Brat Out Of Control
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I am feeling much better emotionally today which is a good thing and I love my life when I feel like I am on top of the world. Hopefully with time, and healing I will have more moments like this in my life. When I was younger I used to be one that really loved life, and I definantly loved myself alot more than I do now! I grew up in a household where I was taught that looking pretty, and being thin were two things that you had to have in order to be successful in life. I don't agree with this philosophy at all. Because my parents raised me with this way of thinking it has really messed me up in life. Because I now have a weight problem I feel that there is something wrong with me, that no man can ever love me when I am like this, I don't feel pretty, attractive, or sexy at all. And I will always feel like this while having a weight problem because it was instilled in me at such a young, and impressionable age. I think it's important in how we raise our children because something as innocent as a comment on a young girl's weight could effect her for the rest of her life in a way that is not healthy, like an eating disorder, or starving herself!
Labels: Bulimia, Diet, emotional health
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Why I emotionally eat
This afternoon has been a bad day for me:( Eating wise I lost it and just started to binge eat to whatever I could get my hands on, and even though I know how I am going to feel afterwards, it doesn't matter, I eat according to my emotions which is something that I have been dealing with since I was a child and it just has grown into this big monster. When I am under emotional pain, emotional stress, or emotional hurt I tend to comfort myself with food. It's so ironic because I think food is my friend but in reality food is my own worst enemy!
Do I want to change this type of behavior? Of course I do but I have tried and it's something that is not just going to instantly go away. My ex used to punish me for this type of behavior but MG won't even think of punishing me for it which upsets me but if that is how he feels about it then that is his perogative but then don't expect me to change, plain and simple. I want to get this weight off so badly that I am willig to go to any lengths to do so, and I am about at the end of my rope to try something that may be dangerous but I am to the point where I don't care, if it helps me to get the weight off then I will do it. Does MG agree? No, but he doesn't do anything about it either therefore I will act like the brat that I am and do it regardless.
Last nite I had to basically ask MG to spank me hard so I could feel punished for alot of things that I have felt guilty about in the last few days. He did spank me the way I wanted and afterwards I felt punished , but I felt punished by me, not him and that is because I had to ask him for it. I just wish he would take some initiative and punish me when it's needed, especially for the obvious stuff. Because one way or another I will make sure I get punished for my out of control eating ....either he is going to help me , or I will hurt myself through binge eating, bad eating, no eating ect.
Do I want to change this type of behavior? Of course I do but I have tried and it's something that is not just going to instantly go away. My ex used to punish me for this type of behavior but MG won't even think of punishing me for it which upsets me but if that is how he feels about it then that is his perogative but then don't expect me to change, plain and simple. I want to get this weight off so badly that I am willig to go to any lengths to do so, and I am about at the end of my rope to try something that may be dangerous but I am to the point where I don't care, if it helps me to get the weight off then I will do it. Does MG agree? No, but he doesn't do anything about it either therefore I will act like the brat that I am and do it regardless.
Last nite I had to basically ask MG to spank me hard so I could feel punished for alot of things that I have felt guilty about in the last few days. He did spank me the way I wanted and afterwards I felt punished , but I felt punished by me, not him and that is because I had to ask him for it. I just wish he would take some initiative and punish me when it's needed, especially for the obvious stuff. Because one way or another I will make sure I get punished for my out of control eating ....either he is going to help me , or I will hurt myself through binge eating, bad eating, no eating ect.
Labels: Bulimia, D/s relationships, Diet, feelings, My Thoughts, sad, Spanking Related
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Hurt Feelings
First of all I wanted to thank everyone who replied with more emails about my "Update" post. It is always nice hearing good comments and emails from everyone! When I first started this blog I had no idea that I would aqquire that many people reading what I had to say about my "boring" life LOL. But I do appreciate all of my readers!
Well this weekend so far has been "interesting" to say the least! I guess you can say I have been "pouting" because MG decides to volunteer to work tomorrow (Sunday), now under usual circumstances this probably seems like no big deal to most people, but it's a very big deal to me and for many personal reasons. When he told me this first thing this morning I was very "hurt" , and when I am hurt I tend to have a "brat attack" (what MG calls them). I just couldn't believe that he would volunteer to work on the ONLY day we have off togather!
I am still very upset over it as I write this entry thus the reason why I picked this subject for this very entry tonite. I notice when I blog about things that bother me, it helps to vent some and get it off my chest so to speak. So after I drop him off to work this morning, I end up having to pull to the side of the road to just have a good cry, that is how upsetting this whole thing is to me! I love him but I sometimes wonder with his choices if he loves me or not. In my thinking, " Why would he want to work on the ONLY day off we have togather?" I can come up with a ton of answers to that, 1. He doesn't want to or care to spend time with me 2. He rather work overtime because of the money (which is a poor excuse in my opinion) or 3. He just doesnt's love me.
