is wonderful , MG loves me and I love him , I am at my happiest time in my life right now but there are days where I am at my lowest point too.

I know that I need to start looking to the future and forget my past ....but how can you forget your past when it's so much a part of you? That is where I am at right now in my thinking, but I guess I just have to take one day at a time and go from there!

Labels: feelings, My Past, My Thoughts

Today has been a "bad" day. I am not feeling well emotionally or physically :( I wish everyday could be a good day! I am just not sure how I got this messed up. Yeah I have made some mistakes in life but am I going to have to pay for those mistakes made for the rest of my life? Why does life have to be so complicated?

Last nite I got into trouble with MG and you would think that I would be over it but I am not. I woke up this morning feeling worse and just as bad as I felt last nite :( It's nothing he did wrong, in fact he did everything right , so what is wrong with me then? I was being very disrespectful towards him last nite and using bad language therefore he took over and spanked me for it, exactly what I needed but yet I was so angry towards him afterwards last nite that I didn't even want to hug him, and I got into bed and cried myself to sleep :(

I have thought about this all day long and I can't figure out why I reacted the way I did. I had been complaining to him that when he does punish me I haven't been able to cry, well last nite was the first time he had me in tears from a spanking which is a good breakthrough for us because I can take alot of hard spanking and usually there are no tears , but last nite there were so I should be ecstatic about it but instead I got totally mad at him.

I did think that he was a little insensitive towards me last nite because he knew I was tired and cranky and when I get like that I usually do get irritated and use bad language and then when he calls me on it all it does is make me mad that I have been "caught" so I just get brattier and that usually ends in me being bent over the bed and spanked. So maybe that is what happened last nite?

I am having a hard time with it, and it's been bugging me all day and I have been going on spanking boards asking questions, even emailed a friend of mine and asked his opinion since he is a Dominant guy and into spanking so I thought he would have more insight on it than I do since I am the one in the situation, usually an outsider can look in and exactly see what is wrong.

But MG did nothing wrong, in fact if he would have let what I did go then I would have been upset that he didn't punish me. I just want to figure out why I reacted the way I did over it. MG originally thought I had a flashback during the spanking about my ex but that wasn't the case but I do think that I felt a little more humiliated during this spanking than I ever have with MG. He has spanked me for punishment on several occasions and I have never felt any type of humiliation because that is not his spanking style. But for some reason during this spanking I felt a little humiliated. I just need to figure this out!!

Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, My Thoughts, sad, spanking, Spanking Related

I just have this feeling of "emotional sadness" and I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate it when I feel this all time "low". I am not sure what is wrong with me but I don't like what is happening to me :( I love MG and I know he loves me but something is missing and I can't put my finger on it. I am happy but I don't feel as happy as I should feel. I don't feel at all submissive and I hate that too. I don't feel like I am making MG as happy as I could make him, and I just feel that I am doing everything wrong :(

I just feel like a "failure" at everything lately, maybe because I am :( I really don't know what it's going to take so I can feel normal and alive! I know that I am depressed, I felt it coming on the other day , I just wish I knew how to stop it from happening! The only time I feel good is when MG is spanking me, and I know that sounds absolutley crazy but it's how I feel. MG hasn't spanked me for a couple of days now and I feel terrible , crazy? I somehow connect spanking with the only way to feel loved, and accepted and when I am not getting spanked then I don't feel loved or accepted by him or anyone :( It's crazy and it's about to drive me completley nuts :(

Put all of that on top of the fact that I have not lost one pound this week so I feel totally helpless because I am eating correctly and like I should yet I haven't lost anything so I am really down and disappointed in myself :( I hate myself right now :( Sometimes I wonder why God even has me here :( I just feel like being a big brat so I can at least get punished, that way I can at least feel good and normal!

Labels: emotional health, lonely, My Thoughts, neglected, sad, spanking

It's been quite the week already and it's only Wednesday tomorrow! I am doing well for the most part. MG and I are getting along fabulously, although we both have our moments but none of us are perfect either! Last nite he gave me the BEST erotic spanking that I have ever had :) I usually don't talk much about our sex life here because I feel that it is a sacred thing between MG and I only but tonite I am going to break my own rules ...and only a true BRAT would do that :) I have been quite nervous each time MG and I have engaged in any type of intimate play. But last nite was different , I was totally comfortable with him and very comfortable with the type of play we were doing. I feel that is good progress for me because before I would just kind of lay there and be "silent" , which I am not a loud person when it comes to sex or anything, never have been but I also haven't been a totally quiet person either. And I have never been very fascinated with erotic spanking either , in the past I really have never enjoyed it but MG changed my way of thinking last nite :) I definantly enjoyed last nite and I am looking forward to more of that in the future, that is if I can keep myself out of trouble long enough LOL. But last nite was definantly good :)

