Brat Out Of Control
Monday, April 30, 2007
My Feelings
Thinking
Crying
Feeling sad :(
Tired
Emotional
Feeling bad :(
Head hurts
Heart aches
Just needing a break :(
Needing a spanking
needing control
but getting nothing at all :(
Crying
Feeling sad :(
Tired
Emotional
Feeling bad :(
Head hurts
Heart aches
Just needing a break :(
Needing a spanking
needing control
but getting nothing at all :(
Labels: My Thoughts, Poetry
How to Spank a Brat
I thought that this was a cute poem that I found online. I thought it was a good start to start blogging in a more positive manner like I promised MG. This is a cute poem and I think it fits me to a tee LOL!
First step... catch her.
Second step...hold on to her.
Third step... while holding on to her. Try to get to your cuffs/rope/ whatever you can get your hands on.
Fourth step... carry her to the bed
Fifth step... stop and try to catch your breath. (while still trying to hold on to her)
Sixth step... catch her again
Seventh step... threaten her with bodily harm if she doesn't stand still
Eighth step... catch her again.
Ninth step... threaten to gag her if she doesn't stop laughing.
Tenth step... drag her back to the bed
Eleventh step...secure her wiggling body
Twelth step... choose your paddle/ crop/ flogger/ whatever is handy.
Thirteenth step...gag her to stop the giggling.
Fourteenth step...repeatedly smack her ass till she quits shaking with laughter
Fifteenth step...continue spanking till she starts to moan.
sixteenth step... give up. No matter what you do you know she's enjoying the hell out of it. This isn't punishment, it's her way of making you please her.
First step... catch her.
Second step...hold on to her.
Third step... while holding on to her. Try to get to your cuffs/rope/ whatever you can get your hands on.
Fourth step... carry her to the bed
Fifth step... stop and try to catch your breath. (while still trying to hold on to her)
Sixth step... catch her again
Seventh step... threaten her with bodily harm if she doesn't stand still
Eighth step... catch her again.
Ninth step... threaten to gag her if she doesn't stop laughing.
Tenth step... drag her back to the bed
Eleventh step...secure her wiggling body
Twelth step... choose your paddle/ crop/ flogger/ whatever is handy.
Thirteenth step...gag her to stop the giggling.
Fourteenth step...repeatedly smack her ass till she quits shaking with laughter
Fifteenth step...continue spanking till she starts to moan.
sixteenth step... give up. No matter what you do you know she's enjoying the hell out of it. This isn't punishment, it's her way of making you please her.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Not sure what to think/ MG not reading my journal anymore :(
Tonite was supposed to get better after MG and I talked but all it seemed to get was "worse". I am not sure what went wrong in our conversation on the phone tonite but somewhere, something went wrong and he got angry and said some things that hurt and I got angry and said some things back ....we just both got angry and both got hurt out of it :( I have to take the blame on alot of this though ...if I were just a better girlfriend, a better submissive, a better person then maybe it would all be alright and ok.
On got on here tonite to write because I want to binge and no one is answering thier phones ....because when I feel like this I have to talk in order to get through it .....but my best friend is mad at me :( , MG is upset with me, and I can't get a hold of another friend because his cell phone is off, so I thought getting on here to write out my thoughts and stuff would help me to not think about hurting myself. I tried just laying in bed to see if I would fall asleep but all I could do there was cry ....so I thought the next best thing had to be getting on here.
MG told me tonite that he was no longer going to read my blog :( He said that everytime he read it that it just makes him angry :( I guess my feelings make him angry, at least that is what I got out of it. So I asked him what would he want me to blog about ....thinking he would take some kind of control or dominance and tell me to start writing more positively ....no such luck of an answer ....he basically told me that I could blog about anything on here for anyone else to read but he was NOT reading it anymore! Of course this hurt my feelings and all I could do was cry as he was going on and on about it. I never felt more hurt before :( He basically said that he is sorry that I hurt so much but he don't know what to do for me, the funny thing is I never asked him to do anything for me except to love me! I feel because I lacked alot of love in my past relationships that I just want more and more love from MG ....it's like I am addicted and I can't get enough of his love!
I want to do everything that is right for me, for MG and for us and our relationship ....but I am at a loss on what to do or how to do it. I am trying and I have felt like I have been taking care of myself ....only to find out that MG is just waiting for me to mess up again :( I just don't know what he wants from me :(
On got on here tonite to write because I want to binge and no one is answering thier phones ....because when I feel like this I have to talk in order to get through it .....but my best friend is mad at me :( , MG is upset with me, and I can't get a hold of another friend because his cell phone is off, so I thought getting on here to write out my thoughts and stuff would help me to not think about hurting myself. I tried just laying in bed to see if I would fall asleep but all I could do there was cry ....so I thought the next best thing had to be getting on here.
