Brat Out Of Control

A question that lingers in my mind is how do you let go of your past in order for it to not interfear with your present circumstances? I am having a really hard time letting go of my past and even a harder time to not compare my present relationship with my past ones :( I physically and emotionally don't feel very well today ...only getting two hours of sleep last nite didn't help matters but only made them worse. My head is killing me and my eyes are puffy from crying ....how is this any kind of life? Working today has been hard for me ...crying every time I start to think and then trying to work with kids isn't a good combination. Talking to a good friend of mine helped some this morning but I still just don't feel very good ...I am just tired!
I am so mad at MG right now that I don't even know how to speak to him ...he wants communication but when I communicate then it's the wrong things being said and what does he do? He decides to not communicate ...besides spanking me out of anger last nite which I am not sure what to think of that at this point...I am just very angry and sad over alot of what happened last nite! He left me to sleep on the living room floor and I was left alone in bed to just cry myself to sleep ...his back was killing him and that was a good excuse to just sleep seperate from me ...which at this point my view on that is "whatever"! I just wish that I could become numb to all of this ..just wish I could no longer feel anything because it is starting to become unbearable for me to deal with it in a healthy way! I am just not sure what to do anymore but it's like my world has been turned upside down and all I can do is stand there and watch it because there is nothing to do except watch it and deal with whatever comes my way :(

Labels: feelings, lonely, My Thoughts, neglected

Just wanted to check in ....I am not journaling as much as I was before and that is because MG and I have been busy and then I have been busy at work and it's hard to find the time to get on an journal! I am still here though, just won't be journaling as much as before. Things are going great with MG and I ...we are having a blast and it's nice to know that when I get home from work he will be there, it's been a long time coming and it's finally here! I am happier than I have ever been ...not as worried about our relationship as before although I am not worry free but more at ease because he was right, there was nothing to worry about!
We have been playing everyday since Saturday ....all the spankings I have recieved from him have been good so far and I have been sore so that is a good sign. I was worried for nothing when it came to the D/s in our relationship ...now I kind of feel foolish but I am glad that he was right and I was wrong! This weekend we are going to try an erotic spanking ...I really have never had any good luck with erotic type spankings and never really have enjoyed them to much but I am willing to give it a try with MG ...he says I just didn't have the right teacher lol ...which he is right so we will see if he is going to be the right teacher :) Alot in my past interfears with the present with me ....I have had alot of bad experiences with D/s ...erotic or discipline...and sex ...so my thinking is mostly negative when it comes to those things but it's time for me to let go of my past at which I am trying very hard to do!

Labels: D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, Sex, Spanking Related

I was WRONG! That is the best way that I can describe it! MG does know how to spank me and our play has been very successful and I feel good about it! I was worrying alot about our D/s and what kinds of problems we might have but I was wrong about that and MG has shown me that! I got spanked on Saturday and Sunday nite and both were ...well let's just say I was very sorry for my speeding tickets and not wearing a seatbelt! I won't be getting anymore speeding tickets or any kind of traffic tickets because MG made it very clear to me :)
It's been soo nice for MG and I to be togather finally ...I love him so much, he is truly a special guy and I am glad that he came into my life! I am finally starting to let go of my past and to embrace my future ...and it's going to be a bright future!!!

Labels: D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, Spanking Related

MG and I are finally togather at last and I am happy! We moved into a place this past weekend and although it has been a very stressful move, we are finally happy to be togather. We have been in a long distance relationship for so long that it feels almost "not real" to be togather. The whole weekend we were busy with moving, buying things ect. ect....therefore we didn't get any playtime in at which was disappointing but we have the rest of our lives togather for that. I am finding that I take alot of different things MG does as rejection, and it's not even his fault because I don't think that he even realizes how sensitive I really am and how I take things. Because he didn't suggest any play this weekend I took it as he doesn't want to play with me because I am overweight...I feel like if I was thin then alot of things about our relationship would be very different and I can't help but think that is the problem :( So what do I do about it? I decide that I will do ANYTHING to lose this weight ...and quick ! I have lost 73 lbs which is good but I want BETTER . He doesn't approve of diet pills ....and I don't want to not obey him about this but yet I suffer emotionally and that is how I have ended up in tears the last two nites with him :( Then I wonder if I just subconciously create a bratting scene just to get punished by him...the only intimate thing we have between us as a couple is spanking and D/s ....it's our connection and I think that is why I do what I do ...at least it's a good guess. I feel loved by him when he spanks me, corrects me, lectures me ect...he says he loves me and I line that up with his actions ...and when he spanks me I feel loved ...any other time I just feel frustrated. I want to fix this but I don't know how to fix it ...:( The only thing I know is it has to be corrected because if not I am afraid he will eventually leave :(

Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, feelings, My Thoughts, sad, Spanking Related

My thoughts are on D/s ( when is it not? lol) ...I pose this question. Do most of you who are in a D/s or DD relationship take it seriously or is it all fun and games? I am a little confused about this because the last D/s , DD relationship I was in (before I knew MG) was very serious when it came to discipline. I was not in the normal D/s realationship though, it was very unhealthy and abnormal and I was abused in it. There was no fun in that relationship when it came to spanking play ...no erotic spanking...no sex...just pure discipline and punishment spankings. So as you can imagine I am having a hard time accepting the fact that MG wants it to also be fun with erotic spankings and such.

I do not enjoy erotic spankings at all ...I have had a few and it just does nothing for me. Some have told me that I have not had a good erotic spanking then if it does nothing for me or if I don't enjoy it but I am not sure if that is true or not. I do have alot of issues when it comes to sex and that is because of sexual abuse in my past , so I think it has alot to do with that. I was told growing up that sex is bad, masturbation is even worse and that a woman should not be enjoying any type of sexual act, it's only for a man to enjoy! So with the way I was raised and add the sexual abuse , this is how I think! I have always had a very hard time with sex ...I have only had two sexual partners in my entire life and I had issues with them both. So all of this leads me to believe that this is the reason why I don't enjoy erotic spankings or erotic anything as far as D/s play goes.

To me D/s is not fun , it's not a game. I take it very seriously, it's for punishment and discipline when rules are broken. I see D/s as my motivation to be a good person, a good girlfriend to MG, if I need motivation then I expect him to give me that ...if I need guidance then I want that too from him. It's there so I can't destroy our relationship and if I try to manipulate him or destroy our relationship then I expect him to punish me and to make me realize that he loves me enough to do something about it and that he loves our relationship enough to make sure it stays healthy. These are just my thoughts and opinions and this is how I view D/s or DD ....I am trying to view it in a more healthy manner though. I just think it's going to take some time on my part in order to truly understand a normal, healthy D/s or DD lifestyle.

Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Spanking Related

Is bratting an appropriate behavior or is it just a way to get spanked? When I was in my late teens to early 20's I bratted quite a bit and it usually ended in me getting spanked and that resulted in a very content brat LOL. But as I got older I noticed that "bratting" wasn't the way to get what I wanted, and the only thing it did was get me in big trouble with the guy I was with at the time. Some Dominants love "bratting" but others hate it. I also have learned throughout the years that it's the type of "bratting" that is what can or can't get you into deeper trouble than you wanted. The fun "bratting" is just a playful, teasing thing and most Doms are ok with that and they think that it's fun to spank thier "brat" for minor things. It's when the "bratting" gets destructive that I have noticed it's not acceptable by most. I have done my share of both types.

Basically "bratting" is where the "brat" misbehaves on purpose to get spanked and there are different views on this. Some say that is topping from the bottom and by thier standards that is disrespectful to the Dom, but it all depends on what type of standards you go by in your D/s or DD relationship. For instance in my D/s relationship I am allowed to "brat", in fact MG likes it when it's playful and fun with lots of teasing , but I am not allowed to "brat" in a destrutive manner because that could just result in a real discipline spanking that won't be fun at all. So it all depends on the couple and the rules of that particular relationship.

I consider myself a "brat" and MG completely agrees with me when I say that, but I also consider myself very submissive and being a "brat" sometimes does not in any way take away my submissivness. I submit to MG at the appropriate times that I am supposed too ...although it's harder with the distance but that will soon be fixed :) But I also know that I can have fun and "brat" in order to get a fun type spanking too. I just have to know when it's approrpriate and when it is not because there is a time and place for everything. Personally I don't see the fun in only getting spanked for discipline ...because discipline spankings for me are no fun and they hurt, they are meant for punishment because I have broken a certain rule. But the "brat" spankings are more for fun and games!

Happy Spanking everyone!! Whatever type they might be!