Labels: erotic, Sex, spanking

It's been a stressful couple of days but well worth the stress!! MG and I have moved into our own place after four grueling months with a roommate!! We just needed to get our own place and we did it! And it's a pretty townhome and I think that we are going to be very happy to make our "first" home togather there :) It's a little more than what MG wanted to pay out monthly but I really wanted it so he gave in to my "pleas" LOL. I am really excited about this place, and excited about making it a comfortable place for MG and I to come home too! The one thing I have missed is not having a place where I can decorate, and make it our own! It's hard enough in a new relationship but to add living with a roommate is even harder!

We signed the lease Sunday, had the place on Monday, and got everything changed in our name and hooked up by Tuesday, so I think we did very well considering the quick move that it was :) Now we just have to buy a refridgerator, and washer and dryer since it didn't come with those! It has been stressful but well worth the stress to get out of where we were! Where we did live was not in the best of areas of Houston but it served it's purpose to get him down here so he could get a job! I am just glad that we are in a place of our own before all of the holidays hit! Last year I was living with my parents (due to the pending divorce) during the holidays and after 11 years of living without my parents (got married young) it was hard to go back there and live, especially during the holiday season!

I can't wait to decorate for the holidays ....I absolutley love the holidays, it's the time of year that I wait for. I always had "good" memories as a kid when it came to Thanksgiving, and Christmas, my parents made sure that there was always good memories for us three kids. They made it feel like a magical time of year and although I don't feel that "magic" as an adult, I do get into the Thanksgiving and Christmas spirit when the time comes around. I think alot of it is because of my job, I work with children and children always make the holidays seem "special"!! So this holiday season will be fun to decorate this cute townhome that we are in!!!

I have lots of ideas for a fall theme already because we have this cute porch where we can decorate a fall theme, since we don't have children there is no reason to decorate it with halloween but I thought a fall theme would be cute and we could leave it up all the way through the Thanksgiving holiday!! So my mind is getting into that creative mode LOL, but I have to be creative and sensible money wise because if I go overboard then MG is liable to spank me silly LOL :) And we wouldn't want that , now would we MG LMAO!!! He reads here so he will get a kick out of that little comment :) Maybe that will earn me a discipline spanking tonite? LOL, I could only hope!!! I love to have fun with him, and tease him but sometimes he doesn't think it's to funny, and neither do I after I get a spanking from him!!

I think that now we will really see how we are going to get along as far as living togather, for the past four months we were living togather but we were renting a room so it wasn't our own therefore we didn't get the full living togather feel!! I think for the most part we will do ok, because any couple who is in a new relationship and are living togather goes through that initial "period" where they have to get used to each other! For the most part I don't have to many complaints about MG because he is the neatest neat freak for a guy that I have ever seen! I am used to Texas Men, and if anyone who has been with a Texas guy they know what I am talking about LOL. Most guys in Texas, (at least the one I was married to, and then a couple I dated) are slave drivers, they expect a "slave" , and they don't expect any less, especially Texas guys who are into this lifestyle!

Don't get me wrong , MG expects me to keep house, and keep it clean, but he actually helps out where help is needed and at first I have to admit that I didn't like it and it took some getting used too but now it's nice to have help, and it's nice that it's not all on me! I always used to think that I had to do everything like keep the house clean, and work outside the home without any help but MG doesn't expect me to do it all and it's nice to have that 50/50 type relationship and since I do work outside of the home it makes it easier on me!! I guess because I was in such an abusive relationship before that it has really been hard for me to get used to a man actually being "nice" to me, and actually loving me as well!! I am happy in this relationship but I am not 100 percent happy with myself but I am working on that!

Not many are as lucky as me, because I know it's hard to find a "good" guy who will treat you right so I am very blessed to have MG, and I am thankful everyday that passes to have him in my life. I just want to make him happy and sometimes I feel like I am not doing that which I guess that is my self-esteem issues popping up on me and that is why I feel that way sometimes. I know I have alot of work ahead of me, which is to work on my self-esteem, self-image, and self-confidence but with MG helping, and supporting me I know I can do it, and I know one day I will be the "Michelle"that is 100 percent happy again!

Labels: Happy, My Thoughts, spanking