MG told me tonite that he was no longer going to read my blog :( He said that everytime he read it that it just makes him angry :( I guess my feelings make him angry, at least that is what I got out of it. So I asked him what would he want me to blog about ....thinking he would take some kind of control or dominance and tell me to start writing more positively ....no such luck of an answer ....he basically told me that I could blog about anything on here for anyone else to read but he was NOT reading it anymore! Of course this hurt my feelings and all I could do was cry as he was going on and on about it. I never felt more hurt before :( He basically said that he is sorry that I hurt so much but he don't know what to do for me, the funny thing is I never asked him to do anything for me except to love me! I feel because I lacked alot of love in my past relationships that I just want more and more love from MG ....it's like I am addicted and I can't get enough of his love!
I want to do everything that is right for me, for MG and for us and our relationship ....but I am at a loss on what to do or how to do it. I am trying and I have felt like I have been taking care of myself ....only to find out that MG is just waiting for me to mess up again :( I just don't know what he wants from me :(
Labels: Bulimia, D/s relationships, My Thoughts
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Feeling very hurt :(
Why would a significant other ...such as a boyfriend or husband tell you that you don't love him? I am trying to figure this one out but I am having a hard time with it. Last nite right before bedtime MG told me that I don't love him because my actions speak alot lounder than my words. Needless to say I was very hurt by this comment, it made me sad and hurt a whole lot :( I do love him very much but I guess he can't see that. After I got off the phone with him all I could do was cry ....I cried so hard that I must have cried myself to sleep because the next thing I know is my alarm was going off and it was time to get up and get ready for work ....but the same thoughts flooded my mind that were there last nite .....why would he say such a hurtful thing to me? Even as I write this now my eyes are filling with tears ...because this just plain hurts :(
I can't seem to do anything right in my life ....I seem to make everyone either mad at me or unhappy or disappointed in me. I feel so alone and inadequate ....it's always something with me and I am so tired of being this messed up. I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder who I am. There are times that I wish I would die in my sleep , because I feel that bad alot of times :( But I must be doing something wrong if the man that is the most important thing to me thinks that I don't love him :( I do love MG ....a whole lot ....I love him so much that I would give my life up for him if it meant saving his ....but if he doesn't believe I love him I don't know what to do to get him to believe it ...I thought I was pretty clear about my love for him but I guess not :(
I can't seem to do anything right in my life ....I seem to make everyone either mad at me or unhappy or disappointed in me. I feel so alone and inadequate ....it's always something with me and I am so tired of being this messed up. I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder who I am. There are times that I wish I would die in my sleep , because I feel that bad alot of times :( But I must be doing something wrong if the man that is the most important thing to me thinks that I don't love him :( I do love MG ....a whole lot ....I love him so much that I would give my life up for him if it meant saving his ....but if he doesn't believe I love him I don't know what to do to get him to believe it ...I thought I was pretty clear about my love for him but I guess not :(
Labels: My Thoughts
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Miserable
No sleep last nite and I am exhausted today. Staying awake at work this morning has been nearly impossible. I just wish I could have a normal life like everyone else. What did I do in order to get this life long sentence of misery? My best friend is upset with me over some personal issues and I don't know what else to do ...I guess I could tell her the truth but that would only hurt her feelings therefore I am the one taking the heat. It's to the point where I am not so sure if having a friend is worth this. Last nite was miserable, all I did was cry and get no sleep ....I just have about had it :( I haven't played in a week and a half and I feel like bratting non stop until MG gets here ...basically I feel very out of control! I hate everything about me ....I would be better off dead :(
Labels: My Thoughts
Monday, April 23, 2007
sad thoughts
So far this morning has been hassle free and hectic free which is a good thing at my job! I don't feel the greatest though, I woke up several times last nite with coughing and congestion ...I swear this stuff I have isn't wanting to go away! MG and I had a pretty good conversation last nite although I was upset and crying when we got off the phone :( So as usual I cried myself to sleep last nite. I just feel really lonely alot lately and when we get off the phone I am reminded once again that I am all alone :(
I am starting to get kind of anxious because I haven't played now for a week ...which I am not used too. I am used to playing at least three times a week ...and once last weekend is all I got ...so I am starting to feel anxious about that. MG doesn't want me playing with anyone therefore I am not allowed too so I have to suffer :( Oh well , it's not like I am not used to suffering! So I guess sex with "fred" is about all the fun I am going to get! Hell no wonder I cry myself to sleep every nite :(
I am starting to get kind of anxious because I haven't played now for a week ...which I am not used too. I am used to playing at least three times a week ...and once last weekend is all I got ...so I am starting to feel anxious about that. MG doesn't want me playing with anyone therefore I am not allowed too so I have to suffer :( Oh well , it's not like I am not used to suffering! So I guess sex with "fred" is about all the fun I am going to get! Hell no wonder I cry myself to sleep every nite :(
Labels: My Thoughts, Sex, Spanking Related
Friday, April 20, 2007
Disappointed in myself
I need to get my head togather ....tonite is one of those Friday nites that I just feel bad :( Most people in my life don't know that I am battling bulimia and I have been for quite sometime. In fact I have been battling weight problems and issues for awhile now and I am trying really HARD to fix this bulimia stuff because it's one thing I don't like about me. I am trying very hard to eat right, to not binge or purge, and to eat healthy and for the most part I think I am doing well until I mess up that is :( I don't even think of the health consenquences of binging and purging until after the fact and then it's to late because I have already done it. I want to take care of myself , if not for me then for MG ...and I do think about how disappointed he would be in me if I gave into the feelings and binged and purged ....and that one thing alone has made me stop in my tracks and not binge and purge but there are days that I don't think about anything ...I just get so out of control that I binge and purge and only think of all that later on when it's to late :( The only thing I know is I don't want to be this way and I want to change it but I don't know how to change it and that is what scares me the most , is the not knowing how!