Let me give a little background as to why I feel this way, because to most this would seem "silly" because apparently to him it is "silly", although he knows my past :( I was in a very abusive DD relationship with a man who was very selfish and only cared to hurt me than to love me. The one thing this man did was work all the time, and I mean all of the time, it was like his job was his life and he didn't care that I was home alone most of the time. I felt like I was single most of the time although I knew better than to say this to him for fear of getting abused. So what did I do? I put up with it for ten long years, and just thought that this was what a good "submissive" did. He had me so brainwashed into thinking that I needed to stay in my place and never undermind him or his decisions, and I did just that. I stayed in my place like the good little submissive and wife!
I was home alone alot, a whole lot and I was very lonely and very depressed. I lived a life that no one could imagine, when I look back on it today I can't believe that I put up with that type of abuse. And the thing is it started out with tiny things at first, and then grew into bigger things and before I knew it he had me under his total control. I dared not to question him either and I didn't , therefore I just started to deal with all of it in my own way, by accepting that this was what my life was going to be, and my happiness did not matter, only his happiness mattered, and I was there to make sure he was happy! Well I refuse to do that in this relationship so when something bothers me or makes me unhappy I am going to make sure he clearly knows how I feel about it, whether it makes a difference or not I will have a voice and tell him.
Now I am not saying that MG is anything like my ex, because he is NOT , he is a great guy who I know loves me, although at times I do question that (only because of my own insecurities). He is kind, sweet, and gentle towards me, and I am lucky to have him, but he is not perfect as no one is and that is why the problem. The one thing he promised me is he would work normal working hours when we got togather and that he would not neglect me, us or our relationship and I just feel that this is the start of neglecting me, us, and our relationship. The one thing that I feel went wrong with my ex and I is we started to grow apart little by little and before I knew it he grew into this very unhappy, resentful, and abusive man , and that was not the man I married! And the reason why we grew apart is because he decided to work more, spend time with me less and less, therefore other things like making money was more important than me, us, or our relationship! I just don't want that happening with MG and I :(
I do have alot of fears in this relationship but it's only because of what I have been through, and experienced in the past that has made me, and molded me into the person I am today! When traumatic things happen to someone, they can't help but wonder why he is doing this? or Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not living up to my end of the relationship? Ect. Ect. A million things have ran through my mind about this whole thing, and it's just very hurtful, and god knows I have tried to be "toughter", "less" sensitive, "more" understanding ect., but it's hard to do with the type of past I have. I don't like that I am tender-hearted, sensitive, and emotional but that is who I am, and I won't apologize to anyone for it, including MG.
He has tried to make me understand why he is working tomorrow, and he has even said it's only for three hours in the morning and he will be home by 10:30 a.m, and that we sleep in on Sundays anyways so it's no big deal. But I told him that is not the point , the point is I love "sleeping" in with him on Sunday mornings, and waking up to him hugging me, and talking to me, and cuddling togather, then getting up and making breakfast or going out to breakfast togather. I really look forward to Sundays because that is the only day we can do that and I feel that he just keeps taking things away from me that I feel are special and that I look forward too. There are alot of things that we don't have togather as a couple, and that I can't have with him and as hard as it is to accept that, I have accepted it, but now he is asking me to give up the very thing that I look foward to, and need, and want. And in his eyes he feels that it's only one Sunday and no big deal, but in my mind I look at it very differently!
Men just don't get it when it comes to what is important to woman in a relationship, and I wonder sometimes why God made us so different. It's just frustrating that he doesn't see how hurt I am over this, and it's really fruastrating when he thinks that I am being a "brat" over this whole thing when I feel I am being justified in how I am feeling about it! I do love him so much and I think that is why this hurts so much :( The thing that I want him to do is to at least "validate" my feelings, know that this hurts me, and fix it, is that so much to ask? But what's done is done , he is working tomorrow whether I like it or not so I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with being alone tomorrow, and waking up by myself :(
Well this weekend so far has been "interesting" to say the least! I guess you can say I have been "pouting" because MG decides to volunteer to work tomorrow (Sunday), now under usual circumstances this probably seems like no big deal to most people, but it's a very big deal to me and for many personal reasons. When he told me this first thing this morning I was very "hurt" , and when I am hurt I tend to have a "brat attack" (what MG calls them). I just couldn't believe that he would volunteer to work on the ONLY day we have off togather!
I am still very upset over it as I write this entry thus the reason why I picked this subject for this very entry tonite. I notice when I blog about things that bother me, it helps to vent some and get it off my chest so to speak. So after I drop him off to work this morning, I end up having to pull to the side of the road to just have a good cry, that is how upsetting this whole thing is to me! I love him but I sometimes wonder with his choices if he loves me or not. In my thinking, " Why would he want to work on the ONLY day off we have togather?" I can come up with a ton of answers to that, 1. He doesn't want to or care to spend time with me 2. He rather work overtime because of the money (which is a poor excuse in my opinion) or 3. He just doesnt's love me.
