Brat Out Of Control
Saturday, March 31, 2007
On to newer and better things
It's raining here in Houston today which I really hate because I had alot of things to do that are not going to get done because of the severe weather and tornado and hail warnings....I don't dare go out in that stuff unless I am doing something close to home, like going to the grocery store. Things are better for me emotionally today although I don't feel well physically and I almost passed out in the shower this morning which is not a good thing and it's a sign that I am exhausted. I just got back from seeing my doctor...thank god for Saturday appointments and he told me that I am suffering from exhaustion and I was totally dehydrated which is not good. He gave me a shot and also did an IV and pumped fluids through my system to get me back to where I needed to be with the hydration stuff. He told me to get some rest and lay off the stressful events ....I am thinking YEAH RIGHT DOC lol. My middle name is stress right now and it's not going to get any better until things are settled in my life!
I got a call from a friend of mine and she told me that she is pregnant, it definantly was a shocker but I am happy for her. It seems as though everyone either friends or family are having babies ....kind of makes me sad for me but I am happy for them. But I know my days of baby making are over and I am ok with that , although I do think about it and sometimes am sad about it which I think is pretty normal! But on to newer and bettter things!
I got a call from a friend of mine and she told me that she is pregnant, it definantly was a shocker but I am happy for her. It seems as though everyone either friends or family are having babies ....kind of makes me sad for me but I am happy for them. But I know my days of baby making are over and I am ok with that , although I do think about it and sometimes am sad about it which I think is pretty normal! But on to newer and bettter things!
Labels: My Thoughts
Friday, March 30, 2007
Just a quick note
Nothing much to really say ....just that I had a lousy day :( I have a headache and a buttache...hell both ends are hurting at the same time....with my life that just figures :( Life isn't fair and I am starting to hate life! Maybe taking a handful of pills could solve all my problems but when I think of MG and how much I really do love him I can't do that to him! I hope everyone has a great weekend...I will write more later!
Labels: My Thoughts
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Thinking and Hating
Well home and again lonely :( I swear I have to keep myself busy in order not to get down and crying! I went out with a few friends tonite, it was fun and we had a good time. After that my friend Jules and I went back to her place and had some of our own fun. Heck it's the only way I can get spanked for now which is sad :( She is a really good friend and a great Domme but it's not the same if it were MG spanking me ...I just don't get the same feeling or vibe out of it, it's hard to explain but it's how I feel. I really miss him :( I am constantly thinking about him! I just miss him and he keeps saying we will be togather soon but he has been saying that for months now :( I just hate all of this ...I hate the distance, I hate how I have to beg for his attention, I hate when he hardly has any time for me, I hate when he can't spank me right on the spot for something done wrong, I hate that he can't seem to correct me without worrying about making me upset, I hate that I have to brat just to get attention, I hate it all :(
Labels: My Thoughts
What is wrong with me?
Things are nuts this morning at work but I guess it's all in a day's work and no one can have a perfect week ...seems like especially me! Last nite I didn't sleep at all ...which pretty much figures, that is how this week has gone! All I could do was cry ...and think to much ...and cry some more. I called a good friend of mine and her and I talked for a few hours last nite, she made me feel somewhat better. I think alot of this will go away once MG is down here....I just feel all alone and it has been a hard thing for me to deal with. Not only that but I seem to do so much better when he is here but when he is this far away I seem to get into all kinds of trouble but I think it's my way of letting him know I am not happy! Not only that but I am used to alot of control and now I have no control at all and I hate it!
I sometimes just wish he were here so when I do start acting like a brat or acting out of control then he can take control and put me in a corner, spank me or make me calm down by some other punishment....that is what I need sometimes and I am not getting it. I play with Jules in order to try and replace that but it's not the same....and I seem to have to play alot more during the week with her in order to feel satisfied. MG doesn't like me to play heavy ....but sometimes that is the only way I can get to that point where I am happy but I am working on it because I don't like doing that. I just hate the way I am ....I just feel so inadequate :(
I got three tickets yesterday ...for running a red light, not wearing a seat belt, and for a brake light being out. MG does NOT like it when I break traffic laws, in fact I think it's his biggest pet peeve and of course leave it to me to break his rules which after the fact I feel terrible. I finally told him last nite, although he already had a hunch I think because of some details that were going on last nite ...I was just so afraid that he was going to be very mad at me because I know how he feels when I get tickets and this has been an on going thing for quite some time and each time he has punished me for it hasn't really worked because I do it again and again. Of course I know it's the distance between us that is the problem. I have dealt with this problem for quite some time with getting traffic tickets so it's not something new....but I know it's wrong and it can put us in a financial mess so I have to stop it but I need his help to do that. I am hoping that it will get fixed once he is down here because I know my attitude has to change on this. What is wrong with me? :( :(
I sometimes just wish he were here so when I do start acting like a brat or acting out of control then he can take control and put me in a corner, spank me or make me calm down by some other punishment....that is what I need sometimes and I am not getting it. I play with Jules in order to try and replace that but it's not the same....and I seem to have to play alot more during the week with her in order to feel satisfied. MG doesn't like me to play heavy ....but sometimes that is the only way I can get to that point where I am happy but I am working on it because I don't like doing that. I just hate the way I am ....I just feel so inadequate :(
I got three tickets yesterday ...for running a red light, not wearing a seat belt, and for a brake light being out. MG does NOT like it when I break traffic laws, in fact I think it's his biggest pet peeve and of course leave it to me to break his rules which after the fact I feel terrible. I finally told him last nite, although he already had a hunch I think because of some details that were going on last nite ...I was just so afraid that he was going to be very mad at me because I know how he feels when I get tickets and this has been an on going thing for quite some time and each time he has punished me for it hasn't really worked because I do it again and again. Of course I know it's the distance between us that is the problem. I have dealt with this problem for quite some time with getting traffic tickets so it's not something new....but I know it's wrong and it can put us in a financial mess so I have to stop it but I need his help to do that. I am hoping that it will get fixed once he is down here because I know my attitude has to change on this. What is wrong with me? :( :(
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The past, present and future
I have my good days and I have my bad days. It just depends on what is going on in the day to which kind of day I am going to have. The last few nites MG and I have been having good conversations on the phone with no fighting, and we actually are communicating much better and talking things out before it becomes an argument. I feel that I am trying hard and it's working so I am happy with the outcome. Today my day started out well but this afternoon has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.....I have been crying off and on....not sure what is going on all I know is I am feeling really down! There is alot of stress that I have been having to deal with and it's been hard for me. I know that lack of sleep has alot to do with it, I have been only been getting about two to three hours of interrupted sleep at nite and I have to be at work early in the A.M so it's definantly been a struggle and a challenge. I know that the lack of sleep isn't good for my health and it has been messing with my health alot lately! But I try to take naps when I can and rest as much as possible on the weekends to try and counter the nites I don't get sleep during the week.