Labels: Bulimia, Diet, My Thoughts
My promises to MG
I have been thinking alot about MG and I and how it's getting closer to him moving down here to Houston. I am getting excited as the time gets closer but I am also nervous about it. There are going to be alot of adjustments for us both to have to get used too and adjust too as well. But nevertheless I am excited and happy that we soon are going to be living togather :) I wrote a little something for MG and I thought I would post it here and share it with the whole blog world ....and also because I know MG reads here as well. I call it "My Promise To You".
You are the love of my life, my friend and Dom, you are the reason why I am here today.
You are my everything, my world.
I promise to give you the upmost respect.
I promise to honor you and obey you.
I promise to take care of you and our home. I promise to take care of myself as well since it's so important to you.
I promise to be faithful to you ...for you are my one and only and nothing or no one can ever get between us.
Whether it be good times or bad times I promise to be there for you always.
I promise to never take you or our love we have for each other for granted.
I promise to do my best to not disappoint you.
I promise to do my best to always make you happy and proud of me.
I promise to love you always and forever!
MG is the best thing that could have happened to me and at the right time in my life too. There are alot of people ...friends and family who think that him and I are wrong for each other because of our age difference but I don't care what anyone thinks ...I love him and he loves me and that is all that counts. Love does not have an age limit as far as I am concerned.
You are the love of my life, my friend and Dom, you are the reason why I am here today.
You are my everything, my world.
I promise to give you the upmost respect.
I promise to honor you and obey you.
I promise to take care of you and our home. I promise to take care of myself as well since it's so important to you.
I promise to be faithful to you ...for you are my one and only and nothing or no one can ever get between us.
Whether it be good times or bad times I promise to be there for you always.
I promise to never take you or our love we have for each other for granted.
I promise to do my best to not disappoint you.
I promise to do my best to always make you happy and proud of me.
I promise to love you always and forever!
MG is the best thing that could have happened to me and at the right time in my life too. There are alot of people ...friends and family who think that him and I are wrong for each other because of our age difference but I don't care what anyone thinks ...I love him and he loves me and that is all that counts. Love does not have an age limit as far as I am concerned.
Labels: My Thoughts, Poetry
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Just Thinking A Few Thoughts
I am starting to feel better physically which is a good thing ....I am so sick of this cold! I didn't want to get out of bed this morning because I was just sooo tired! I am physically worn out and it's starting to take it's toll on me which it always usally does about this time in the week but it's almost Friday so that is good because this weekend I plan on resting! I know I get sick alot because my immune system is compromised and weak due to alot of health problems that I have so I am trying to strengthen it by taking my daily vitamin and also taking some other good herbal vitamins and eat right and stuff like that.
I miss MG :( I cried myself to sleep last nite because I miss him so much that it hurts to have him so far away! I try to think about the positive but most of the time I fail at that and end up crying anyways :( I just feel so lonely all the time. When we are togather I feel complete and happy! He makes me happy! They say the only person that can make you happy is yourself but I completeley disagree because MG does make me happy and it makes me happy to know that he loves me and cares about me :)
But I am not happy with myself alot of times and I am working on that but it's very hard to be happy with yourself when most of your adult life you were told by someone that you are worthless and not worth thier time....you start to believe that after awhile and now I have to do some reverse thinking so I can get past that and start loving and liking myself again. My ex did a number on my self-confidence and self-esteem so now I have to build those back up but it's much harder than I thought it was going to be. Everyday I wake up and ask myself one question ...and that question is .."Michelle are you going to love yourself or hate yourself today?" Somedays I do love myself but then I have the days where I hate myself too.
Somedays I look at myself in a mirror and I think ...oh god who would want to be with me? Or no wonder MG never wants to touch me in certain ways ...ect. ect....that is how I think most of the time. I know I got to get past alot of this and I am trying but like I said it's a hard road to travel. There are alot of days that out of the blue I just start to cry and it's because I am sooo unhappy with myself and with the way I look ....and I think no wonder I can't even think of having sex with someone else and why would they think of ever wanting to even have sex with me....ect. ect. My thought process needs alot of work though! I guess I am lucky that MG at least wants to spank me , at first I thought that was going to be a problem but we worked it out and now it's not the problem I once thought it was going to be. All in all I will be happy once MG and I are living togather because the long distance thing is getting harder.