Let me give a little background as to why I feel this way, because to most this would seem "silly" because apparently to him it is "silly", although he knows my past :( I was in a very abusive DD relationship with a man who was very selfish and only cared to hurt me than to love me. The one thing this man did was work all the time, and I mean all of the time, it was like his job was his life and he didn't care that I was home alone most of the time. I felt like I was single most of the time although I knew better than to say this to him for fear of getting abused. So what did I do? I put up with it for ten long years, and just thought that this was what a good "submissive" did. He had me so brainwashed into thinking that I needed to stay in my place and never undermind him or his decisions, and I did just that. I stayed in my place like the good little submissive and wife!
I was home alone alot, a whole lot and I was very lonely and very depressed. I lived a life that no one could imagine, when I look back on it today I can't believe that I put up with that type of abuse. And the thing is it started out with tiny things at first, and then grew into bigger things and before I knew it he had me under his total control. I dared not to question him either and I didn't , therefore I just started to deal with all of it in my own way, by accepting that this was what my life was going to be, and my happiness did not matter, only his happiness mattered, and I was there to make sure he was happy! Well I refuse to do that in this relationship so when something bothers me or makes me unhappy I am going to make sure he clearly knows how I feel about it, whether it makes a difference or not I will have a voice and tell him.
Now I am not saying that MG is anything like my ex, because he is NOT , he is a great guy who I know loves me, although at times I do question that (only because of my own insecurities). He is kind, sweet, and gentle towards me, and I am lucky to have him, but he is not perfect as no one is and that is why the problem. The one thing he promised me is he would work normal working hours when we got togather and that he would not neglect me, us or our relationship and I just feel that this is the start of neglecting me, us, and our relationship. The one thing that I feel went wrong with my ex and I is we started to grow apart little by little and before I knew it he grew into this very unhappy, resentful, and abusive man , and that was not the man I married! And the reason why we grew apart is because he decided to work more, spend time with me less and less, therefore other things like making money was more important than me, us, or our relationship! I just don't want that happening with MG and I :(
I do have alot of fears in this relationship but it's only because of what I have been through, and experienced in the past that has made me, and molded me into the person I am today! When traumatic things happen to someone, they can't help but wonder why he is doing this? or Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not living up to my end of the relationship? Ect. Ect. A million things have ran through my mind about this whole thing, and it's just very hurtful, and god knows I have tried to be "toughter", "less" sensitive, "more" understanding ect., but it's hard to do with the type of past I have. I don't like that I am tender-hearted, sensitive, and emotional but that is who I am, and I won't apologize to anyone for it, including MG.
He has tried to make me understand why he is working tomorrow, and he has even said it's only for three hours in the morning and he will be home by 10:30 a.m, and that we sleep in on Sundays anyways so it's no big deal. But I told him that is not the point , the point is I love "sleeping" in with him on Sunday mornings, and waking up to him hugging me, and talking to me, and cuddling togather, then getting up and making breakfast or going out to breakfast togather. I really look forward to Sundays because that is the only day we can do that and I feel that he just keeps taking things away from me that I feel are special and that I look forward too. There are alot of things that we don't have togather as a couple, and that I can't have with him and as hard as it is to accept that, I have accepted it, but now he is asking me to give up the very thing that I look foward to, and need, and want. And in his eyes he feels that it's only one Sunday and no big deal, but in my mind I look at it very differently!
Men just don't get it when it comes to what is important to woman in a relationship, and I wonder sometimes why God made us so different. It's just frustrating that he doesn't see how hurt I am over this, and it's really fruastrating when he thinks that I am being a "brat" over this whole thing when I feel I am being justified in how I am feeling about it! I do love him so much and I think that is why this hurts so much :( The thing that I want him to do is to at least "validate" my feelings, know that this hurts me, and fix it, is that so much to ask? But what's done is done , he is working tomorrow whether I like it or not so I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with being alone tomorrow, and waking up by myself :(
Labels: feelings, My Thoughts, neglected, sad, Validation
Friday, September 21, 2007
Update for all of my online friends
I just wanted to make this post all about the friends I have made through the blogger and also through several other locations that have my address to this blog and who comment a whole lot through sending me emails and such. I have had alot of you asking lots of personal questions about my life with MG, and if you have been reading here for awhile then you know the ups, downs, and all of the emotional stuff that has been going on in our lives and in the relationship. So I thought I would post an entry here and answer all of the questions at once since that would be alot easier.
MG and I are currently living togather, we finally made that happen in May 2007 after a very long time of talking online, and visits to see each other. We are doing well togather and I feel that it has been somewhat of an adjustment for us both, but isn't that how it is in any new relationship whether it's vanilla or spanking? But for the most part I think that we have done well considering the background of us both. We both have had alot of issues in past relationships so we both have brought alot of emotional baggage to this relationship but we are working through that and I feel we are making good progress. Nothing is perfect and we both know that!