Today I have been thinking alot about my past which probably doesn't help the emotional rollercoaster. I regret alot of decisions I made in my past and I know I can't change them now, I can only learn from them, not make the same mistakes and go on with my life from here. When I first met my soon to be ex, he was a sweet guy who seemed to love me and who cared about my feelings and cared about me but something changed and it changed drastically about a year after we were married and I have always blamed myself for the change but I no longer blame myself because I know it wasn't my fault but I sometimes wonder "why"....it's hard to not have an answer to that question and I guess I will never really have an answer to it. When I met MG ...he changed my life and he is truly a blessing in my life and I am so glad that we met. He is so sweet and he cares and he loves me ....I just hope none of that ever changes!
Today I have been thinking alot about my past which probably doesn't help the emotional rollercoaster. I regret alot of decisions I made in my past and I know I can't change them now, I can only learn from them, not make the same mistakes and go on with my life from here. When I first met my soon to be ex, he was a sweet guy who seemed to love me and who cared about my feelings and cared about me but something changed and it changed drastically about a year after we were married and I have always blamed myself for the change but I no longer blame myself because I know it wasn't my fault but I sometimes wonder "why"....it's hard to not have an answer to that question and I guess I will never really have an answer to it. When I met MG ...he changed my life and he is truly a blessing in my life and I am so glad that we met. He is so sweet and he cares and he loves me ....I just hope none of that ever changes!
Labels: My Thoughts
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Some Thoughts
For the last couple of nites MG and I have been talking on the phone without having an argument or fight. I am really trying hard to just keep things real positive which has been hard for me but possible to do. I still cry myself to sleep though ...not real sure why that is but there hasn't been a nite where I don't cry myself to sleep :( I guess I won't be one hundred percent happy until MG and I are togather and things are more normal. These past few months have been stressful and frustrating but things are finally coming togather so I have a more positive outlook on things.
Although I am excited about my new life with MG , I am also scared and I have some concerns as well. I am so used to a very controlled enviroment from my past relationship and it's going to be different with MG and I am not sure how I am going to take that. MG lets me do things that my ex never would allow...like express my opinions, say what is on my mind and I am even allowed to express when I am angry at him and that is all scary to me....it makes me feel like I am way out of control...and it takes me way out of my comfort zone...but I think it's all a good thing. Sometimes I think it's just easier to not say anything at all, and to take it all in and internalize it but I know that is not the healthy way but that is the way I am used too. The only way I ever felt loved by my ex was when he was yelling at me, spanking me, or punishing me in some other manner ....and this isn't MG style and I know it but then I wonder if he loves me because there are times I can cuss him out in anger and he says nothing ...so it makes me wonder what the hell! Just things like that worry me especially when we are going to be living togather soon. I don't want to be this big brat all the time just to get punished but yet I can't deal with him allowing me to get away with things either. It's going to be a challenge for us both I believe!
Although I am excited about my new life with MG , I am also scared and I have some concerns as well. I am so used to a very controlled enviroment from my past relationship and it's going to be different with MG and I am not sure how I am going to take that. MG lets me do things that my ex never would allow...like express my opinions, say what is on my mind and I am even allowed to express when I am angry at him and that is all scary to me....it makes me feel like I am way out of control...and it takes me way out of my comfort zone...but I think it's all a good thing. Sometimes I think it's just easier to not say anything at all, and to take it all in and internalize it but I know that is not the healthy way but that is the way I am used too. The only way I ever felt loved by my ex was when he was yelling at me, spanking me, or punishing me in some other manner ....and this isn't MG style and I know it but then I wonder if he loves me because there are times I can cuss him out in anger and he says nothing ...so it makes me wonder what the hell! Just things like that worry me especially when we are going to be living togather soon. I don't want to be this big brat all the time just to get punished but yet I can't deal with him allowing me to get away with things either. It's going to be a challenge for us both I believe!
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Spanking Related
Monday, March 26, 2007
My thoughts on the weekend
Things are going nuts here at work this morning! I love my job but I hate Mondays, if that makes any sense. Things seem to be better with MG and I , or we have at least talked things out and come up with a solution to try and work things out. He thought that I was trying to start an argument or control the relationship in order to get him to punish me. To a point that may be true in some ways. Sometimes I get this sense of loss of control and it seems to happen in patterns. I think that I do certain things to see how much I can get away with him. I have alot of stress and anxiety going on too.
I love this man very much but it doesn't mean I don't have my concerns or fears about living togather. I guess to a point that is normal, anything new sometimes is scary. I tasted my first bit of jealousy this weekend. In my past relationships I never experienced being "jealous" but of course I think my self-esteem and self-confidence were better back then too. MG plays with others which doesn't bother me in the least, I want him happy and if that makes him happy then I am ok with that. This past weekend he played with a friend of his who happens to be female and I was ok with it but I was worried at the same time. But at least he was honest with me and told me that he was going to be playing with her because he could have easily went behind my back since we are at such a distance right now. He says I gave him the feeling that what he was doing was not ok with me but it wasn't that, it was my feelings getting in the way of making him happy is what was really going on. He assured me that I have no reason to be jealous because he loves me and wants to be with me! It all still bothers me :(
I love this man very much but it doesn't mean I don't have my concerns or fears about living togather. I guess to a point that is normal, anything new sometimes is scary. I tasted my first bit of jealousy this weekend. In my past relationships I never experienced being "jealous" but of course I think my self-esteem and self-confidence were better back then too. MG plays with others which doesn't bother me in the least, I want him happy and if that makes him happy then I am ok with that. This past weekend he played with a friend of his who happens to be female and I was ok with it but I was worried at the same time. But at least he was honest with me and told me that he was going to be playing with her because he could have easily went behind my back since we are at such a distance right now. He says I gave him the feeling that what he was doing was not ok with me but it wasn't that, it was my feelings getting in the way of making him happy is what was really going on. He assured me that I have no reason to be jealous because he loves me and wants to be with me! It all still bothers me :(
Labels: My Thoughts
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Giving up on myself?