I miss MG :( I cried myself to sleep last nite because I miss him so much that it hurts to have him so far away! I try to think about the positive but most of the time I fail at that and end up crying anyways :( I just feel so lonely all the time. When we are togather I feel complete and happy! He makes me happy! They say the only person that can make you happy is yourself but I completeley disagree because MG does make me happy and it makes me happy to know that he loves me and cares about me :)
But I am not happy with myself alot of times and I am working on that but it's very hard to be happy with yourself when most of your adult life you were told by someone that you are worthless and not worth thier time....you start to believe that after awhile and now I have to do some reverse thinking so I can get past that and start loving and liking myself again. My ex did a number on my self-confidence and self-esteem so now I have to build those back up but it's much harder than I thought it was going to be. Everyday I wake up and ask myself one question ...and that question is .."Michelle are you going to love yourself or hate yourself today?" Somedays I do love myself but then I have the days where I hate myself too.
Somedays I look at myself in a mirror and I think ...oh god who would want to be with me? Or no wonder MG never wants to touch me in certain ways ...ect. ect....that is how I think most of the time. I know I got to get past alot of this and I am trying but like I said it's a hard road to travel. There are alot of days that out of the blue I just start to cry and it's because I am sooo unhappy with myself and with the way I look ....and I think no wonder I can't even think of having sex with someone else and why would they think of ever wanting to even have sex with me....ect. ect. My thought process needs alot of work though! I guess I am lucky that MG at least wants to spank me , at first I thought that was going to be a problem but we worked it out and now it's not the problem I once thought it was going to be. All in all I will be happy once MG and I are living togather because the long distance thing is getting harder.
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Sex, Spanking Related
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Thinking about how hard MG's job is/ Sex and my thoughts on it!
I have been thinking about MG and I alot and alot about our relationship. A good friend of mine and I were talking today on the phone and he asked me to evaulate how hard of a job MG has and how hard it really is to be a Dom. I never really thought about his job as being hard ....in my mind being the boss is the easy part ....it's being submissive that is the hard job. But I did give it some fair thought and after thinking about it and evaulating it all I came to the conclusion that it would be a stressful job! I know that he always makes his decisions according to my best interest and that has to be tedious at the least. I love MG with all of my heart and soul and I would do anything for him and it breaks my heart to think that I have made his job alot harder than it has to be. This relationship is harder for me because it's actually a healthy relationship and sadly I am not used to that. My last relationship was very abusive and there was heavy D/s and Bdsm involved to the extent that I am now having to deal with many years of emotional and psychological pain. I was abused mentally, verbally, physically, and sexually ...so bad that he had control of my mind, body and soul. So coming from that to this very normal, healthy and happy relationship has been a BIG adjustment for me. Just simple things are hard for me and I don't think that MG really understands where I am coming from on that.
I have a hard time talking and communicating to MG and that is because I was not allowed to do any of those things in my last relationship ...I was basically cut off from communicating my thoughts, and feelings and now that I can do that I find it very hard sometimes. I am afraid of saying the wrong things or insulting or hurting MG's feelings ect. ect. I can't look MG in the eyes very well either , and again this is because of my past, it's just hard to look into his eyes , especially when he is scolding me or punishing me for something. There are alot of little things that most people take for granted in a relationship ....but I don't take any of that for granted because I know what it's like of not having that in a relationship, I know what it's like to feel unloved and alone and I don't ever want to feel that again with anyone. MG has been very helpful and very patient with me but I also know that his patience can and has run out with alot of it and if I could help it I would but I can't , although I try very hard.
There are alot of topics that I can't even start to communicate with him about ....sex is one of them! I have a very hard time with sex and once again that is because of past abusive situations and how I was used and abused with sex. I have never had a healthy sexual relationship with anyone in my life ...and for being 33 years old that is sad! In alot of ways I see sex as a bad thing and a dirty thing and that is because of all the abuse I have gone through that involved sex and sexual acts. But once he brings up sex or I bring it up ...I get instantly upset and start crying ...and I know that is because it's such a problem with us both and yes it bothers me but in the same sentence I love him so much that I would just give up sex altogather if I had too. For the very first time in my life I know I am in love with this man ...I know he is the one for me ....and it's not because of status, or looks or anything, it's because it's true pure love that I feel for him and I want to be with him, and sex is just another problem that we will have to deal with , if at all. The only intimate thing that I have to hold on to with MG is spanking and spanking play , whether it be discipline or erotic ...and I don't want to lose that intimacy that we have with that so I nautrally get upset when he comes to see me and we only play one time in a three day weekend :( Physical attraction and sex is not important to me as long as I have one intimate thread with him which so happens to be spanking....if that is lost then I would be devestated!
I have a hard time talking and communicating to MG and that is because I was not allowed to do any of those things in my last relationship ...I was basically cut off from communicating my thoughts, and feelings and now that I can do that I find it very hard sometimes. I am afraid of saying the wrong things or insulting or hurting MG's feelings ect. ect. I can't look MG in the eyes very well either , and again this is because of my past, it's just hard to look into his eyes , especially when he is scolding me or punishing me for something. There are alot of little things that most people take for granted in a relationship ....but I don't take any of that for granted because I know what it's like of not having that in a relationship, I know what it's like to feel unloved and alone and I don't ever want to feel that again with anyone. MG has been very helpful and very patient with me but I also know that his patience can and has run out with alot of it and if I could help it I would but I can't , although I try very hard.