Some of you were concerned about the big age difference between MG and I, but I am happy to report that this has not been an issue in our relationship at all like some of you had told me, this was mainly close friends of mine who told me this so that is who I am addressing here since they also read here! I have never looked at our age difference that big of a deal, I fell in love with MG, not his age! He has told me that in the begining he did have some issues with me being 26 years younger but he no longer feels this way! I have never thought that age makes much of a difference, unless of course the two involved want different things then that may pose a problem.
Now the big question that alot have asked me, which is what are sex life is like? This question is very case sensitive, and I don't discuss such personal issues with anyone and I won't discuss it here either. The only thing I can say is we both love each other very much, and the rest is going to have to be up to you guys imaginations LOL. MG and I have worked through the problems with the D/s and spanking, at least I think for the time being we have. I had this big fear that his spanking methods would not meet my needs but I was wrong about that.
He has spanked me on several occasions for discipline and for fun play and all the sessions have gone really well. The one thing I would like to see is for me to cry during a discipline session, that has yet to happen and I think it's because I am not comfortable enough to release that type of emotion in front of him, I mean I can cry in front of him because I have done that one on several occasions, but there is something different about releasing tears when your being spanked for punishment , it's just hard to do that , at least for me but we are working on that one and I think eventually it will happen, with time!
The other question that I thought was odd coming from "online" friends was if we are going to have any children? It's funny that this one came up in all the emails that I got because it also came up with a very good friend of MG's and I when we went visiting them a few weeks back, actually it is a shocking question but nonetheless I guess everyone has thier curitosities. There will be no children in our future and there are several reasons for that. MG is just at the age where he doesn't want anymore children, and I knew this coming into the relationship so it wasn't that much of a shock to me. Am I ok with it? Well let's just say I have accepted this and leave it at that.
I would like to thank all of my online friends and readers of this blog. I appreciate everyone's comments, advice, and insight! This isn't a goodbye, just an update for everyone so I can stop all of the emails from coming with the same questions over and over LOL , not that I don't like the emails, but my yahoo account is rejecting emails because I have so many coming in LOL. I didn't know that could happen on a yahoo account but I guess that is why it's a free email account. Ok that is the update!
MG and I are currently living togather, we finally made that happen in May 2007 after a very long time of talking online, and visits to see each other. We are doing well togather and I feel that it has been somewhat of an adjustment for us both, but isn't that how it is in any new relationship whether it's vanilla or spanking? But for the most part I think that we have done well considering the background of us both. We both have had alot of issues in past relationships so we both have brought alot of emotional baggage to this relationship but we are working through that and I feel we are making good progress. Nothing is perfect and we both know that!
Some of you were concerned about the big age difference between MG and I, but I am happy to report that this has not been an issue in our relationship at all like some of you had told me, this was mainly close friends of mine who told me this so that is who I am addressing here since they also read here! I have never looked at our age difference that big of a deal, I fell in love with MG, not his age! He has told me that in the begining he did have some issues with me being 26 years younger but he no longer feels this way! I have never thought that age makes much of a difference, unless of course the two involved want different things then that may pose a problem.
Now the big question that alot have asked me, which is what are sex life is like? This question is very case sensitive, and I don't discuss such personal issues with anyone and I won't discuss it here either. The only thing I can say is we both love each other very much, and the rest is going to have to be up to you guys imaginations LOL. MG and I have worked through the problems with the D/s and spanking, at least I think for the time being we have. I had this big fear that his spanking methods would not meet my needs but I was wrong about that.
He has spanked me on several occasions for discipline and for fun play and all the sessions have gone really well. The one thing I would like to see is for me to cry during a discipline session, that has yet to happen and I think it's because I am not comfortable enough to release that type of emotion in front of him, I mean I can cry in front of him because I have done that one on several occasions, but there is something different about releasing tears when your being spanked for punishment , it's just hard to do that , at least for me but we are working on that one and I think eventually it will happen, with time!
The other question that I thought was odd coming from "online" friends was if we are going to have any children? It's funny that this one came up in all the emails that I got because it also came up with a very good friend of MG's and I when we went visiting them a few weeks back, actually it is a shocking question but nonetheless I guess everyone has thier curitosities. There will be no children in our future and there are several reasons for that. MG is just at the age where he doesn't want anymore children, and I knew this coming into the relationship so it wasn't that much of a shock to me. Am I ok with it? Well let's just say I have accepted this and leave it at that.
I would like to thank all of my online friends and readers of this blog. I appreciate everyone's comments, advice, and insight! This isn't a goodbye, just an update for everyone so I can stop all of the emails from coming with the same questions over and over LOL , not that I don't like the emails, but my yahoo account is rejecting emails because I have so many coming in LOL. I didn't know that could happen on a yahoo account but I guess that is why it's a free email account. Ok that is the update!
Labels: My Thoughts, update
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Emotional Toll On My Life
It's been kind of hectic for me within the past few days. I am just on such an emotional rollercoaster that I really don't know when I am coming and going half the time. My moods change rapidly and it's scary for me :( I am just not sure why this is, so it's not only frustrating for me but it's confusing as well.
