Brat Out Of Control
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thoughts on last nite/thoughts about my emotions & feelings!
I had a really bad nite with crying myself to sleep therefore I have the headache from hell today (which I guess serves me right). I am really sick of being so flipping sensitive, I wish that I could just be a cold hearted bitch where I can just be numb to all of my emotions! I am not sure what quality is better ...being sensitive, kind, and warm hearted or being cold, insensitive, and numb to my feelings and emotions? I am not sure what I do wrong in relationships to where I always seem to get an "insensitive" guy! I am trying to figure out if I should mask my feelings and emotions from MG in order to have peace in our relationship ...I mean if I just would shut out all of the hurt then maybe he will love me more! But then I figure that is the wrong way because that is what I did in my last relationship , I would mask my feelings and emotions in order to get my ex to love and accept me more ...do I really want to go back to doing that in yet another relationship? I am really trying to sort these things out in my head.
What I tend to do is bottle up all of my feelings and emotions and then later on explode into either an angry outburst or I start "bratting" and I don't care what I do ....I do it without thinking and then later on when it's already done I end up feeling like this terrible person who doesn't even deserve to have anyone love her :( Everyone who has ever said they loved me has hurt me in some way and that is what I am trying to figure out too! From being sexually abused as a kid to physically abused as an adult , I just wonder if anyone has ever really loved me!
Last nite MG pissed me off , so in retaliation I told him not to "fuck" with me and I only said it because he had upset me and the only time I ever use bad language is when I am really mad or very hurt. I truly felt bad after I had said it but it was to late, I said it and I wasn't about to take it back....I wanted him to know I was mad at him and hurt at the same time. After that what does he do? Not a damn thing! I sometimes "test" him to see his reaction or to see what I can actually get away with and everytime he fails the test I end up upset and crying. It's like he doesn't care about the relationship so he will just allow me to destroy what we have. He doesn't want to ever take action as a Dom should and I about give up! So after the "fight" , what do I do? I go to take a shower and I sit in the tub, shower water running and cry! I don't know what else to do but cry at this point :(
What I tend to do is bottle up all of my feelings and emotions and then later on explode into either an angry outburst or I start "bratting" and I don't care what I do ....I do it without thinking and then later on when it's already done I end up feeling like this terrible person who doesn't even deserve to have anyone love her :( Everyone who has ever said they loved me has hurt me in some way and that is what I am trying to figure out too! From being sexually abused as a kid to physically abused as an adult , I just wonder if anyone has ever really loved me!
Last nite MG pissed me off , so in retaliation I told him not to "fuck" with me and I only said it because he had upset me and the only time I ever use bad language is when I am really mad or very hurt. I truly felt bad after I had said it but it was to late, I said it and I wasn't about to take it back....I wanted him to know I was mad at him and hurt at the same time. After that what does he do? Not a damn thing! I sometimes "test" him to see his reaction or to see what I can actually get away with and everytime he fails the test I end up upset and crying. It's like he doesn't care about the relationship so he will just allow me to destroy what we have. He doesn't want to ever take action as a Dom should and I about give up! So after the "fight" , what do I do? I go to take a shower and I sit in the tub, shower water running and cry! I don't know what else to do but cry at this point :(
Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, feelings, lonely, My Thoughts, neglected, sad, Spanking Related, topping from the bottom
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Reflections on my relationship with MG
I have not updated here in awhile and I thought that I would just give everyone a quick update to what is going on in my life. MG and I are doing ok , there are a few problems but what relationship doesn't have some type of issues going on especially when there is D/s involved. Overall I am happy although there are some things that could change to make me happier. I have alot going on in my life right now and it makes the situation even more stressful. I am not used to the pressures of financial issues, and problems and that is because I was guarded from that in my last relationship. I think to a point that has hurt me for the most part, but I have to be honest, that is the part I did like in my last relationship. The fact that I didn't have to worry about money, bills, or responsibilities was a relief. But such is life and things have changed!