There are alot of topics that I can't even start to communicate with him about ....sex is one of them! I have a very hard time with sex and once again that is because of past abusive situations and how I was used and abused with sex. I have never had a healthy sexual relationship with anyone in my life ...and for being 33 years old that is sad! In alot of ways I see sex as a bad thing and a dirty thing and that is because of all the abuse I have gone through that involved sex and sexual acts. But once he brings up sex or I bring it up ...I get instantly upset and start crying ...and I know that is because it's such a problem with us both and yes it bothers me but in the same sentence I love him so much that I would just give up sex altogather if I had too. For the very first time in my life I know I am in love with this man ...I know he is the one for me ....and it's not because of status, or looks or anything, it's because it's true pure love that I feel for him and I want to be with him, and sex is just another problem that we will have to deal with , if at all. The only intimate thing that I have to hold on to with MG is spanking and spanking play , whether it be discipline or erotic ...and I don't want to lose that intimacy that we have with that so I nautrally get upset when he comes to see me and we only play one time in a three day weekend :( Physical attraction and sex is not important to me as long as I have one intimate thread with him which so happens to be spanking....if that is lost then I would be devestated!
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Sex, Spanking Related
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
My Thoughts
I feel awful today ....I got sick on Friday with allergies or so I thought but now I am thinking it's a head cold of some sort and today it's making me feel terrible :( I don't feel very good emotionally either so I guess overall I just feel bad :( I didn't get any sleep last nite ...finally I fell asleep at 5 a.m but I had to be up by 6 a.m at the latest for work so I got one hour of sleep.
I am not happy with myself ...I hate "ME" and I don't know how to start loving myself. I don't understand how MG can love me because I take one good look at myself and I wonder why or what he sees in me to love! Even though I have family and friends around me I still feel very alone and empty :( When MG comes to see me I am happy about that but as soon as he has to go back I am depressed and sad and it takes me a good two weeks to get back to feeling "ok" once he has left again. I have alot of fears and one of those fears is he isn't going to come back at all ....and top all the other fears I have on to that one and you have one big mess!
I think that things are "ok" with MG and I ....for a long distance relationship I think that we do ok on the average. I miss him and I cry alot because I miss him and for some reason he doesn' t seem to understand why I cry ....I think it's obvious. But I guess men deal with it differently than women do. Alot of misunderstandings and arguments that we have are due to lack of communication so I think that we both have to work on communication a whole lot harder. And I think that our age difference has alot to do with how we think in terms of "love", "sex", and "intimacy" as well.
When I don't get what I want or need I tend to get really "bratty" and I have an attitude about it ...I know that I should communicate how I feel but instead I get upset and I brat or I just get really stubborn. I have a very hard time with communication because in my last relationship I didn't have a chance to communicate anything therefore I just didn't and instead I dealt with it and internalized it and I find myself doing that alot now! It's all hard for me, I wish it were easier :(
I am not happy with myself ...I hate "ME" and I don't know how to start loving myself. I don't understand how MG can love me because I take one good look at myself and I wonder why or what he sees in me to love! Even though I have family and friends around me I still feel very alone and empty :( When MG comes to see me I am happy about that but as soon as he has to go back I am depressed and sad and it takes me a good two weeks to get back to feeling "ok" once he has left again. I have alot of fears and one of those fears is he isn't going to come back at all ....and top all the other fears I have on to that one and you have one big mess!
I think that things are "ok" with MG and I ....for a long distance relationship I think that we do ok on the average. I miss him and I cry alot because I miss him and for some reason he doesn' t seem to understand why I cry ....I think it's obvious. But I guess men deal with it differently than women do. Alot of misunderstandings and arguments that we have are due to lack of communication so I think that we both have to work on communication a whole lot harder. And I think that our age difference has alot to do with how we think in terms of "love", "sex", and "intimacy" as well.
When I don't get what I want or need I tend to get really "bratty" and I have an attitude about it ...I know that I should communicate how I feel but instead I get upset and I brat or I just get really stubborn. I have a very hard time with communication because in my last relationship I didn't have a chance to communicate anything therefore I just didn't and instead I dealt with it and internalized it and I find myself doing that alot now! It's all hard for me, I wish it were easier :(
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Sex
Monday, April 16, 2007
Feeling
Feeling sad
Feeling mad
Just tired of feeling at all.
Feeling like binging and then purging
Yep that is what I think I will do.
Feeling lonely
Feeling rejected
Definantly feeling neglected.
Tired of feeling at all :(
Feeling mad
Just tired of feeling at all.
Feeling like binging and then purging
Yep that is what I think I will do.
Feeling lonely
Feeling rejected
Definantly feeling neglected.
Tired of feeling at all :(
Labels: Poetry
My weekend with MG/My feelings on spanking and intimacy
Well the weekend is over :( I wish it could have lasted forever but that is just wishful thinking and not reality! MG and I had a great time togather ...we went apartment hunting and that was fun to do togather! We have our minds set on an apartment that we liked and the area is absolutley beautiful. So we had fun! When it came time Sunday to take him back to the airport I was crying ..literally too! Everytime he has to leave a piece of my heart breaks :( He completes me ...that is the only way I know how to explain it and when he is 1109 miles away , I feel so empty and alone :( He asked me to try and be more positive because he is going to be moving here in three short weeks and I am truly trying to do what he asks and be more positive but it's hard. I just miss him so much ...I started missing him before he even left Houston yesterday.