MG tries to understand what is going on with me but I know it frustrates him as well but it's not like I do this on purpose, I am just as frustrated as he is. When he asks me what is wrong there are alot of times where I can't explain what is wrong because I don't know alot of times. I am going through alot of changes right now and I think that my stress level just gets to it's limits and then I have a complete meltdown.
I guess in a way I am trying to find my place and where I fit in. When I was younger and met my first husband I knew at that time what I wanted and I knew where my place was when it came to our relationship. I wanted to please him and be the best wife possible and that meant to be submissive, obedient, and compliant. I knew what he expected and it is easy to please someone you love when you know what they want and what they expect from you.
Now everything has changed and I am not sure where I fit and not sure what is expected from me. Of course I know all of the basics and that is just a given. But when MG says certain things I take it very personally and it upsets me and when I am upset I can be the biggest brat in the world. I am stubborn and when I am hurting I tend to want to hurt the person who has hurt me....that is a normal human response!
I love MG and I love what we have togather but what I don't love is the problems that we have with communication. Communication is very important in any relationship but I feel that it is even more important in a DD relationship because if there is not good communication then someone is going to be unhappy. What I don't like is what MG says to me sometimes. I don't think he really means certain things he says , he just doesn't think how it's going to effect me.
Right now I don't feel at all submissive in this relationship and that is not good when it's a D/s relationship. MG has taken alot of that away from me, and it's really frustrating and upsetting to me. And the one thing that I feel I am doing right and I am good at he basically shoots it down with his comments. Right now I don't feel like I am completley taking care of MG , and that bothers me. I took care of my ex-husband for ten years in a very abusive marriage , but yet I can't do that for this man I love with all of my heart because he sets the tone in that way. I am just having a hard time with it all, and that is the reason why I am in this emotional upheaval all of the time.
MG tries to understand what is going on with me but I know it frustrates him as well but it's not like I do this on purpose, I am just as frustrated as he is. When he asks me what is wrong there are alot of times where I can't explain what is wrong because I don't know alot of times. I am going through alot of changes right now and I think that my stress level just gets to it's limits and then I have a complete meltdown.
I guess in a way I am trying to find my place and where I fit in. When I was younger and met my first husband I knew at that time what I wanted and I knew where my place was when it came to our relationship. I wanted to please him and be the best wife possible and that meant to be submissive, obedient, and compliant. I knew what he expected and it is easy to please someone you love when you know what they want and what they expect from you.
Now everything has changed and I am not sure where I fit and not sure what is expected from me. Of course I know all of the basics and that is just a given. But when MG says certain things I take it very personally and it upsets me and when I am upset I can be the biggest brat in the world. I am stubborn and when I am hurting I tend to want to hurt the person who has hurt me....that is a normal human response!
I love MG and I love what we have togather but what I don't love is the problems that we have with communication. Communication is very important in any relationship but I feel that it is even more important in a DD relationship because if there is not good communication then someone is going to be unhappy. What I don't like is what MG says to me sometimes. I don't think he really means certain things he says , he just doesn't think how it's going to effect me.
Right now I don't feel at all submissive in this relationship and that is not good when it's a D/s relationship. MG has taken alot of that away from me, and it's really frustrating and upsetting to me. And the one thing that I feel I am doing right and I am good at he basically shoots it down with his comments. Right now I don't feel like I am completley taking care of MG , and that bothers me. I took care of my ex-husband for ten years in a very abusive marriage , but yet I can't do that for this man I love with all of my heart because he sets the tone in that way. I am just having a hard time with it all, and that is the reason why I am in this emotional upheaval all of the time.
Labels: D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, sad
Friday, September 14, 2007
A new ME??
Well I am truly confused, and I guess not as upset as I should be but I know that MG loves me therefore I have nothing to worry about right? This is where my thinking has been today since I found something out that I was not probably supposed to find out but the fact of the matter is I did, and somehow I am not going into a jealous fit of rage nor am I angry towards him over it ...is this the new Michelle emerging? I have never been the type of woman to be "JEALOUS" but since meeting MG, and since dating him for several months before we moved in togather I have found that I can be the jealous type, and that is something that is not becoming of me at all, and I don't like it! All jealousy shows is how insecure a person is with themself and I hate showing that.
I know that MG truly loves me for me , and he doesn't love me for anything else other than for me as a person, as a whole person. He doesn't pick and choose, he doesn't set any high standards for me in order for him to show his love towards me, and there are no conditions set on his love for me. It took me awhile to really "BELIEVE" that he loved me and I am ashamed to admit that but it's true. I know alot of it is because of how I percieve love and how it should be and because I am not able to give him this perfect, thin, model like woman that I know he deserves I hated myself for that. There are days where I still feel sad that I can't be what he is attracted to and I will have my moments with that but I feel that I am striving towards getting better with that.