The way I am feeling right now is I want to do something to hurt me. I can't do anything right and I just feel like this worthless person :( The only thing I seem to do is frustrate, upset, or dissappoint. I feel so out of control! I am just physically and emotionally hurting so much :( The lack of sleep is taking it's toll on me physically and when I do fall asleep I end up having some horrible nightmares which just makes matters worse. My head hurts, and body aches but the emotional pain is so much worse on me than anything physical :( I just feel like giving up on me!
Labels: My Thoughts
Friday, March 23, 2007
T.G.I.F.
I had the day from hell and I can't explain it any better than that. Everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong and then some! This was more than just a bad day, things just kept coming down on me all day long! By the time I got off work I was upset, frustrated, crying, and depressed. My head hurts, and everything that can hurt in one's body hurts on mine. I was supposed to go out to dinner with a girlfriend of mine but she had to cancel due to her job wanting her to go on a weekend seminar at a moment's notice. She felt bad about cancelling but I told her I would be ok and not to worry about me, she knew I would be all alone this weekend and she really felt bad but I told her that things come up and it's not her fault and not to worry. Then another good friend of mine called me and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him, it was strange that he was calling me out of the blue like that to invite me because he usually doesn't do that but he said he had a feeling that I was down and he wanted to talk to me. I have known this guy since the 6th grade ...he's a great guy and has been a great friend throughout the years. He has been there for me and has been at every single major event whether it was good or bad in my life. He was there when I got married, he was there at the birth of my daughter, he was there at the still birth and funeral of my son....he just has always been there. I decided to go to dinner with him because I didn't want to go home to an empty house ...and I knew that MG would be busy tonite therefore I didn't want to be completley alone all nite long.
We went to dinner and had a really good time, although I couldn't get my mind off of MG ...or off of some other things that were going through my mind and he knew something was really bothering me so he asked and I just poured out my heart to him ....I was holding so much in and when he asked what was wrong I just blurted everything that was on my mind and everything that was bothering me. He listened as I cried on his shoulder ...well not literally on his shoulder but you know what I mean. He knows me well and he gave me his advice and he didn't judge me , critisize me or anything, he just listened! After dinner we went out to my son's grave because I needed to go and see him ...he drove me out there because I was crying and way to upset to drive. We got there and all I could do was cry some more ....every time I go there I get very emotional ...he put his arms around me and gave me a hug ...and all I could do was cry uncontrollably in his chest ...he was such a good friend and just kept hugging me like any friend would. For the most part I am glad that I went to dinner with him ...I just needed to get some type of emotional relief because I was just holding so much in :( He really didn't want me coming home alone tonite .....he wanted me to come and stay at his place but I told him I would be ok....although I am not ok but I didn't want to wear out my welcome!
I really wanted to play tonite but couldn't because the first friend of mine had to go out of town unexpectedly. I could have played with someone else but I am not that type to just play with anyone, in fact I don't like playing with alot of people, I feel I should save that for MG and I to enjoy togather. In fact the only reason why I play with the one friend is because MG is so far away , if he were here I wouldn't be playing with her at all. I had one of my readers ask me a question about that before ...why I don't play with others even when in a relationship with MG? And the answer to that is because I feel that playing and bdsm is a sacred thing that should be shared between two people who are in a committed relationship....it's as intimate as sex to me ...and I treat it that way! Now everyone does not agree with that and I respect other's opinions, but this is what works for me. For example if I were to play with a male Dom, I would feel like I was betraying MG and cheating on him therefore I don't even go there. I guess it's all in how a person looks at it and that is the way I look at it and that is why playing with others is not an option for me now and it never will be! My friend Jules thinks I am cheating myself when it comes to this , and she feels that I should be able to play with others without feeling like I was betraying or cheating on MG....then my friend tonite had some similiar views, but it's thier views and my view is just different!
We went to dinner and had a really good time, although I couldn't get my mind off of MG ...or off of some other things that were going through my mind and he knew something was really bothering me so he asked and I just poured out my heart to him ....I was holding so much in and when he asked what was wrong I just blurted everything that was on my mind and everything that was bothering me. He listened as I cried on his shoulder ...well not literally on his shoulder but you know what I mean. He knows me well and he gave me his advice and he didn't judge me , critisize me or anything, he just listened! After dinner we went out to my son's grave because I needed to go and see him ...he drove me out there because I was crying and way to upset to drive. We got there and all I could do was cry some more ....every time I go there I get very emotional ...he put his arms around me and gave me a hug ...and all I could do was cry uncontrollably in his chest ...he was such a good friend and just kept hugging me like any friend would. For the most part I am glad that I went to dinner with him ...I just needed to get some type of emotional relief because I was just holding so much in :( He really didn't want me coming home alone tonite .....he wanted me to come and stay at his place but I told him I would be ok....although I am not ok but I didn't want to wear out my welcome!
I really wanted to play tonite but couldn't because the first friend of mine had to go out of town unexpectedly. I could have played with someone else but I am not that type to just play with anyone, in fact I don't like playing with alot of people, I feel I should save that for MG and I to enjoy togather. In fact the only reason why I play with the one friend is because MG is so far away , if he were here I wouldn't be playing with her at all. I had one of my readers ask me a question about that before ...why I don't play with others even when in a relationship with MG? And the answer to that is because I feel that playing and bdsm is a sacred thing that should be shared between two people who are in a committed relationship....it's as intimate as sex to me ...and I treat it that way! Now everyone does not agree with that and I respect other's opinions, but this is what works for me. For example if I were to play with a male Dom, I would feel like I was betraying MG and cheating on him therefore I don't even go there. I guess it's all in how a person looks at it and that is the way I look at it and that is why playing with others is not an option for me now and it never will be! My friend Jules thinks I am cheating myself when it comes to this , and she feels that I should be able to play with others without feeling like I was betraying or cheating on MG....then my friend tonite had some similiar views, but it's thier views and my view is just different!