He did punish me for some rules broken ...in fact first thing Friday nite he spanked me. The spanking was not fun , but it was discipline so it wasn't supposed to be fun. But he spanked me, I cried and said I was sorry and he forgave me and that was the end of that. I was kind of a brat on Saturday nite though , although I didn't mean to be! He made me mad and of course I acted out by acting the brat ...he wasn't to happy with that I don't think. When I get mad at him I tend to not communicate to him and he doesn't like that ...he did something different this time about that ...he spanked me and told me to talk to him...which is worked, I just wish I could talk to him when certain things are bothering me. I wanted to play on Saturday nite but I didn't know how to ask ...and when he made it easy for me and asked me if I wanted to play , what did I do ...like a brat I didn't answer him, but I really did want him to spank me but I have a hard time asking for a spanking! And he didn't want to spank me two days in a row ...he says not that he didn't want too but he didn't want to hurt me either ...but I took it as rejection! So I have to learn how to communicate to him.
Spanking is such an intimate thing for me ....I view it as intimate as having sex with your partner so when I think he doesn't want to spank me for whatever reason I automatically take it as he doesn't like me, he doesn't love me and I take it as rejection. Spanking and play is the only intimate thing that MG and I have togather and I don't want to lose that! I need to feel close to him, feel a connection with him and the only way for me to feel that is when he spanks me. It's not the only way but it's the only way for us!
He did punish me for some rules broken ...in fact first thing Friday nite he spanked me. The spanking was not fun , but it was discipline so it wasn't supposed to be fun. But he spanked me, I cried and said I was sorry and he forgave me and that was the end of that. I was kind of a brat on Saturday nite though , although I didn't mean to be! He made me mad and of course I acted out by acting the brat ...he wasn't to happy with that I don't think. When I get mad at him I tend to not communicate to him and he doesn't like that ...he did something different this time about that ...he spanked me and told me to talk to him...which is worked, I just wish I could talk to him when certain things are bothering me. I wanted to play on Saturday nite but I didn't know how to ask ...and when he made it easy for me and asked me if I wanted to play , what did I do ...like a brat I didn't answer him, but I really did want him to spank me but I have a hard time asking for a spanking! And he didn't want to spank me two days in a row ...he says not that he didn't want too but he didn't want to hurt me either ...but I took it as rejection! So I have to learn how to communicate to him.
Spanking is such an intimate thing for me ....I view it as intimate as having sex with your partner so when I think he doesn't want to spank me for whatever reason I automatically take it as he doesn't like me, he doesn't love me and I take it as rejection. Spanking and play is the only intimate thing that MG and I have togather and I don't want to lose that! I need to feel close to him, feel a connection with him and the only way for me to feel that is when he spanks me. It's not the only way but it's the only way for us!
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Spanking Related
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Excited, Excited, Excited!!!!
I am excited, excited, excited ...so excited that I can't sleep :) MG is coming for a visit tomorrow ...his flight comes in at 8:03 a.m ...and he is staying the whole weekend :) I haven't seen him since Christmas and New Year's ...so I am anxious to see him and spend some quality time with him. I miss him sooooooo much! We have been through so much togather and I can't wait until he moves down here ....after this visit he should be down within three weeks or so but for good! I am excited but also nervous ....I always get nervous right before I see him and I guess it has alot to do with my self-image and stuff ....but I know he loves me for me and nothing else. But I want to see him so being nervous is fine with me ...along with the excitment ...it's all good!!