Labels: bratting, D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Spanking Related, topping from the bottom

Why do submissives top from the bottom? I think there are many reasons. Maybe she isn't getting the attention she feels she deserves, maybe she is feeling neglected, maybe she just is afraid of "losing control", or maybe it's because her Dom isn't doing his job! I have topped from the bottom in all of my D/s relationships (have only had three of those) and I have always had different reasons why I was doing that.

I feel that when a sub tops from the bottom that is only a reflection of the quality of her Dom's control over her. Would we really be in this type of relatioship if we didn't want CONTROL?? Uhh I don't think so. I have topped from the bottom with MG on several occassions in our relationship and it's only because he was not doing his job! I think that submission is a gift that we freely give to the one we love and call our Dom and when he can't even do his job then it's like he rejects that gift and that hurts. It hurts to be rejected in any kind of way and this hurts no less.

I know what I want in a D/s relationship and I feel the reasons why I am so sure of what I want is due to life experiences with it. I exactly know what I need ....I call them the three C's....which is Control, Consistency, and Consenquences. If I don't have those three things from MG then I am unhappy and frustrated. I need to know that he is going to make me accountable and those three C's tells me that he is serious and willing to make me accountable for my mistakes. It's really simple terms I think. But what is simple for one may not be simple for another.

I am submissive but I also fall in the classification of a "brat" and there are several reasons for that. I like to "brat" and have fun with it but I have also found that when I am really upset with MG or something isn't going my way then I "brat" to make his life miserable or until he does something about it. There is the light hearted and fun "bratting" but then there is also the type of "bratting" that can become destructive and that is when it goes to far and most Doms don't like that. Again I say there is fault with the Dom as well as the sub if this is happening in the relationship. Anything that becomes destructive to the relationship should be dealt with because that can very well rip apart a relationship.

I have known since I was a young kid that I would need to be in this type of relationship and I chose this type of relationship for alot of different reasons and topping from the bottom was not one of those reasons. I think that couples having these types of problems will truly benefit if the Dominant in the relationship will look at how he may be contributing to the reasons why his sub would top from the bottom.

I am not saying that there can't be blame on the other side of the spectrum because usually in any relationship there is always blame on both sides. I am just saying that most of us don't want to top from the bottom ....we want that control , we don't want to control the relationship. There are alot of hard challenges in a D/s relationship and this is just one of those that somehow, some way we get through!

Labels: D/s relationships, topping from the bottom

I promised MG that I would post more positive things on my blog and I am trying ....really I am but sometimes it's hard for me to do. I am just so used to negative things happening to me and in my life that I tend to vear away from the positive things and only concentrate on all the negative that is going on with me, a bad habit I know and I am trying hard to break it. Sometimes I need MG's help with certain things and I feel that I am more of a burden to him than anything so I tend to not say a word to him about needing his help and I am left with feeling very confused, frustrated and alone.

I don't want to "bother" him with petty things that I need help with. Lately I have been feeling very neglected by him and I finally blurted it out last nite while we were talking on the phone and he said "I am not neglecting you" and I was hurt. Hurt because he can't even see it as "neglect", hurt because he hadn't even considered my feelings about it. We talk every day and nite on the phone ...not as much during the day as I would like though but he does have a job and has to work ...my job allows me freedom to be on the phone but his doesn't.

When we talk at nite I feel like I don't have his full attention therefore it's not quality time togather because he is so tired that he is falling asleep on me :( He has two jobs and between that and his personal life , I get the in between time and it just feels like he has to pencil me in here and there to even talk to me :( So yeah I feel neglected! Maybe I am being selfish but if I am the most important person in his life, shouldn't I be top priority on his list? I know that he is top priority on my list! I am just lonely!

Labels: feelings, lonely, My Thoughts, neglected, sad

Can pain tolerance interfere in a D/s relationship? That is today's question that I am pondering about. I think it can in many ways. I have a very high pain tolerance and it has interfered with MG and I spanking play. The first time MG spanked me was back in March 2005 and I can remember it like it was yesterday. The spanking was lousy and I was highly disappointed but because it was our first time playing I didn't say a word. Later on after he flew back to Ohio he told me over the phone that the scars I had bothered him and that was the reason for the very light spanking. My past abusive D/s relationship I endured alot of hard spankings that left permanent scarring and now it was interfereing with my relationship with MG which I had feared all along and now my fear had come true. I cried when he told me that it bothered him to see the scars I had. He almost made me feel like it was my fault that I had them which made me sad!

