Brat Out Of Control
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Feelings
I have no one to vent to so I am going to vent all of my frustrations here. Lucky readers or I guess not so lucky! This past weekend was hard and this week has been no easier ...I guess it's just life but I have to tell you I am about sick of life and all of it's problems! I have so many unhealthy habits and I can't seem to break many of them but I am trying hard too. Not many who read here know my whole story but I think that if you read here on a consistent basis you can pretty much figure out who I am as a person and how I think! Tonite I was supposed to be "playing" with a good friend of mine but this person felt that I was not in a good emotional state to play ....so instead we talked ...or more like I just started to dump out all of my feelings on her ...it all just came out and I started to cry :( I am finding it hard to deal with problems and the way I deal with them now is not healthy for me but right now I don't love myself enough because I just seem to want to hurt myself more than love myself.
MG is worried about me and I know that he wonders what is really going on with me and I try to tell him but alot of times I find it hard to tell him most things that are bothering me and I am not sure what I am afraid of but I am not willing to find out either so alot of times we end up in a fight or argument over the fact that I can't tell him how I am feeling and it leaves me feeling like a failure and feeling as if I don't deserve his love! I just wish I could make him happy and tell him how I feel and what I am feeling. I think I am much better than I used to be with it but I need much improvment and a long way to go with it. I just can't help but feel that I am this "bad" person and I deserve whatever I get in life ..whether it be good or bad! I seem to want to go and play heavy when MG and I have a fight and I think it's because I feel I deserve heavy punishment for acting the way I do towards him :( Just alot of feelings of guilt that seem to consume me as well!
MG is worried about me and I know that he wonders what is really going on with me and I try to tell him but alot of times I find it hard to tell him most things that are bothering me and I am not sure what I am afraid of but I am not willing to find out either so alot of times we end up in a fight or argument over the fact that I can't tell him how I am feeling and it leaves me feeling like a failure and feeling as if I don't deserve his love! I just wish I could make him happy and tell him how I feel and what I am feeling. I think I am much better than I used to be with it but I need much improvment and a long way to go with it. I just can't help but feel that I am this "bad" person and I deserve whatever I get in life ..whether it be good or bad! I seem to want to go and play heavy when MG and I have a fight and I think it's because I feel I deserve heavy punishment for acting the way I do towards him :( Just alot of feelings of guilt that seem to consume me as well!
Labels: My Thoughts
Friday, February 23, 2007
I just want to be happy!
TGIF and that is how I feel tonite! Friday means the weekend is here and that means rest and relaxation are here for me! This week was rather busy and stressful and I am glad it's over! I don't handle stress very well as I am soon finding out. Things just have seemed to spiral out of control for me lately and I am so trying to be upbeat and positive but it's hard for me right now! All I can think about is my life, the problems I have, and how it seems to be getting worse rather than better. I just never imagined life to be this hard....this is exactly what I was afraid of :( Everytime I start feeling good about things and I see that things are going along great something or someone comes along and crushes my hopes and dreams or tries to put a damper on them at least!
As a little girl I used to dream about getting married, having a cute house with a small white picket fence around it and having lots of children and living happily ever after......boy was I just fantasizing! Now after going through ten years of the marriage from hell all I want are simple things ...I just want to be happy and I want to make MG happy and us just live a happy life togather, at least now I am aware that it won't be perfect but it can be near enough perfect as long as we love each other! Of course my mother doesn't make things easy for me and he reminders of what I am giving up is really starting to annoy me at this point ....I know what I am doing and I have told her that time and time again but for some reason she doesn't want to listen and just stay out of my buisness! I just wish she could for once in her life be happy for me, and love me for me and accept me for who I am now and not what I should have been in her mind! I just want to be happy!
As a little girl I used to dream about getting married, having a cute house with a small white picket fence around it and having lots of children and living happily ever after......boy was I just fantasizing! Now after going through ten years of the marriage from hell all I want are simple things ...I just want to be happy and I want to make MG happy and us just live a happy life togather, at least now I am aware that it won't be perfect but it can be near enough perfect as long as we love each other! Of course my mother doesn't make things easy for me and he reminders of what I am giving up is really starting to annoy me at this point ....I know what I am doing and I have told her that time and time again but for some reason she doesn't want to listen and just stay out of my buisness! I just wish she could for once in her life be happy for me, and love me for me and accept me for who I am now and not what I should have been in her mind! I just want to be happy!