Labels: My Thoughts
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Not feeling submissive :(
I am supposed to be in bed in a half hour but I am just to upset to even think of sleep. MG told me to be in bed by midnite my time ....so I am torn ...either I obey him because that would make him happy or I disobey because I am so damn stubborn and mad at him right now :( I just am not sure how to deal with this anymore ....I am not used to a Dom like him ....it's like he is to nice but that sounds nuts, doesn't it? I just wish that my past memories could just go away and never come back ...I wish I could wipe the slate clean of all the bad memories that makes me the way I am today :( I hate the way I am and I know MG does too, although he doesn't say it, his actions speak alot louder than his words when it comes to this :(
Tonite he called me a child ...well he almost did but it's the same thing to me! I have asked him to not compare me to a child because it bothers me that he would think so little of me in that way :( He hurts me with that and it makes me angry at him as well. I don't express my feelings very well to him and that is because as soon as I get close to him or even feel comfortable to get closer he does something to make me uncomfortable and I withdraw and we are back to square one. I am not sure what is allowed with him and what isn't and I hate it. For instance am I allowed to get mad at him? On one hand he wants me to express my feelings but when I do , he gets angry at me or doesn't talk to me and gives me the silent treatment therefore that leads me to believe I have done something wrong. Am I allowed to cuss at him? Well he says no but yet when I do cuss at him he doesn't say anything ...it's like he just ignores me and the behavior ...saying nothing ...leaving me feeling like he doesn't care and in turn I get angry as hell at him and I don't say nothing to him. He sets rules but when I break them he says NOTHING ....so I wonder when we are living togather if he is going to do NOTHING when I break them! I am just confused and frustrated :(
I want to feel submissive and I don't right now ...in fact I feel very far from that ...and it really takes a toll on me. Being submissive is part of who I am ...it's always been a part of my life and now I am essentially living without that and living without control .....not that I want complete control but I would like some ...my needs just are not being met and I think I resent it and I end up taking it out on MG some nites ...I am just MISERABLE :(
Tonite he called me a child ...well he almost did but it's the same thing to me! I have asked him to not compare me to a child because it bothers me that he would think so little of me in that way :( He hurts me with that and it makes me angry at him as well. I don't express my feelings very well to him and that is because as soon as I get close to him or even feel comfortable to get closer he does something to make me uncomfortable and I withdraw and we are back to square one. I am not sure what is allowed with him and what isn't and I hate it. For instance am I allowed to get mad at him? On one hand he wants me to express my feelings but when I do , he gets angry at me or doesn't talk to me and gives me the silent treatment therefore that leads me to believe I have done something wrong. Am I allowed to cuss at him? Well he says no but yet when I do cuss at him he doesn't say anything ...it's like he just ignores me and the behavior ...saying nothing ...leaving me feeling like he doesn't care and in turn I get angry as hell at him and I don't say nothing to him. He sets rules but when I break them he says NOTHING ....so I wonder when we are living togather if he is going to do NOTHING when I break them! I am just confused and frustrated :(
I want to feel submissive and I don't right now ...in fact I feel very far from that ...and it really takes a toll on me. Being submissive is part of who I am ...it's always been a part of my life and now I am essentially living without that and living without control .....not that I want complete control but I would like some ...my needs just are not being met and I think I resent it and I end up taking it out on MG some nites ...I am just MISERABLE :(
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Spanking Related
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Another sleepless nite and excitment building in anticipation for MG arrival!
Another sleepless nite....boy have I been having more of those lately! I am so glad that this weekend is almost over because that means it is that much closer to MG coming to visit :) I get sooo excited when he comes to see me and even though it's only for three days, it doesn't matter because three days with him is better than three days without him! He is flying in early Friday morning the 13th ...I am going to meet him at the hotel and we are going to go from there! We have alot to do in those three short days ...we want to take a look at some areas where we will be getting a place to live and also spending time with each other as well. I am counting down the days until his arrival!
From tonite's conversation on the phone I think I am in trouble for some past broken rules :( I know I have disappointed him in these last three months since his last visit over the Christmas holidays so it will be good to get punished for all of that so I can finally let go of the guilt I have been carrying for three months. I think that is the hardest part about being so far away from each other in this type of relationship ....that I have to wait soooo long to actually get punished for doing something wrong and stupid! And the other hardest part about being so far from him is just because I want him so close and when I need a hug or need to look into his eyes I can't do that ...the only thing I can do is talk to him on the phone ...which I am grateful for but I can't wait until we are living togather. I want to take care of him ....cook and clean for him and just be there with him but soon ..very soon!
From tonite's conversation on the phone I think I am in trouble for some past broken rules :( I know I have disappointed him in these last three months since his last visit over the Christmas holidays so it will be good to get punished for all of that so I can finally let go of the guilt I have been carrying for three months. I think that is the hardest part about being so far away from each other in this type of relationship ....that I have to wait soooo long to actually get punished for doing something wrong and stupid! And the other hardest part about being so far from him is just because I want him so close and when I need a hug or need to look into his eyes I can't do that ...the only thing I can do is talk to him on the phone ...which I am grateful for but I can't wait until we are living togather. I want to take care of him ....cook and clean for him and just be there with him but soon ..very soon!
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Spanking Related
Friday, April 06, 2007
Lonely & Sad
Another bad nite last nite and just a terrible day today ...what's new! I am so sick of my feelings and emotions! I am just tired of crying, tired of getting my feelings hurt and most of all tired of being miserable and lonely :( This weekend I will be alone, everyone is going out of town but me, lucky me I guess! I had a chance to go to Galveston with a couple of friends but that was botched and now I can't go. So I guess it's me and some comfort food this weekend! The things that make me happy don't make anyone else in my life happy ...according to them the things I choose hurt me , well I am hurting regardless and more hurt that I would be deprived of something that helps me :( I would rather die than to deal with this type of emotional pain anymore :(
Labels: My Thoughts
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Let's talk sex
I had a great day yesterday, that is up until last nite :( I got through the day without crying! I am happy that MG is going to be here in a week and a half so that makes me happy to know we will see each other! Him and I had a great time talking on the phone last nite up until the subject of sex came up. We both have issues with sex therefore it's a very hard subject for us to discuss and I usually end up in tears like I did last nite! I just assume not even think about the problems but he insists that there is more to the story than I am willing to tell. He has issues with sex because of his age and past relationships and I have issues with it because of past abuse ...aren't we the pair! We both love each other very much but when it comes to the sex part we both get upset, I end up crying and he ends up feeling bad :( I have friends who tell me that sex is a part of a relationship therefore it will be a problem if we don't get things resolved ....I just don't know what to do. I love him and sex isn't that important to me ...on the other hand according to friends I am fooling myself.
