Brat Out Of Control

I am feeling really guilty and I think it's because I allow myself to make no mistakes but I know that this is impossible because no body is perfect. But I strive to be perfect in my relationship with MG because if I am not then I have this fear that he will leave me and that I know I could not handle. I know why I am this way but I am not sure how to change it so I can start feeling secure in this relationship. I hate feeling insecure the way I do, it's not healthy for me and it shows that I am weak.

MG told me that the cell phone bill was double of what it usually is and I just thought that Sprint had made some major mistakes on the billing and I told MG that I would like to see what they were talking about because one thing that I am is very careful about talking on my cell phone during the day ...I have always been careful with that, let's just say I was trained very well in my last relationship. So last nite we look at it online and there it was in black and white ....I had made several calls during the day and I had several incoming calls during the day as well that made the bill extremley high so it was definantly my fault :(

I was so upset with myself because I am always really careful especially when it comes to money because right now we are struggling and the last thing I want to do is make undue money problems to add to the rest of our problems. I apologized to MG and he didn't seem to be to upset with me, in fact he didn't seem to be upset with me at all which I am not used to in a relationship...especially when it was my fault that the bill was so high. He told me not to worry about it and left it at that. But here I am worrying about it and feeling really guitly about it.

I thought for sure he would have punished me for this but instead that nite he suggested that we have an erotic spanking play nite which I love those type and the more we do the more I enjoy them and the easier I am getting comfortable with him doing them to me. In my last relationship I would have been beat silly for going over in day minutes on my cell phone but here was this sweet guy treating me like a queen, giving me an erotic spanking and telling me not to worry about it. But this makes me feel even more guilty , not that I am appreciative of having a decent man in my life for once , but for some reason I still feel absolutley awful and guilty for creating a money issue in our relationship. I almost told him to punish me for it but then that would be topping from the bottom and I am trying not to do that anymore.

So where does this all leave me ....CONFUSED I guess is the word!

Labels: breaking rules, D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, sad, Spanking Related, topping from the bottom

At first I was going to do a post here about how MAD I was at MG but after thinking it through and getting some advice from some very close friends on the subject I decided that it would not be fair of me to be that much of a "brat" because after all I am the one who has wanted him to apply the three C's to this relationship. The three C's that I need are Consenquences (when I have disobeyed any of the rules he has set), Consistency (all of the time, not just some of the time), and Control (but not to the point of micromanaging me). He demostrated all three of those on Thursday nite! I have to admit that I was testing him a bit and let's just say that it worked very well , well for him but not for my butt!

After he spanked me for being a brat I was so angry with him but it didn't make sense for me to be angry with him because this is what I had wanted all along , wasn't it? I had to really re-evaulate the situation and re-evaluate the reasons why I was so angry with him. I wasn't angry about him spanking me because I felt it was very well deserved but I was more angry that he didn't let me explain why I hadn't answered the phone and that is where I felt that he didn't understand my feelings nor did he want to understand them at that time , all he wanted to do was spank me for being such a brat. This was actually the very first time in my relationship with him that I truly felt "punished", and really "ashamed" of myself and the situation that I got myself into.

This is the type of spanking that I want to avoid at all costs with him again ....I didn't like it....and for me this is a breakthrough ....because I love getting spanked , in fact so much that he spanks me in play anywhere from 2-5 times a week depending. But this spanking was so much different from that. He was seriously upset with me and he wanted to spank the day lights out of me for what I had done , and that side of him I have never seen. I worried him, disappointed him, and it made me feel bad, I didn't like the way I felt before, during, or after this spanking. I know he loves me and I know he punished me to show me that I can't do that kind of thing and he won't put up with that type of behavior whatsoever. He punished me, I didn't like it but who does, and I understood not to do this again.

He definantly got his point across and every time I sit I am reminded to NEVER worry him again! So I know I deserved the spanking, and I deserve to be sore for a few days, I guess I just didn't really want to admit it at first, and I guess that is because it would make me look weak, and in my last relationship I was made to be weak, and I had no choice but to give up total control and now in this relationship I am almost afraid to give up that total control because then that would mean I am totally dependent on him and even though I want to be submissive, I don't want to give up my independence! I love being submissive for MG, but sometimes he won't allow me to be , and it frustrates me but then when he expects the submissivness and I refuse to comply then it confuses him too.

He told me that he wants a brat, but he also wants a woman who is independent and can excercise self-control and not act like some eight year old. I have to learn how to brat at the right times, and I have to learn not to brat with the major things. I think that we will get all of this straight once we are togather longer, it just takes time for all of the wrinkles to come out. I did tell him last nite that I need his help with my attitude, and mood swings and he said he would help with that. I think if he would take more control and not allow me to act that way then I wouldn't. I think all I want is him to say " Ok Michelle I am not going to allow you to act in this manner with me because all your doing is destroying our relationship and I won't allow you to do that because I love you and I know you love me". If he would take that approach then I know it would be better for us both and for our relationship.

Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, Spanking Related

Well so much for my break from the blogging world. Although I tried, I got some emails from regular readers that were not to happy about my break and to be honest with you know matter how stressed out I get I always find that blogging helps me to relieve that stress, most of the time anyways! So I gave in and I am back for now. My life has been hectic, busy, and stressful. I sometimes feel as if the world is just passing me by and I am at a stand still.

I have been thinking about changing the title to my blog to something different but the more I think about doing it I chicken out because I have had this blog for almost a year now and somehow changing the title just doesn't seem right. I am a Brat Out Of Control still!!! I am still not sure if I will ever be under control :( For some reason I want to continue to test MG and I think it's because I am not satisfied that he really truly understands me and my needs of discipline and control therefore I brat because I am frustrated with it all. There are alot of days where I wish that I could just forget about spanking, D/s and the whole lifestyle but that is just not going to happen, it's to late for that!

D/s is the only thing that I have that makes me happy and I just refuse to give it up that easily. I really want to be 100 percent happy but is that realisitic? Is anyone truly 100 percent happy? I don't think that is possible for anyone. I decided to make a list here of things that make me truly happy in my life!

Things that make Michelle happy!

* getting spanked (of course)- this is something that I need and crave quite often. Right now it's the only intimate connection that I have with MG so it's important to me.

* MG - he makes me happy because he loves me for me and doesn't set any conditions on that love.

* Intimacy/sex - this one is ify because of course sexual pleasure can make you happy at the moment but the real happiness comes when you are having an intimate relationship with the person that you love, and not just getting but giving sexual pleasure to the one you love can make you happy to know that your giving your whole self to that person in the most intimate manner there is, which would be sexual intercourse.

* blogging ( a definant stress reliever and when I am not stressed out I am a much happier person)

* my faith- believing in God and having my faith makes me happy. Happy to know that when family fails you, friends fail you, your mate fails you that God will never fail you.

* my friends and family make me happy and I feel blessed to have them in my life.

I can't think of any thing else but I am sure that I will be able to add to this in the future.

Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, Sex, Spanking Related

With alot of thought and consideration I have decided that it would be best to take a break from the blogging world for awhile. Due to health and personal problems it's just to much for me to handle at this time in my life. Right now it's hard for me to blog about my life, the lifestyle, and spanking in general. This is not a permanent goodbye just a leave of abscence if you will. I want to thank all of the friends that I have made here and who regularly email me...you guys have been great! I am not really sure of how long I will be taking this break but I will know when it's time to start blogging again...I just need to get myself togather and deal with some of the problems I have right now and in order to do that I have to leave here for awhile to gather my thoughts and deal with it all. Any of you who wish to contact me you can do so through my email.
Until then ....goodbye!

Labels: feelings, lonely, My Thoughts, neglected, sad

In response to alot of my readers who email me , I want to thankyou for reading here and I am glad that it's as enjoyable for you to read as it is for me to write. I know I have been slacking in my blogging here but it's not because I don't enjoy it but because life has taken over. I am now working full-time, trying to prepare to go back to college to finish my teaching degree, and then just trying to survive! I am going to start writing here less often, like once a month but in no way am I closing down my blog.

Life has been good to me lately! I can say that I am truly blessed and if and when I do complain I really have no right too, things could be alot worse. MG and I are getting along and I think we have both adjusted to each other pretty well for the most part. There are still problems but what relationship doesn't have those? Many of my readers email to ask me what I see in a guy who is so much older than me (26 yrs older)? I want to address that here because to email everyone back would be impossible LOL.

I have always liked dating older guys , it has always been in my blood. Oh yeah I tried dating guys my age or just a couple years older and it never worked out, they were either very inmature, or we didn't connect on certain levels for a variety of reasons. The most important factor for me was I needed to be with someone that could "handle" me and most guys my age or a little younger never could do that. I am definantly a brat and the guy I am with has to know how to handle that. I have never seen age differences as a factor in a relationship, at least it has never been a factor in any of my relationships, past or present!

MG has proven to me that he can handle me whether I am acting bratty or not! Our relationship works for several reasons the main one being is that we both love, respect, and absolutley adore each other. I could not imagine my life without him! We have connected on so many levels and the amazing part is we met online, and in the early days when we used to chat for hours online everyday there was an emotional connection even then and when we met for the very first time that connection was still there but stronger! I just am comfortable with someone who is older than me because that is what I need and want and I wouldn't want it any other way!