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts
Better day so far
Things are going better today with me ...at least so far, but who knows what is going to happen next, especially when it comes to my life, it's so unpredictable anymore that I am always on edge to what is going to happen next. Today I feel ok, I am emotionally more stable today than I was yesterday so that is a good thing. MG and I talked things out last nite and overall it went better than I expected so maybe there is hope, at least I saw more hope after last nite's talk than I saw the other day.
This weekend I need to do something fun and relaxing so I can at least have a decent weekend to where I am not finding myself staying in all day and crying by thinkng to much on what can go wrong. Saturday I have to go apartment hunting, so I am hoping that goes well. I need a fresh start and getting a new apartment is a start. I can't wait to start my life with MG, he will be down in a few short weeks and I am starting to get really excited as the time grows closer. I love him so much and we have been apart for so long that it's going to be really nice to finally be able to be togather. The distance between us has really put a toll on me, I miss him so much and it has been hard to be away from him for so long.
This weekend I need to do something fun and relaxing so I can at least have a decent weekend to where I am not finding myself staying in all day and crying by thinkng to much on what can go wrong. Saturday I have to go apartment hunting, so I am hoping that goes well. I need a fresh start and getting a new apartment is a start. I can't wait to start my life with MG, he will be down in a few short weeks and I am starting to get really excited as the time grows closer. I love him so much and we have been apart for so long that it's going to be really nice to finally be able to be togather. The distance between us has really put a toll on me, I miss him so much and it has been hard to be away from him for so long.
Labels: My Thoughts
Thursday, March 22, 2007
My Thoughts Going Through My Mind
Before I write my entry for today I just wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who reads here and comments here. I really appreciate all of the great advice and opinions on the comments ....it really helps me to know that I am not "out of my mind" or the only one out there who feels the same or similiar to me. I have been going through a really rough time in my life and it helps to come here and write out my feelings or vent ...and it really is a comfort to know that I have readers who really care. Alot of times I am really negative here and I am learning to try to be more positive but it is going to take time, it's a healing process and I know that I didn't get this way overnite , therefore the healing process is not going to be an overnite thing either. Anyways I just wanted to say thanks to all who have commented here and gave thier advice truly from thier heart!
I wish I could say that I am having a great week ....for once I would love to have a great week where I am not crying, not stressing out, not feeling lonely, sad, hurt, and worthless , but we don't live in a perfect world and I am finding that out the hard way! People who know me know that I have been sheltered most of my life ...and being sheltered from life, hard times, financial problems ect. sounds great but in the long run it's not so great, in fact it's been very hard on me due to being so sheltered in the past. I was raised in a D/s household ...my parents at first glance looked like the perfect couple with no problems but in reality there were alot of problems including some very dark secrets. I was a pretty happy kid growing up for the most part or I tried to be, I tried to mask the real emotional pain I was in by allowing people to see the "happy" side, but in reality I was hurting a whole lot! I still do that today as an adult because it's safe!
I was daddy's little girl growing up and it felt good to be that special little girl to him, I felt safe and secure and he made sure that everything was ok no matter what it was, if I got hurt he made sure to make it all better and that made me feel special. I went from my fathers home to my husband's home and in the beginning my husband was that security blanket for me, essentially he took my fathers place in a way. I didn't have to worry about finances, life's problems, or any kind of worry and I liked it that way! But in the end after my husband and I split, not having that security blanket anymore hurt me. I was dependent on my husband in every kind of way ...I was emotionally and financially dependent on him and that was not a good thing.
Now that I am on my own I have to say that I have been scared , stressed out and just plain frustrated. I have had to learn things that I should have learned a long time ago, through the help of MG and family and friends I have done ok I think. I don't feel secure like I once did though but in time I am hoping to feel that too. What I have learned through this experience? I have learned that to be totally dependent on someone is not good and in fact can be dangerous in the long run. I always thought that being in a D/s relationship meant that the Dom was totally in charge no matter what and that the submissive had no say at all...I now know that is not true when it comes to a healthy D/s relationship. I was in a very abusive D/s relationship and for a very long time I thought it was the norm, I am just glad that I finally opened my eyes to it and got out! I am now hoping to have a very happy and healthy D/s relationship with MG...that I am looking forward too!
But things are far from perfect with MG and I ...and I am having a hard time with it. I guess I just thought that there was no way he and I could have any type of problem because what I went through in my past I handled quite well therefore I nautrally thought that I could handle anything that comes up with MG and I but I am finding that I am having a hard time handling alot of our problems that are coming up and I have to say that it disturbs me. I am so overly sensitive from past abuse that anything he does wrong in my eyes ...whether it's the slightest thing or not upsets me to the point of lots of tears, and an emotional breakdown to the point where it takes several days to get over! We got into another fight last nite and I was just very hurt ...so hurt that I couldn't even talk to him ....all I did was cry silently , answer his questions and then hung up with him early! He says I am smothering him, not sensitive towards him, and I only think about me, me, me and I resent him for saying that because I don't see it that way! I have never smothered a guy in any relationship that I have had (which I have only had two relationships before MG ...my husband and then one other guy) so why would I start now! As far as me only thinking about myself ...I am not that selfish and it really hurt that he would say this to me. The way I see it is he is the insensitive one and he only hears what he wants to hear but fuck the rest! He doesn't take any kind of responsibility of the cruel and insensitive things he says to me, I can at least admit when I say something yet he can't!
Tonite we are supposed to talk about all of this ...yet I am not sure if we are going to get any of it solved and that is because we both disagree with each other and we are both very stubborn which doesn't help matters. I am not saying I am perfect, I am far from it and I do have some emotional problems and also some problems with binging/purging and hurting myself with that when I feel bad, but he knew all of this from the very start of meeting me, it's not like I just landed this on him but now he says it's driving him away which really hurt because it was like he just slapped me in the fact with saying that when he told me from the start of our relationship that the would never give up on me :( I am just really hurt by all he has said and I am not sure how I am going to get past it at this point!
