Brat Out Of Control
Friday, June 29, 2007
Holding on to the past
I have not posted in a few weeks but it's because I have been busy with work, home life, and more work! As someone once said "Such is life". There are so many challenges in my life that I must overcome but I am not sure if I am ever going to overcome some of the serious challenges that I have to face everyday. The only joys in my life are MG, and my job. I enjoy my job and I am not sure where I would be if I couldn't work where I am working now. I work with children and if nothing makes you smile, a child is sure to make you smile when the going gets tough.
I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks again and it's really starting to concern me. They went away for a while but they are coming back and they seem to be worse than before. I really thought I was over what my ex-husband did to me but I guess I was only hoping I was over it. It's like the past haunts me :( He never loved me, he only loved to hurt me in any way he could and I am so angry at myself for allowing it. I tell myself that I was young, naive, and in love and he was older and knew how to manipulate but I wasn't stupid so why did I allow him to abuse me for so many years? I ask myself that question on a daily basis. I know I need to come to a complete peace on all of this but I am not sure how to do that.
I can't let go of my past , at least not yet, not until I get some answers. The most logical answer is he never loved me, he only used me for his personal gain and pleasure but it's not enough for me, it's just not enough. I want to know how a person can hurt someone else in the manner he hurt me. I used to believe that I deserved to be physically, sexually and emotionally abused by him but I am now stronger than that and I know I didn't deserve any of it. I was a good wife to him, a good submissive, I did what he wanted, when he wanted. I gave up my needs because I was more concerned with meeting his needs. But even after evaulating all of this it's still not enough of why? Why did he choose to hurt me? Why did he choose not to love me? I have alot of questions , just no answers but I need the answers in order to heal and get past this so I can let go of the past once and for all!
I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks again and it's really starting to concern me. They went away for a while but they are coming back and they seem to be worse than before. I really thought I was over what my ex-husband did to me but I guess I was only hoping I was over it. It's like the past haunts me :( He never loved me, he only loved to hurt me in any way he could and I am so angry at myself for allowing it. I tell myself that I was young, naive, and in love and he was older and knew how to manipulate but I wasn't stupid so why did I allow him to abuse me for so many years? I ask myself that question on a daily basis. I know I need to come to a complete peace on all of this but I am not sure how to do that.
I can't let go of my past , at least not yet, not until I get some answers. The most logical answer is he never loved me, he only used me for his personal gain and pleasure but it's not enough for me, it's just not enough. I want to know how a person can hurt someone else in the manner he hurt me. I used to believe that I deserved to be physically, sexually and emotionally abused by him but I am now stronger than that and I know I didn't deserve any of it. I was a good wife to him, a good submissive, I did what he wanted, when he wanted. I gave up my needs because I was more concerned with meeting his needs. But even after evaulating all of this it's still not enough of why? Why did he choose to hurt me? Why did he choose not to love me? I have alot of questions , just no answers but I need the answers in order to heal and get past this so I can let go of the past once and for all!
Labels: feelings, My Thoughts, neglected, sad
Friday, June 15, 2007
What is going on with me??
I am feeling a little down today....not sure what is going on inside of me but writing it down here helps me to sort things out and try to figure out what is going on inside of me but most importantly what is going inside my heart! I am trying hard to get excited about my life! There are alot of things that I am thankful for so why am I so down? I remember a time when I used to love life , a time when I was excited about being alive, a time when I saw a bright future for myself and now it's like all of that has been taken away , or shattered somehow. It's like I am in a grieving process but I don't know what I am griveing for or even why!
I feel that I am a very blessed person. God has blessed me in so many ways and sometimes I just get to busy to stop and take a look at what God has given me. I admit that I seem to always look at what I don't have vs. what I do have! But when I focus on the positive then I can see how blessed I really am. I have a wonderful guy in my life and I love him with all of my heart and soul and I would do anything for him. I have a wonderful job and my job brings me great joy ....more joy than I would have ever imagined. There are so many things that I am thankful for , now I have to learn how to focus on the positive more.
I want to once again love life , love myself, and live life to the fullest that I can. I want to be able to wake up every morning with a smile on my face and not have to ask myself the question "Michelle are you going to love yourself or hate yourself today"? I want to automatically wake up and say "Ok Michelle I am going to love me today no matter what happes." I just want to feel normal again!