Our age difference does not bother me in the least, although MG has admitted to me that in the begining it bothered him a little but now he has told me that he doesn't even think about it. We have alot in common for such a big age difference which is important in any relationship. We don't get bored with each other, and we never run out of anything to talk about. Now there are some downfalls because everything isn't perfect , especially when it comes to relationships. There are some times when I feel very intimidated by his age to when there is a problem I have a hard time communicating with him about it and this is a very real problem and I am dealing with it to make it better for us both. Other times I sometimes feel that he views me as a kid because he has a hard time allowing me to get things done because he is so used to just doing them himself but he is working on that and it seems to have gotten better. So there are advantages and disadvantages to it but nothing more or less than if him and I were the same age. So I hope that answers the question!

Ok on to another subject! Spanking LOL ....of course I would talk about this since this is a spanking blog! I got spanked last nite for two things actually! Last nite I had insinuated to MG that he was not spanking me hard enough , well that was a HUGE MISTAKE! He decided to show me just how hard he could spank and he did. I got into trouble with him because I had been slacking off in writing in my diet journal and we had made an agreement that I would write everything I ate down in a journal and he would check it on a nightly basis. Well I was getting a little irritated with him because there were nites that he would skip checking it so to be a brat I decided to stop writing in it all togather because after all he was not checking it anyways. I left the journal at home yesterday when I am supposed to take it to work with me so I can write what I eat down. Well he decides to read it yesterday while I was at work and he saw that I hadn't been writing in it for the past few days. So he spanked me for not writing in my food journal, which I can't say that I didn't deserve the spanking because I did. I need that accountability and motivation because it helps me. Let's just say that last nite I saw the light and today I have my food journal with me and I am writing everything that I eat down. The spanking was a hard one and one that I had a hard time staying still for which is usually not a problem for me. Today I am very sore , which he usually doesn't spank me hard enough for me to be sore the next day!

You see we have spanking play quite a bit and that is exactly how he views it as "play" and "fun", and because of my past relationship I have always viewed a "spanking" as something unpleasant, not fun, and for punishment only! MG has shown me that we can also have fun with the spanking and the more I get used to that the more I like it. But last nite was for punishment and how I could tell was because he was lecturing me and spanking me harder than usual. As time goes on I am having an easier time recognizing when we play for fun vs. when he spanks me for true punishment. I am finally starting to enjoy our spanking relationship since I can tell the differences between the two types of spankings , and I don't crave to be punished all the time as much as I used to when we first started! Things have definantly gotten better with us when it comes to D/s and DD. I can say that I now will be writing in my food journal everyday that I am supposed too because he definantly got his point across last nite, and I have the sore butt to prove it :)

Labels: bratting, breaking rules, D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, Spanking Related

I got spanked the other nite for acting like a "brat". I guess in some sort of secret way I was trying to see how far I could get with MG , or see how far I can push him. We were grocery shopping and I was already mad at him and not a very happy camper , and it just progressed to the point of me yelling at him in public, and I said "fucking" whatever to him which I know he hates when I cuss. It's not becoming to a lady when they cuss is how he sees it. He didn't say much in the store to me about my behavior, he just gave me that "look", at which point I could have cared less. We got done with the grocery shopping and in the car there was just "silence" , I was soo mad that I didn't say a word to him, all I could do was sit there in the dark car and cry in silence as he drove us home. We got home, put the groceries away in silence and I went upstairs to get ready for bed. I was sitting on our bed when he walked in and decided to put his laptop away and then he went to the closet and got out some spanking implements and told me to stand up. I was not happy at all and I just thought "how dare he spank me for this when this was his fault". I didn't say a word to him , I just did what I was told and he spanked me and I started to cry ...which is unusual for me even during a discipline spanking , I never usually cry but on this particular nite I did cry. I cried because I truly felt bad for what I said to him and how I embarrassed him in a public place and even though I didn't want to admit it I knew I deserved the spanking. MG and I are still trying to figure out a good way of living the lifestyle where we both are content with it. He isn't comfortable with a DD type and I am not comfortable without it. I need more control than he gives and I think I retaliate because he isn't doing his job...at least that is how I feel about it. There has to be alot of give and less taking in this kind of relationship and we are both learning that along with compromise, and patience. I always feel like I am "topping from the bottom" and that is because he is not consistent enough and I get frustrated and emotional over it. But I was happy that he recognized that I needed to be set straight on who is the boss in this relationship on that nite , so I was happy to get spanked for my misbehavior and I am hoping that this is a start of him being more consistent with me!

Labels: bratting, breaking rules, D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, Spanking Related, topping from the bottom