I wish I could say that I am having a great week ....for once I would love to have a great week where I am not crying, not stressing out, not feeling lonely, sad, hurt, and worthless , but we don't live in a perfect world and I am finding that out the hard way! People who know me know that I have been sheltered most of my life ...and being sheltered from life, hard times, financial problems ect. sounds great but in the long run it's not so great, in fact it's been very hard on me due to being so sheltered in the past. I was raised in a D/s household ...my parents at first glance looked like the perfect couple with no problems but in reality there were alot of problems including some very dark secrets. I was a pretty happy kid growing up for the most part or I tried to be, I tried to mask the real emotional pain I was in by allowing people to see the "happy" side, but in reality I was hurting a whole lot! I still do that today as an adult because it's safe!
I was daddy's little girl growing up and it felt good to be that special little girl to him, I felt safe and secure and he made sure that everything was ok no matter what it was, if I got hurt he made sure to make it all better and that made me feel special. I went from my fathers home to my husband's home and in the beginning my husband was that security blanket for me, essentially he took my fathers place in a way. I didn't have to worry about finances, life's problems, or any kind of worry and I liked it that way! But in the end after my husband and I split, not having that security blanket anymore hurt me. I was dependent on my husband in every kind of way ...I was emotionally and financially dependent on him and that was not a good thing.
Now that I am on my own I have to say that I have been scared , stressed out and just plain frustrated. I have had to learn things that I should have learned a long time ago, through the help of MG and family and friends I have done ok I think. I don't feel secure like I once did though but in time I am hoping to feel that too. What I have learned through this experience? I have learned that to be totally dependent on someone is not good and in fact can be dangerous in the long run. I always thought that being in a D/s relationship meant that the Dom was totally in charge no matter what and that the submissive had no say at all...I now know that is not true when it comes to a healthy D/s relationship. I was in a very abusive D/s relationship and for a very long time I thought it was the norm, I am just glad that I finally opened my eyes to it and got out! I am now hoping to have a very happy and healthy D/s relationship with MG...that I am looking forward too!
But things are far from perfect with MG and I ...and I am having a hard time with it. I guess I just thought that there was no way he and I could have any type of problem because what I went through in my past I handled quite well therefore I nautrally thought that I could handle anything that comes up with MG and I but I am finding that I am having a hard time handling alot of our problems that are coming up and I have to say that it disturbs me. I am so overly sensitive from past abuse that anything he does wrong in my eyes ...whether it's the slightest thing or not upsets me to the point of lots of tears, and an emotional breakdown to the point where it takes several days to get over! We got into another fight last nite and I was just very hurt ...so hurt that I couldn't even talk to him ....all I did was cry silently , answer his questions and then hung up with him early! He says I am smothering him, not sensitive towards him, and I only think about me, me, me and I resent him for saying that because I don't see it that way! I have never smothered a guy in any relationship that I have had (which I have only had two relationships before MG ...my husband and then one other guy) so why would I start now! As far as me only thinking about myself ...I am not that selfish and it really hurt that he would say this to me. The way I see it is he is the insensitive one and he only hears what he wants to hear but fuck the rest! He doesn't take any kind of responsibility of the cruel and insensitive things he says to me, I can at least admit when I say something yet he can't!
Tonite we are supposed to talk about all of this ...yet I am not sure if we are going to get any of it solved and that is because we both disagree with each other and we are both very stubborn which doesn't help matters. I am not saying I am perfect, I am far from it and I do have some emotional problems and also some problems with binging/purging and hurting myself with that when I feel bad, but he knew all of this from the very start of meeting me, it's not like I just landed this on him but now he says it's driving him away which really hurt because it was like he just slapped me in the fact with saying that when he told me from the start of our relationship that the would never give up on me :( I am just really hurt by all he has said and I am not sure how I am going to get past it at this point!
Labels: My Thoughts
Monday, March 19, 2007
Thoughts written down on paper
These thoughts came from my personal journal that I write for myself as it helps me to write on a daily basis about my feelings and thoughts ect. Today I have been feeling sad, hurt, lonely and depressed because MG and I got into a major fight on the phone last nite. I hate it when we fight, it really makes me feel helpless, scared and very alone. I love him so much and when we fight I question if he really loves me, as I am sure he questions if I really love him. He said some things that really hurt me, it made me feel really bad about myself and I start to question if I really deserve any kind of happiness. He said that I "do it to myself", meaning I bring it on myself :( In other words he takes no responsibility of how his words hurt me.
Love is a double edged sword...you have to be strong enough to take the good with the bad, take the ups and the downs, the emotional hurt and the feelings of love ect. It's really a chance your taking, you either get through it and no matter what you love that person or you go through alot of heartache and pain! I know I love MG ...I knew it very early on in our relationship, I just hate these times we have when we fight :( MG says that it's all about me all the time but what he doesn't realize is I do think about him and his feelings ...I know it's not all about me ....there are two of us in this relationship and I do realize that. But I will guard my heart as much as possible, that's just human nature, none of us wants to be hurt by someone we love. My mistake in my last relationship was I didn't guard my heart ....I was not careful or cautious....I gave my all and loved a person who did not love me ...this time I will guard my heart and I will be careful and cautious because I don't want to make the same mistakes.
Love is a double edged sword...you have to be strong enough to take the good with the bad, take the ups and the downs, the emotional hurt and the feelings of love ect. It's really a chance your taking, you either get through it and no matter what you love that person or you go through alot of heartache and pain! I know I love MG ...I knew it very early on in our relationship, I just hate these times we have when we fight :( MG says that it's all about me all the time but what he doesn't realize is I do think about him and his feelings ...I know it's not all about me ....there are two of us in this relationship and I do realize that. But I will guard my heart as much as possible, that's just human nature, none of us wants to be hurt by someone we love. My mistake in my last relationship was I didn't guard my heart ....I was not careful or cautious....I gave my all and loved a person who did not love me ...this time I will guard my heart and I will be careful and cautious because I don't want to make the same mistakes.