It's sad that we live in a world where "looks", and "body size" matters so much that other beautiful qualities in a person are overlooked. It's sad that girls today have to grow up thinking if they are not thin enough, or pretty enough then they won't matter , or they won't be as successful in career, dating, marriage,ect. ect. This is why there are problems with girls as young as five, six , and seven years old who have eating disorders , even before they reach puberty. Growing up I fought to keep myself as thin, as perfect, and as pretty as possible because those were the standards that were taught to me. I was told I would never get anywhere in life as a fat person therefore I made sure I never gained an ounce of weight, and I didn't up until my mid-twenties and that is when the real world peered it's ugly head at me and I found out that what my parents taught me was shockingly true.
Now at the age of 33 years old I am a heavy, and an overweight female living in a society where being "fat" is not acceptable by any standards, and it's all around you so they never let you forget. Unless you are an overweight female you have no idea what I am talking about , it's something you have to experience for yourself in order to see what I am saying. After ten years of abuse from a husband who did not love me nor care about me I am now trying to fix what he tore down , and that is my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image. You know how the bible says that it's not good for a father to break thier child's spirit , well it's equally not good for a husband to break thier wife's spirit. I have been broken and crushed by a husband who didn't care or love me and now I am struggling to fix what he has broken. Once you say mean and cruel things to someone you can't EVER take those words back, words HURT, and the saying "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me", well I disagree with that statement. Words do hurt and they cause emotional pain , in fact it's alot worse than any physical pain you will ever go through. So what is the moral here? All I know is this part of my life is only going to make me stronger , and once I get through it to the point where I can look back and have it not bother me anymore then I will be a stronger person for it, and maybe , just maybe I will be able to help someone else who is hurting the same ways I have hurt!
I know that MG truly loves me for me , and he doesn't love me for anything else other than for me as a person, as a whole person. He doesn't pick and choose, he doesn't set any high standards for me in order for him to show his love towards me, and there are no conditions set on his love for me. It took me awhile to really "BELIEVE" that he loved me and I am ashamed to admit that but it's true. I know alot of it is because of how I percieve love and how it should be and because I am not able to give him this perfect, thin, model like woman that I know he deserves I hated myself for that. There are days where I still feel sad that I can't be what he is attracted to and I will have my moments with that but I feel that I am striving towards getting better with that.
It's sad that we live in a world where "looks", and "body size" matters so much that other beautiful qualities in a person are overlooked. It's sad that girls today have to grow up thinking if they are not thin enough, or pretty enough then they won't matter , or they won't be as successful in career, dating, marriage,ect. ect. This is why there are problems with girls as young as five, six , and seven years old who have eating disorders , even before they reach puberty. Growing up I fought to keep myself as thin, as perfect, and as pretty as possible because those were the standards that were taught to me. I was told I would never get anywhere in life as a fat person therefore I made sure I never gained an ounce of weight, and I didn't up until my mid-twenties and that is when the real world peered it's ugly head at me and I found out that what my parents taught me was shockingly true.
Now at the age of 33 years old I am a heavy, and an overweight female living in a society where being "fat" is not acceptable by any standards, and it's all around you so they never let you forget. Unless you are an overweight female you have no idea what I am talking about , it's something you have to experience for yourself in order to see what I am saying. After ten years of abuse from a husband who did not love me nor care about me I am now trying to fix what he tore down , and that is my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image. You know how the bible says that it's not good for a father to break thier child's spirit , well it's equally not good for a husband to break thier wife's spirit. I have been broken and crushed by a husband who didn't care or love me and now I am struggling to fix what he has broken. Once you say mean and cruel things to someone you can't EVER take those words back, words HURT, and the saying "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me", well I disagree with that statement. Words do hurt and they cause emotional pain , in fact it's alot worse than any physical pain you will ever go through. So what is the moral here? All I know is this part of my life is only going to make me stronger , and once I get through it to the point where I can look back and have it not bother me anymore then I will be a stronger person for it, and maybe , just maybe I will be able to help someone else who is hurting the same ways I have hurt!
Labels: feelings, My Thoughts
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Random thoughts about how I feel!
I am feeling anxious today! It's been a bad day and I don't feel the hottest physically and the way I feel emotionally doesn't surprise me since my emotions are at a high and low alot these days! I am trying to find a balance in my life but I am having a hard time finding that pathway. I know that I need to learn how to balance out life and D/s , but again my past is stopping me from doing that.
I am just so sad alot and there are times when I know why but then there are times when I don't understand why. It's a very confusing thing when it happens several times a week. There are times where I am emotionally hurting so much that I just want the pain to end and I would do anything for it to stop :( Then there are times when I feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can tear me down...it's an up and down emotional roller coaster and it's frustrating to live like this.
I want to feel normal again ...I want peace in my life ...I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and love me again...I want to be able to feel good about myself and not care what others think. I want to feel secure again ...I want to feel safe!!