We talked about it then and we still have talked about it now. MG has come a very long way since that very first light spanking that left me feeling sad. Is it to the point I would like it to be? No it's not but what I want and what he wants are two different things when it comes to punishment spankings. I am used to hard spankings that leave welts, bruises and sometimes even broken skin and he is NOT used to giving that type of spanking ...at least not to me and I just chalk it up to me being so special in his eyes that he wouldn't want to hurt me in that way! Why would I want to be hurt in that way you ask? Well not that I want him to hurt me but I only feel punished when I can cry real tears and when I can truly be sorry for what I have done to make him spank me in the first place, and when all those needs are met then I am happy and content! I also want to make sure that he spanks me hard enough to where I am uncomfortable enough to where I won't repeat the misbehavior again, I need him to be able to take me past my limits but I don't see that ever happening in our relationship.

But he has come further than it used to be and he has spanked me hard enough without creating damage and where my needs are met for the time being. My pain tolerance is so high that it's really not the pain of the spanking that makes me cry, it's more of the other elements that bring me to tears such as him scolding me, him putting me in the corner before and after the spanking, him correcting me during the physical punishment ....all those elements are VERY important for me because it's definantly not the pain that brings me to tears. I still crave a heavy spanking from time to time but MG is not willing to allow me to do that therefore I have come to the conclusion that I have to make due and be happy with what I can get to fullfill the needs I have.

There are alot of times that I have the fear that I will want more heavier spankings from him as time elapses and as we both discover new things about each other, and the only thing I can do is to not worry about that until that time does come. I feel the heavier the spanking the more he loves me! It's a crazy concept but it's where my thinking is as of now! We are going to be living togather very soon and he says things will change for the better when it comes to the D/s part of our relationship and I hope he is right. Right now I don't have any type of control and it really effects me on a daily basis, I actually become very irritated and moody when I haven't been spanked in a week or so....it's almost like a withdrawl to an addiction. I start to "brat" alot when I want to be spanked ...but instead I should just ask for the spanking but that is hard for me to do. Right now it wouldn't matter if I asked for a spanking or not because our distance doesn't make it possible for him to spank me right now :( But that will soon be changing and he says there will be plenty of spankings for me in the future.

So I do think that pain tolerance can be a very big factor in a D/s relationship because if the sub is so used to extreme heavy pain (like I have been used to in the past) then it would be very hard to use the pain of a spanking to change a behavior. You would have to bring her past her limit and that may be to heavy for the other person to ever consider doing. I don't think that MG will ever be able to play heavy with me and that makes me sad because I would like to experience that with him but it's not fair to him for me to expect his comfort zone to be invaded. I sometimes wish things could be different for MG and I ...but they aren't and it is what it is but to tolerate it is hard sometimes, but life is hard and that is just a fact :(

Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Spanking Related

Why is bad behavior repeated? That is the question of the day, at least it is for me. I think I do pretty good with obeying MG's rules ....at least I think I do well for the distance between us but there is one area that I have a real problem with and that is "getting tickets" on almost a constant basis. I am trying to figure out why I do it and why I seem to repeat it even after MG has spanked me for it. I know it upsets him and I have disappointed him many times by getting the tickets and each time it happens I always tell myself that I won't do it again but I always end up doing the exact thing I told myself not to do!

I want to obey all of his rules and he is never happy with me after I tell him once again I have gotten a ticket or worse yet tickets. In the past two weeks I have recieved four tickets and all for dangerous driving habits. In the past MG has spanked me for getting tickets but for some reason I repeat the same misbehavior. I know I don't do it on purpose so it's not just a thing I do to "brat", that I have ruled out. MG has said that I am a emotional driver and I agree with him so that may be part of the problem. When he has spanked me in the past for it I was truly sorry by the time the spanking was over and it reduced me to tears therefore I can rule out the spanking not being adequate enough. So why do I do it? That is the question!

It took me two weeks to confess my four tickets to MG ...I finally told him last nite and he was far from being happy with me about it. He didn't say much because he is not a yeller ...nor is he the type who firmly corrects me over the phone, he is more the face to face type for correction and scolding! I must say that I am not used to that but I am starting to get used to it and accept it because he isn't going to change and I know this. He just told me that when he gets here he is going to take care of this and I won't be getting anymore tickets, so I know I am in trouble. What makes this worse is MG is in law enforcement so you can well imagine that he doesn't like the fact that he has his girlfriend out there on Texas roads breaking the traffic laws.

Labels: breaking rules, D/s relationships, Spanking Related