I am having a hard time dealing with not feeling submissive ...and I am so used to so much control from my last relationship that in this relationship with MG I am having a hard time with hardly no control. I am sometimes to the point where I just give up wanting any control but then that makes it even more difficult for me to feel submissive, and if I don't feel submissive then how am I supposed to act it. It's something I am having a very hard time with and it's a subject that brings me to tears everytime I think about it so I try not to think about it ...but it always comes back to being a real issue and a real problem.
I feel that I am a very blessed person. God has blessed me in so many ways and sometimes I just get to busy to stop and take a look at what God has given me. I admit that I seem to always look at what I don't have vs. what I do have! But when I focus on the positive then I can see how blessed I really am. I have a wonderful guy in my life and I love him with all of my heart and soul and I would do anything for him. I have a wonderful job and my job brings me great joy ....more joy than I would have ever imagined. There are so many things that I am thankful for , now I have to learn how to focus on the positive more.
I want to once again love life , love myself, and live life to the fullest that I can. I want to be able to wake up every morning with a smile on my face and not have to ask myself the question "Michelle are you going to love yourself or hate yourself today"? I want to automatically wake up and say "Ok Michelle I am going to love me today no matter what happes." I just want to feel normal again!
I am having a hard time dealing with not feeling submissive ...and I am so used to so much control from my last relationship that in this relationship with MG I am having a hard time with hardly no control. I am sometimes to the point where I just give up wanting any control but then that makes it even more difficult for me to feel submissive, and if I don't feel submissive then how am I supposed to act it. It's something I am having a very hard time with and it's a subject that brings me to tears everytime I think about it so I try not to think about it ...but it always comes back to being a real issue and a real problem.
Labels: feelings, My Thoughts
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Up & down feelings
Things are going ok with me, just have been busy with working, then spending time with MG on the weekends and everything else in between that has to be done! Life has been good to me and I am happy for the most part. Not completely happy but I don't think there is any such thing as being "completely"happy! I have alot on my mind and some worries and concerns but nothing that is out of the oridnary. There is just this place in my heart that seems to still feel "empty" and I am trying to figure out why and for what reason. I sometimes don't feel complete, and I have had that feeling for a very long time and I thought it would go away but it hasn't. There are some unresolved issues from my past and maybe that is what it is, so I am hoping once those issues are resolved then I will feel more complete and things will be better. I think I am battling depression some and the reason why I think that is because I go through these episodes where I am happy one minute and sad the next. I notice when I think about certain things is when I go through that roller coaster effect. I am determined to beat the depression feelings and get through this thing we call "life". I don't want life beating me down , I have had enough of that, I am ready to take over my life and live it victoriously with my head held high!
Monday, June 04, 2007
Random Thoughts
Things are going good for me and MG ....we are ecstatic that we are finally togather! It's been a long haul but we are finally where we want to be and that is togather. Of course there are issues but what relationship doesn't have them, none that I know of. I am truly blessed to have him a part of my life!
Work has been hectic and I have been under a little stress today but that is a Monday for ya lol! I enjoy my job but there are somedays that I wish I could just win the Texas State Lottery lol....big fantasy ;) But I am blessed to have such a good job because there are others that are not as blessed as me and that is how I have to keep looking at it. My dad always told me to never ever take anything in life for granted because it could be worse or there is always someone out there in a much worse situation than you ....I have carried that piece of advice with me through life and it's sooo true! And when I thought my parents knew nothing ...I am now discovering that they knew what they were talking about lol!
It's funny how when your a kid and you think you know everything and your parents know nothing but then you grow up and you realize that your parents know everything and you know nothing lol. Ever since I hit 30 years old it seems that I discovering I had no idea what I was talking about as a kid or even a young adult and now that I am approaching 34 , I wonder how much more can I learn! Life is funny!
Work has been hectic and I have been under a little stress today but that is a Monday for ya lol! I enjoy my job but there are somedays that I wish I could just win the Texas State Lottery lol....big fantasy ;) But I am blessed to have such a good job because there are others that are not as blessed as me and that is how I have to keep looking at it. My dad always told me to never ever take anything in life for granted because it could be worse or there is always someone out there in a much worse situation than you ....I have carried that piece of advice with me through life and it's sooo true! And when I thought my parents knew nothing ...I am now discovering that they knew what they were talking about lol!
It's funny how when your a kid and you think you know everything and your parents know nothing but then you grow up and you realize that your parents know everything and you know nothing lol. Ever since I hit 30 years old it seems that I discovering I had no idea what I was talking about as a kid or even a young adult and now that I am approaching 34 , I wonder how much more can I learn! Life is funny!