I am just so sad alot and there are times when I know why but then there are times when I don't understand why. It's a very confusing thing when it happens several times a week. There are times where I am emotionally hurting so much that I just want the pain to end and I would do anything for it to stop :( Then there are times when I feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can tear me down...it's an up and down emotional roller coaster and it's frustrating to live like this.
I want to feel normal again ...I want peace in my life ...I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and love me again...I want to be able to feel good about myself and not care what others think. I want to feel secure again ...I want to feel safe!!
Labels: D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Hurting physically & emotionally today
I am feeling emotionally disconnected today! Last nite was a terrible nite with MG and I feel really bad about how I acted out in such a childish way :( I just don't like the person I have turned into and I am not sure how to change or if I will ever be able to change. I tend to blame my past for how I am and I know it's a weak excuse but my past has molded me into the person I am today therefore how can I NOT blame my past.
When I get angry with MG I tend to withdraw from him completely because I am so angry that I am afraid to communicate with him because I don't want my temper to get the best of me and say something totally out of line or hurtful therefore I get quiet and just want him to leave me alone. I know that this hurts him and I hate when I do this but I don't know how else to handle it. He wants me to communicate and when I try to I then use bad language to express how I am feeling but he does not like that nor does he approve of it and has told me that it's not acceptable, so that just makes me angry and I tell him I am not talking then. It's a vicious cycle and I do try but I guess not hard enough :(
I honestly don't know why I do this because in my last DD/D/s relationship I was not like this but at the same time I was very afraid of him because he instilled a fear in me early in our marriage which I later learned and found out that this was abuse and is the reason why I got out of it. I am not afraid of MG which I think is the problem....I am used to respecting a Dom out of fear not out of love and I know that I have to work on this. I am so used to almost total control and now that I don't have it I get frustrated at times. I know that I frustrate MG to, it's an emotional roller coaster and it's not fair to him so I am determined to change. I love him enough to change this for him, for me, and for our relationship!!
The one thing we have talked about is when I get in my moods where I don't want to talk to him or where I am being disrespectful I want him to do something about it and last nite he did so I am happy that at least what we have talked about before, he actually heard me and did something about my mood last nite. I think my main problem is I feel he doesn't hear what I say, and that is another reason why I withdraw instead of communicate. It's frustrating that I have to act like a total brat for him to do something about it ....I am used to being in a relationship where I just was not allowed to act that way, so I have alot of adjusting to do and sometimes I don't think he understands how hard this is for me.
Last nite was the worst nite of our relationship, at least in my opinion and by my persepective. I was totally out of control, and I decided to be a brat and I just didn't care at the time. He had hurt me therefore by God I was determined to hurt him back. I didn't even care or think about the consequences because in my mind I was the right one and he was the wrong one. I turned off my cell phone and decided to ignore all of his phone calls because that is how angry I was. When he got home he was angry but again I didn't care and I just was being smart and practically laughed in his face.
He asked me to tell him what he did and I refused and told him I was not going to talk. I think that made him mad because before I knew it he was telling me to stand up and hands on the bed. I was just so angry because I couldn't believe he was going to spank me when I was so emotionally upset , but this is what I had told him that I needed when I acted this way so I don't know why I was so upset. Why didn't I just talk to him like he had asked? I didn't want spanked but I knew that I needed it and apparently he knew it too because that is what I got! He had me crying which rarely happens when he spanks me (I have a very high pain tolerance so crying is hard for me to do). Finally he had me to the point where I just decided to talk to him because I wanted the spanking to stop. I told him how I felt and what was wrong but I didn't like his answers , and I still don't like what he said.
He says he doesn't understand why I have to consume his time but I don't feel that I do that. I feel what I have asked is not unreasonable. If I was consuming his time then I wouldn't want him visiting with friends at the cigar shop, and I sure wouldn't want him playing with others. I feel that I am being fair, and I know that I am NOT an overbearing girlfriend. I have never been the overbearing type in all of the relationships I have had. But what I do expect is it to be fair to me. In my last relationship things started going sour little by little and he slowly started not spending time with me and it was so slowly that I didn't notice it therefore when it got really bad it was to late for me to try and do something about it. I was much younger and dumber then and with that experience behind my belt I now know what signs to look for and I don't plan on allowing that to happen again!
Being in a relationship that is lonely is very miserable....I know because I experienced it for ten years with my ex and if I have to be in that type of relationship again then I would rather be single. Did I deserve the spanking last nite? Yes I did ...after thinking about it today I understand why he had to but it's hard for me to admit it. I guess it's because I don't like being wrong and it's hard to admit when your wrong. I am just physically, and emotionally hurting and that is why the crying today. I hate the way I feel today :( I am hoping that things will get better!!