Labels: My Thoughts
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Trying to have a positive outlook on life
Today is Saturday and I should be getting "things" done but I am just not up to it ....I feel sad and lonely and I just want to sit here and "pout" (the brat in me lol). Today I have been thinking about the good memories that MG and I have shared so far, we have had some really good times togather and that is what is keeping me more positive. I am a pretty negative person...I never used to be but somehow I have changed in that area and it's really hard for me to keep a positive mind about things. When things are going bad then I just focus on all of the negative outcomes and I know that is not good so I am trying to change that but it's hard for me. I guess bad habits are hard to break! I know I need to learn how to count my blessings more ...I think as I heal more from past hurts and heartbreak that my out look on life will be in a more positive light. Everything I have been through and am going through will only make me a stronger person in the end and that is how I have to look at it in order to get through it without totally losing it!
Labels: My Thoughts
Thursday, March 15, 2007
My first caning in a long time
Well I just got back from a friend's house a whole hour and fifteen minutes before MG is supposed to be calling me after he gets done with work. I hate when he has to work late ...cause it means less time we get to spend time togather on the phone, and the last week and a half we have spent alot less time on the phone because of his job :( He works to hard and to much in my opinon but it seems that every man that has been in my life has been a workaholic ....lucky me!
Tonite I had fun with my friend ...she is a very good friend of mine and lately we have been spending alot of time "playing" or role playing as others would call it. She is a Domme and let's just say that I have to get most of my spanking needs met through her ...that is until MG moves down here to be with me but until then I have to "play" at least three times a week! MG knows and approves of me getting spanked by her ...although he has made it clear that he does not want me playing heavy ...I have argued with him on that one ...it's one thing I am not ready to give up just yet! And I guess you could say tonite was one of those nites where I just wanted to play a little harder than usual ....and I did...it's usally afterwards that I feel really bad that I didn't listen to what he wants but I don't think he really understands my need for this. He has made it perfectly clear that he won't play hard with me and I have accepted that ....that's his choice but if I choose to play hard with someone he has approved of then I feel that is my choice.
Lately I have been feeling really bad about past guilt and how it makes me feel ...I have posted several previous postings on here about it. Well tonite I decided that I wanted to try and get rid of that guilt through a caning ...now everyone who knows me knows that I DO NOT like the cane at all ...it is my most feared implement and for good reason ...so a request like this made by me shocked her. She was hesitant at first but I told her that I would just go through a friend of hers that I know very well through her and she knew very well I would do it just to get what I wanted so she agreed to cane me. It was not a hard caning ...but anyone who has any experiences with the cane knows that it doesn't have to be hard for it to hurt like hell! It's been a long time since I have had a caning ...so the marks look worse than they really are ...and it hurts to sit which I figure will last for a few days but it helped me , I feel much better emotionally than before.
Of course afterwards my friend was concerned about how I have been feeling and how I handle it so we talked a good while ...and nautrally I broke down in tears ...she listened ...understood ...gave advice. I have been having a really hard time dealing with my feelings ....and most of why that is is because I am not used to expressing my feelings ...I am used to withdrawing and internalizing them which causes a great deal of emotional pain for me which is not good and not a good way of dealing with them. And I have been dealing with lonliness alot ...that is the hard one for me ...I have very few friends ...my family is no help to me so basically it's just me, myself and I most of the time ...it's just hard coping with it :(
Tonite I had fun with my friend ...she is a very good friend of mine and lately we have been spending alot of time "playing" or role playing as others would call it. She is a Domme and let's just say that I have to get most of my spanking needs met through her ...that is until MG moves down here to be with me but until then I have to "play" at least three times a week! MG knows and approves of me getting spanked by her ...although he has made it clear that he does not want me playing heavy ...I have argued with him on that one ...it's one thing I am not ready to give up just yet! And I guess you could say tonite was one of those nites where I just wanted to play a little harder than usual ....and I did...it's usally afterwards that I feel really bad that I didn't listen to what he wants but I don't think he really understands my need for this. He has made it perfectly clear that he won't play hard with me and I have accepted that ....that's his choice but if I choose to play hard with someone he has approved of then I feel that is my choice.
Lately I have been feeling really bad about past guilt and how it makes me feel ...I have posted several previous postings on here about it. Well tonite I decided that I wanted to try and get rid of that guilt through a caning ...now everyone who knows me knows that I DO NOT like the cane at all ...it is my most feared implement and for good reason ...so a request like this made by me shocked her. She was hesitant at first but I told her that I would just go through a friend of hers that I know very well through her and she knew very well I would do it just to get what I wanted so she agreed to cane me. It was not a hard caning ...but anyone who has any experiences with the cane knows that it doesn't have to be hard for it to hurt like hell! It's been a long time since I have had a caning ...so the marks look worse than they really are ...and it hurts to sit which I figure will last for a few days but it helped me , I feel much better emotionally than before.
Of course afterwards my friend was concerned about how I have been feeling and how I handle it so we talked a good while ...and nautrally I broke down in tears ...she listened ...understood ...gave advice. I have been having a really hard time dealing with my feelings ....and most of why that is is because I am not used to expressing my feelings ...I am used to withdrawing and internalizing them which causes a great deal of emotional pain for me which is not good and not a good way of dealing with them. And I have been dealing with lonliness alot ...that is the hard one for me ...I have very few friends ...my family is no help to me so basically it's just me, myself and I most of the time ...it's just hard coping with it :(
Labels: My Thoughts, Spanking Related
About the title of my blog
I have many readers of my blog that have emailed me asking me why I have named my blog "Brat Out Of Control" ....it does seem strange that a submissive would name thier blog that title so I thought I would add an entry here explaining it here instead of having to email everyone indiviually. The reason for the title is because I am slightly out of control in alot of ways and I do classify myself as a "brat" on occasion although I am sure MG would dispute otherwise! I have had alot of changes in my life in the last few years and some of those changes have been for the positive and some have been negative...I guess I can't complain ...I need to take the good with the bad. Right now I feel very out of control because MG (the best thing that has happened to me) is over 1100 miles away ...he is my EVERYTHING...my Dom, my best friend, my soul mate and it's hard to be apart...I miss him alot. But I guess the main reason for the title is because I sometimes do feel like I am just a brat out of control ....and that is because MG is not here to see that I stay under control ...although he does a pretty good job from over 1100 miles away for the most part!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
My deepest thoughts
Words can not really describe how I feel tonite .....
I guess confused, angry , and sad are just a few to describe my mood.
Others telling me what is good for me and what isn't good for me ....it just irks me.
Maybe they are doing more harm than good? Maybe what isn't good for one person may be good for another.