He thinks that I will have a problem in the future with it ...because he does play with others he seems to think that I will think he is having sex with others and not me ....last nite I told him that I know he loves me and I do trust him and I will continue to trust him and the only time I won't trust him is if that trust is ever broken in any way. I sometimes do wonder if something is wrong with "me" ....so I put alot of the blame on myself rather than blame him. What really bothers me is he remembers details of a spanking session with another female and fails to remember details with our spanking play ....that bothers me!
I hate the way I am...I hate the way I look...I hate the way I feel :( I want to have more good days than bad and I am really trying but it's not as easy as I thought. I think back to when I was younger and how I felt back then about myself ...I felt good about me and my self-esteem and self-confidence was there. I can't remember the last time I acutally enjoyed having sex with a man, how sad is that at my age :( I basically gave up on that fantasy anyways ...it's not real and will never happen and that is how I have shut myself down in that area. Does it hurt? Yeah I get sad over it and I even cry over it but then I get over it and go on....what isn't possible isn't worth crying over! I have been hurt way to many times to ever open up my heart fully to anyone in such an intimate way ...I am just afraid to ever go through that again. I have learned from my mistakes in that area ...and I guard my heart carefully in that area.
He thinks that I will have a problem in the future with it ...because he does play with others he seems to think that I will think he is having sex with others and not me ....last nite I told him that I know he loves me and I do trust him and I will continue to trust him and the only time I won't trust him is if that trust is ever broken in any way. I sometimes do wonder if something is wrong with "me" ....so I put alot of the blame on myself rather than blame him. What really bothers me is he remembers details of a spanking session with another female and fails to remember details with our spanking play ....that bothers me!
I hate the way I am...I hate the way I look...I hate the way I feel :( I want to have more good days than bad and I am really trying but it's not as easy as I thought. I think back to when I was younger and how I felt back then about myself ...I felt good about me and my self-esteem and self-confidence was there. I can't remember the last time I acutally enjoyed having sex with a man, how sad is that at my age :( I basically gave up on that fantasy anyways ...it's not real and will never happen and that is how I have shut myself down in that area. Does it hurt? Yeah I get sad over it and I even cry over it but then I get over it and go on....what isn't possible isn't worth crying over! I have been hurt way to many times to ever open up my heart fully to anyone in such an intimate way ...I am just afraid to ever go through that again. I have learned from my mistakes in that area ...and I guard my heart carefully in that area.
Labels: My Thoughts, Sex
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Just a few thoughts
I find myself being happier today, not sure what has gotten into me besides the fact that MG will be visiting me in a couple of weeks :) I miss him a whole lot and I think that our long distance relationship is most of the reason why I feel so unhappy all of the time. I am not used to being on my own or doing my own thing! I find that it's hard to be submissive and then have to end up making all of the decisions and deal with the problems ect. ect., I guess I am just not used to that. My marriage of ten years was not the normal D/s relationship, hubby was very controlling and he expected me to just obey and shut up basically so ten years of that and then going to a normal D/s relationship where there is hardly any control is driving me nuts somedays.
I love MG very much and he is a very caring, compassionate, and loving person, which sadly I am not used too. I am more used to the obsessive, controlling type therefore it has been a challenge to get used to the opposite of what I am used too. I think I have made great progress though and everyday I better but I do have my bad days as well. MG has helped alot with this process and he has been very patient and understanding which has been very helpful to me. There are days that I just think it's impossible for me to deal with alot but he has been there to help and guide me and I feel so lucky to have him.
I am really looking forward to seeing him in a couple weeks ...I can't wait! It's been three months since the last time we saw each other so it's going to be nice seeing him even though it's only for a couple of days...but it will be a very nice couple of days :) I am not sure if I am in for any discipline spankings though ...just because he is so unpredictable when it comes to that. There are a few things I should be in trouble for but again he is so unpredictable that I am not sure what will happen along those lines! So we will see or hopefully I will feel lol!
I love MG very much and he is a very caring, compassionate, and loving person, which sadly I am not used too. I am more used to the obsessive, controlling type therefore it has been a challenge to get used to the opposite of what I am used too. I think I have made great progress though and everyday I better but I do have my bad days as well. MG has helped alot with this process and he has been very patient and understanding which has been very helpful to me. There are days that I just think it's impossible for me to deal with alot but he has been there to help and guide me and I feel so lucky to have him.
I am really looking forward to seeing him in a couple weeks ...I can't wait! It's been three months since the last time we saw each other so it's going to be nice seeing him even though it's only for a couple of days...but it will be a very nice couple of days :) I am not sure if I am in for any discipline spankings though ...just because he is so unpredictable when it comes to that. There are a few things I should be in trouble for but again he is so unpredictable that I am not sure what will happen along those lines! So we will see or hopefully I will feel lol!
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Spanking Related