When I get angry with MG I tend to withdraw from him completely because I am so angry that I am afraid to communicate with him because I don't want my temper to get the best of me and say something totally out of line or hurtful therefore I get quiet and just want him to leave me alone. I know that this hurts him and I hate when I do this but I don't know how else to handle it. He wants me to communicate and when I try to I then use bad language to express how I am feeling but he does not like that nor does he approve of it and has told me that it's not acceptable, so that just makes me angry and I tell him I am not talking then. It's a vicious cycle and I do try but I guess not hard enough :(
I honestly don't know why I do this because in my last DD/D/s relationship I was not like this but at the same time I was very afraid of him because he instilled a fear in me early in our marriage which I later learned and found out that this was abuse and is the reason why I got out of it. I am not afraid of MG which I think is the problem....I am used to respecting a Dom out of fear not out of love and I know that I have to work on this. I am so used to almost total control and now that I don't have it I get frustrated at times. I know that I frustrate MG to, it's an emotional roller coaster and it's not fair to him so I am determined to change. I love him enough to change this for him, for me, and for our relationship!!
The one thing we have talked about is when I get in my moods where I don't want to talk to him or where I am being disrespectful I want him to do something about it and last nite he did so I am happy that at least what we have talked about before, he actually heard me and did something about my mood last nite. I think my main problem is I feel he doesn't hear what I say, and that is another reason why I withdraw instead of communicate. It's frustrating that I have to act like a total brat for him to do something about it ....I am used to being in a relationship where I just was not allowed to act that way, so I have alot of adjusting to do and sometimes I don't think he understands how hard this is for me.
Last nite was the worst nite of our relationship, at least in my opinion and by my persepective. I was totally out of control, and I decided to be a brat and I just didn't care at the time. He had hurt me therefore by God I was determined to hurt him back. I didn't even care or think about the consequences because in my mind I was the right one and he was the wrong one. I turned off my cell phone and decided to ignore all of his phone calls because that is how angry I was. When he got home he was angry but again I didn't care and I just was being smart and practically laughed in his face.
He asked me to tell him what he did and I refused and told him I was not going to talk. I think that made him mad because before I knew it he was telling me to stand up and hands on the bed. I was just so angry because I couldn't believe he was going to spank me when I was so emotionally upset , but this is what I had told him that I needed when I acted this way so I don't know why I was so upset. Why didn't I just talk to him like he had asked? I didn't want spanked but I knew that I needed it and apparently he knew it too because that is what I got! He had me crying which rarely happens when he spanks me (I have a very high pain tolerance so crying is hard for me to do). Finally he had me to the point where I just decided to talk to him because I wanted the spanking to stop. I told him how I felt and what was wrong but I didn't like his answers , and I still don't like what he said.
He says he doesn't understand why I have to consume his time but I don't feel that I do that. I feel what I have asked is not unreasonable. If I was consuming his time then I wouldn't want him visiting with friends at the cigar shop, and I sure wouldn't want him playing with others. I feel that I am being fair, and I know that I am NOT an overbearing girlfriend. I have never been the overbearing type in all of the relationships I have had. But what I do expect is it to be fair to me. In my last relationship things started going sour little by little and he slowly started not spending time with me and it was so slowly that I didn't notice it therefore when it got really bad it was to late for me to try and do something about it. I was much younger and dumber then and with that experience behind my belt I now know what signs to look for and I don't plan on allowing that to happen again!
Being in a relationship that is lonely is very miserable....I know because I experienced it for ten years with my ex and if I have to be in that type of relationship again then I would rather be single. Did I deserve the spanking last nite? Yes I did ...after thinking about it today I understand why he had to but it's hard for me to admit it. I guess it's because I don't like being wrong and it's hard to admit when your wrong. I am just physically, and emotionally hurting and that is why the crying today. I hate the way I feel today :( I am hoping that things will get better!!
Labels: bratting, breaking rules, D/s relationships, feelings, lonely, My Thoughts, sad, Spanking Related, topping from the bottom
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Trying to cope
Trying to cope is hard sometimes. I feel as if I get ahead and then I end up taking ten steps back and I am back where I started. I think I have done pretty well with not much crying lately ..that is up until today! I guess I am just hard on myself and I have my ex to thank for that :( I just wish that I could not let things bother me ...I wish I could be more tough, less sensitive, and have more of a "fuck" you attitude. But instead I allow others to upset me easily and I end up hurting myself over it.
I am tired of hurting, the emotional hurt I have had in my life has definantly made it's mark on me for the rest of my life. I definantly have the emotional scars to prove that. They say that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle but I am at the end of my rope with handling anymore emotional pain. I wonder how much more can I really take before something truly bad is going to happen to me. I just feel worthless, alone, and scared and there is nothing good about feeling that way :( Trying to cope is getting harder for me to deal with!!
I am tired of hurting, the emotional hurt I have had in my life has definantly made it's mark on me for the rest of my life. I definantly have the emotional scars to prove that. They say that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle but I am at the end of my rope with handling anymore emotional pain. I wonder how much more can I really take before something truly bad is going to happen to me. I just feel worthless, alone, and scared and there is nothing good about feeling that way :( Trying to cope is getting harder for me to deal with!!
Labels: feelings, lonely, My Thoughts, neglected, sad