God I feel so lousy tonite ...sad...lonely...oh so lonely :(
I hate feeling lonely ...it's the worst feeling in the world ..at least in my mind.
Sometimes I try to numb the pain of lonliness through other hurtful things ...sometimes I need the pain of a hard spanking in order to get through the lonely times ..the stressful times...the bad times.
That is how I deal with it ...it's how I have always dealt with it. It's hard to change! I just need someone to care enough about me and just spank me until I am spent ...until I can't take no more ...until I can cry no more ...but according to them , it's not good for me :(
I say that is what I need to heal ..to deal ...to let go of the guilt ....but instead they stop me, tell me it's not good for me and I listen because I respect them enough ...
BUT ...what about ME? I am the one who is still hurting....they get what they want and I just get to hold onto the guilt ...lucky me :(
I guess confused, angry , and sad are just a few to describe my mood.
Others telling me what is good for me and what isn't good for me ....it just irks me.
Maybe they are doing more harm than good? Maybe what isn't good for one person may be good for another.
God I feel so lousy tonite ...sad...lonely...oh so lonely :(
I hate feeling lonely ...it's the worst feeling in the world ..at least in my mind.
Sometimes I try to numb the pain of lonliness through other hurtful things ...sometimes I need the pain of a hard spanking in order to get through the lonely times ..the stressful times...the bad times.
That is how I deal with it ...it's how I have always dealt with it. It's hard to change! I just need someone to care enough about me and just spank me until I am spent ...until I can't take no more ...until I can cry no more ...but according to them , it's not good for me :(
I say that is what I need to heal ..to deal ...to let go of the guilt ....but instead they stop me, tell me it's not good for me and I listen because I respect them enough ...
BUT ...what about ME? I am the one who is still hurting....they get what they want and I just get to hold onto the guilt ...lucky me :(
Labels: My Thoughts
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
I can't go on like this
Dealing with alot lately and I keep wondering when will my life be normal? Will I ever feel at peace? Will I ever stop feeling guilty? The guilt is completley my fault and I know that but I want to be able to go on and get over it but I can't! I think what makes me feel the worst is knowing that I have lied to MG and let him down and now the trust between us is gone ...it makes me feel really bad. I don't know how to fix it and I am not sure if it can be fixed at this point.
I couldn't get any sleep last nite ...between being sick with this sinus infection and crying equalled no sleep for me. I ended up binging and purging last nite ...which I promised myself I wouldn't do but I just felt really upset and out of control to the point of binging and purging. I felt like I needed to punish myself and that is what I did to do it. It may not make sense to many but it makes complete sense to me. I hate myself when I do this and I feel terrible later but at the time it does serve it's purpose. But I know something has to give because I can't go on like this :(
I couldn't get any sleep last nite ...between being sick with this sinus infection and crying equalled no sleep for me. I ended up binging and purging last nite ...which I promised myself I wouldn't do but I just felt really upset and out of control to the point of binging and purging. I felt like I needed to punish myself and that is what I did to do it. It may not make sense to many but it makes complete sense to me. I hate myself when I do this and I feel terrible later but at the time it does serve it's purpose. But I know something has to give because I can't go on like this :(
Labels: My Thoughts
Friday, March 09, 2007
Time and it's Importance To Me
Time? How important is time to you? To me it's become very important...especially time spent with the ones I love. I take time spent with MG very seriously ...so seriously that I get upset when our time is cut. MG and I talk everyday ....several times a day...and every nite ...those times I look forward too because we are in a long distance relationship therefore the time I spend with him on the phone is very important to me but I sometimes wonder how important it is to him but that is a whole other story. The last few nites MG has cut our talk time and it affects me alot ...the reasons he does this is because he is tired, has to be up early and I understand all of that ...but on the other hand I do have needs too so I get upset. Every nite we talk until 10:30 texas time but when he shortens it , it does upset me. Am I being selfish? Probably so but I have this need to talk to him alot and I think it's because of our distance right now and also because no other needs are being taken care of ....therefore time spent talking to each other is a very important factor in our relationship.
I hate this long distance thing ...we only have the phone time to spend with each other for which I am very grateful for ....but the time has come to where that isn't even enough for either of us and that is why he is moving here soon but until then our talk time is important. I think that I am this way because of alot of insecurities with my last relationship ....the guy never spent any time with me and I accepted this behavior because I was young and very naive and I thought that being a submissive meant putting up with BS ...but since getting out of that "sick" and "abusive" relationship I have learned alot ...and I also found out that I don't have to put up with BS ...and I do have a mind of my own ..and I do have needs. I did bring up the time factor to MG ...he didn't say much but I did get my point across. I told him that he owed me 23 minutes of his time sometime this weekend ...(an idea I got from an online friend) and I feel that he should give me that time back because I deserve that much at least! If he decides to take out 23 minutes of time from our week then he should give it back during the weekend when he does have more time for me...and that is how this BRAT feels!!
I hate this long distance thing ...we only have the phone time to spend with each other for which I am very grateful for ....but the time has come to where that isn't even enough for either of us and that is why he is moving here soon but until then our talk time is important. I think that I am this way because of alot of insecurities with my last relationship ....the guy never spent any time with me and I accepted this behavior because I was young and very naive and I thought that being a submissive meant putting up with BS ...but since getting out of that "sick" and "abusive" relationship I have learned alot ...and I also found out that I don't have to put up with BS ...and I do have a mind of my own ..and I do have needs. I did bring up the time factor to MG ...he didn't say much but I did get my point across. I told him that he owed me 23 minutes of his time sometime this weekend ...(an idea I got from an online friend) and I feel that he should give me that time back because I deserve that much at least! If he decides to take out 23 minutes of time from our week then he should give it back during the weekend when he does have more time for me...and that is how this BRAT feels!!
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Feeling physically ill and emotionally down
Just wanted to take a moment to write some of my thoughts down this morning before I go off to work. Last nite was terrible ...I got maybe an hour of sleep ...I was up and down ...still sick with this cold ...and feeling really bad emotionally doesn't help matters. I cried all nite long ...I guess that is how I finally got to sleep for the hour I did sleep. Not sure how I am going to get through today at work ...hoping for an easy day I guess.