Last nite I was upset and crying in bed until MG made me talk to him ....I find it hard talking to him about alot of issues and I guess because most of the subjects are sensitive in nature and also because I am afraid of his reactions to it. I know communication is a very important factor in a relationship, I have learned this from my last relationship but there are sometimes that I am frozen in fear ....I know what I want to say to MG and I am thinking it in my head but I am so afraid to allow it to come from my mouth and tell him. I know I need to work on this and I am truly trying to work on it but it is hard sometimes.
There are just alot of things about our relationship that I have to learn to deal with and accept and for the most part I have , that is until he decides to do something to make me feel unsecure about myself as a woman. I have learned to accept that we will never be sexually intimate with each other but yet right in front of me he is looking at woman younger than me and he always does it in a manner where he knows I am sure to notice it, and it just hurts alot. I wonder why can't he look at me like that, why can't his eyes light up when I pass him by like his eyes light up when looking at another woman. It really bothers me and makes me wonder why he even wants to be with me. So there are obstacles in our relationship that we must beat in order for me to feel right in this relationship.
Then there is the D/s and spanking part of the relationship. Things are good as far as the spanking goes although there are times when I truly crave to be punished hard by him but again I have come to accept that he will never do that with me and that I have to deal with on my own. His play spankings are very nice and adequate and I feel satisfied with them but the punishment spankings need working on ...the problem is I never do anything wrong to get into trouble with him , so it's like I have to misbehave on purpose in order to get punished and I think alot of that is going on with me and why I just all of a sudden start up with him, to see how far I can push him but I hate myself after I do that! There is some work that has to be done with the DD ....I am used to more enforcement of rules, and more control than he is willing to give so it's a challenge!
an
Alot of this comes from the issues I have had in the past with D/s and DD. My ex controlled me to the point of micromanaging my entire life of what to wear, if I was allowed to wear makeup to how long I could leave the house if at all ...so I am going from that to essential freedom with MG. I sometimes think I misbehave on purpose or do something I usually would never do just so I can get punished by him. Just so I can have that sense of security, love, and acceptance from him!
Last nite I was upset and crying in bed until MG made me talk to him ....I find it hard talking to him about alot of issues and I guess because most of the subjects are sensitive in nature and also because I am afraid of his reactions to it. I know communication is a very important factor in a relationship, I have learned this from my last relationship but there are sometimes that I am frozen in fear ....I know what I want to say to MG and I am thinking it in my head but I am so afraid to allow it to come from my mouth and tell him. I know I need to work on this and I am truly trying to work on it but it is hard sometimes.
There are just alot of things about our relationship that I have to learn to deal with and accept and for the most part I have , that is until he decides to do something to make me feel unsecure about myself as a woman. I have learned to accept that we will never be sexually intimate with each other but yet right in front of me he is looking at woman younger than me and he always does it in a manner where he knows I am sure to notice it, and it just hurts alot. I wonder why can't he look at me like that, why can't his eyes light up when I pass him by like his eyes light up when looking at another woman. It really bothers me and makes me wonder why he even wants to be with me. So there are obstacles in our relationship that we must beat in order for me to feel right in this relationship.
Then there is the D/s and spanking part of the relationship. Things are good as far as the spanking goes although there are times when I truly crave to be punished hard by him but again I have come to accept that he will never do that with me and that I have to deal with on my own. His play spankings are very nice and adequate and I feel satisfied with them but the punishment spankings need working on ...the problem is I never do anything wrong to get into trouble with him , so it's like I have to misbehave on purpose in order to get punished and I think alot of that is going on with me and why I just all of a sudden start up with him, to see how far I can push him but I hate myself after I do that! There is some work that has to be done with the DD ....I am used to more enforcement of rules, and more control than he is willing to give so it's a challenge!
an
Alot of this comes from the issues I have had in the past with D/s and DD. My ex controlled me to the point of micromanaging my entire life of what to wear, if I was allowed to wear makeup to how long I could leave the house if at all ...so I am going from that to essential freedom with MG. I sometimes think I misbehave on purpose or do something I usually would never do just so I can get punished by him. Just so I can have that sense of security, love, and acceptance from him!
Labels: D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, sad