Labels: My Thoughts
Monday, March 05, 2007
My Feelings
feeling down
feeling alone
emotionally upset
physically feeling ill.
Just not myself today.
Crying ...sometimes uncontrollably, sometimes for no reason at all.
Hard to believe that one can cry and not have a reason?
Ready to give up but then I come to my senses and think about my life now.
My future is bright, but it's the present that is important.
Feeling out of control, feeling unsubmissive, feeling like no body. Feeling worthless. At times feeling numb. Sometimes it's better to feel nothing than to feel emotional pain.
Last nite was hard and I was so hoping to wake up to a happier me, but no such luck! I tossed and turned all nite long ...I couldn't sleep....some of the reason was because of the physical illness ...but some of the reason was because of the emotional ups and downs. I finally cried myself to sleep! At least in my sleep I have peace of mind, but when I awaken I again have to deal with life!
feeling alone
emotionally upset
physically feeling ill.
Just not myself today.
Crying ...sometimes uncontrollably, sometimes for no reason at all.
Hard to believe that one can cry and not have a reason?
Ready to give up but then I come to my senses and think about my life now.
My future is bright, but it's the present that is important.
Feeling out of control, feeling unsubmissive, feeling like no body. Feeling worthless. At times feeling numb. Sometimes it's better to feel nothing than to feel emotional pain.
Last nite was hard and I was so hoping to wake up to a happier me, but no such luck! I tossed and turned all nite long ...I couldn't sleep....some of the reason was because of the physical illness ...but some of the reason was because of the emotional ups and downs. I finally cried myself to sleep! At least in my sleep I have peace of mind, but when I awaken I again have to deal with life!
Labels: Poetry
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Missing MG/Feeling Lonely
Just feeling lonely this morning, I swear I go to bed feeling lonely and I wake up feeling lonely ...I would think by now that I would have gotten used to it but I haven't. I wonder if I will ever get used to it? I cried myself to sleep last nite ...I tried not too but I got this uncontrollable urge to cry ....alot of times it helps to just let it all out and cry ....I have no other way to release my feelings besides that and I am used to crying all the time anyways ...it's like second nature to me. I miss MG ...I miss his touch, his hugs, his smile, I miss lying in bed with him and just cuddling and talking, I miss waking up with him in the mornings and having coffee togather.....I just miss him so much and our distance doesn't help matters. I just need him and it hurts when we aren't togather. We talk several times a day, everyday and I am grateful for that but there are times when I just need to hug him, touch him, and look into his eyes so I know everything is going to be ok. I never knew missing someone could hurt so much! The weekends are the hardest for me and that is because I am not working therefore I have to much time to think and get depressed ...during the week when I am working I seem to be much better ....but at times I am not even during the week. I have my good days but I also have my bad days too. I don't think it's going to get much better until MG and I are togather ...which hopefully will be very soon!
I try really hard to do what MG wants ...he wants me taking care of myself, eating properly, sleeping and all that ...and I try very hard to please him by doing what I am supposed to do but sometimes I just get very overwhelmed with emotions and I don't want to eat or I can't sleep, not that I do it on purpose. I hate disappointing him therefore I try very hard not too. I don't like myself when I get into trouble or break his rules , in fact I hate myself when I do that but I think that links back to my past relationship and that is why I do that. I am not sure that MG completley understands why I don't feel very submissive right now or why I need him all the time or why I am crying alot ....and I try to express how I am feeling to him as much as possible so he can understand where I am coming from and why. I really think that once MG and I are living togather and we are in a full time D/s relationship then things will be ok. I know I have to work on things within myself in order to be completley ok ...but I think with time, love, and acceptance I will be ok and I will start feeling like the old me again!
I try really hard to do what MG wants ...he wants me taking care of myself, eating properly, sleeping and all that ...and I try very hard to please him by doing what I am supposed to do but sometimes I just get very overwhelmed with emotions and I don't want to eat or I can't sleep, not that I do it on purpose. I hate disappointing him therefore I try very hard not too. I don't like myself when I get into trouble or break his rules , in fact I hate myself when I do that but I think that links back to my past relationship and that is why I do that. I am not sure that MG completley understands why I don't feel very submissive right now or why I need him all the time or why I am crying alot ....and I try to express how I am feeling to him as much as possible so he can understand where I am coming from and why. I really think that once MG and I are living togather and we are in a full time D/s relationship then things will be ok. I know I have to work on things within myself in order to be completley ok ...but I think with time, love, and acceptance I will be ok and I will start feeling like the old me again!
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Feeling Out Of Control
Tonite I feel really out of control ...hence the title of this blog! I decided to take a ride and just drive ...didn't matter where I was going or where I ended up, I just needed some time to think and I needed to be completley alone, it helped some! I just feel like I am completley on my own ...most of all I feel really alone...a deep sense of lonliness comes over me alot, especially on the weekends :( I don't even feel submissive anymore and that is bothersome. I didn't sign up for this ...to feel like this...I hate it! Submission is something I need to feel and if I don't feel it then I feel completely worthless ...it's something that is important to me and if I don't have it then I just feel really out of control ...and I hate that feeling!
Labels: My Thoughts
Friday, March 02, 2007
Sweet & Feisty Southern Woman or Just Bratty??
This morning as I was driving to work I was listening to a very popular local radio station here in Houston. I always love listening to the two DJ's in the morning hours on the way to work ...they are always funny and it's good to hear some humor that early in the morning especially LOL. They were talking about southern woman and how "sweet" and "feisty" we are! I have always heard that us southern woman are more feisty than northern woman are and it always has come from the mouth of a male when I have heard it. Then they had a caller come on the air to add that southern woman are not only "feisty" but "bratty" as well ....he went on to say how every woman he ever dated down south always ended up being somewhat of a brat but how he loved it because it brought excitment and spark to the relationship! There are some that would be offended at being called a "brat" but I take it as a compliment and I always have. Being the "brat" is fun and it does bring excitment and lots of spark to a relationship :) Everytime MG says I am a brat or refers to me as his brat I absolutley love it!! It puts butterflies in my tummy when he says "How is my brat doing today" or "Your such a brat"....it's just fun! Note to MG ...keep calling me a brat sweetie :)
Labels: D/s relationships, My Thoughts, Spanking Related