Labels: My Thoughts
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Random Thoughts
Things seem so complicated in my life right now...so unsettled and unresolved and it makes me crazy to think I have no control of any of those factors right now. This divorce that I am going through is harder than I ever expected it to be. Trying to compromise with your soon to be ex-husband is emotionally wearing me down...I almost just want to file on my end and be done with it and who cares if I get anything out of it because the most important thing that I want out of it is to be done with him and him out of my life forever.
I miss MG a whole lot and everyday seems to get harder rather than easier. I am holding on to so much guilt and the only way I know how to deal with it is to play with a friend of mine and just imagine that the guilt is disapparing with every session I have with that person, but it only seems to make matters worse and it leads me to wanting a harder session the next time around :( I don't know why I crave pain and punishment so much but the only conclusion that I can come up with is because it takes away the feelings of guilt ....if I can get physical pain then that takes away the emotional pain but only for the moment. There are days when I feel normal and then there are days when I feel like a total basket case. I wake up every morning and I ask myself one question and that question is "Michelle are you going to love yourself today or hate yourself?" Some days I do love myself but other days I end up hating myself and those are the days that I don't look forward too so every day that I love myself are the days I cherish.
I miss MG a whole lot and everyday seems to get harder rather than easier. I am holding on to so much guilt and the only way I know how to deal with it is to play with a friend of mine and just imagine that the guilt is disapparing with every session I have with that person, but it only seems to make matters worse and it leads me to wanting a harder session the next time around :( I don't know why I crave pain and punishment so much but the only conclusion that I can come up with is because it takes away the feelings of guilt ....if I can get physical pain then that takes away the emotional pain but only for the moment. There are days when I feel normal and then there are days when I feel like a total basket case. I wake up every morning and I ask myself one question and that question is "Michelle are you going to love yourself today or hate yourself?" Some days I do love myself but other days I end up hating myself and those are the days that I don't look forward too so every day that I love myself are the days I cherish.
Labels: My Thoughts
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Life is Hard
Life is hard.
For me it's a road that is bumpy.
They say when life gets you down to look on the bright side, but where is my bright side?
I look in the mirror and I see a failure.
I have failed at many things in my life ...and I am just now seeing how much.
I was very sheltered and now it's hurting me. I never knew how sheltered until now.
I try to love myself but I can't.
There is nothing to love about me.
I have been abused, battered, and broken. I don't have the pieces to fix it.
Life has me on my knees and the question is do I have enough strength to get back up on my feet and fight? Fight for my self esteem, fight for my self confidence, fight to love myself? Those questions for now remain unanswered.
For me it's a road that is bumpy.
They say when life gets you down to look on the bright side, but where is my bright side?
I look in the mirror and I see a failure.
I have failed at many things in my life ...and I am just now seeing how much.
I was very sheltered and now it's hurting me. I never knew how sheltered until now.
I try to love myself but I can't.
There is nothing to love about me.
I have been abused, battered, and broken. I don't have the pieces to fix it.
Life has me on my knees and the question is do I have enough strength to get back up on my feet and fight? Fight for my self esteem, fight for my self confidence, fight to love myself? Those questions for now remain unanswered.
Labels: Poetry
Friday, February 09, 2007
Feeling Guilty
Today my thoughts have been on the word "guilty", the correct webster's dictionary definition of "guilty" is a: suggesting or involving guilt b: aware of or suffering from guilt . This is something I have suffered from even as a child, to where I just can't stand myself if I have done something so wrong as to cause myself to feel guilty. I was thinking back to my childhood when this started, and I do remember where I could not stand to disappoint my father and when I did disappoint him I always felt very guilty for whatever I did that made him be disappointed in me. But once I was punished for whatever it was that made me feel guilty and he forgave me and I knew he forgave me because his actions of punishing me was where the forgivness began then it was like a clean slate and I could start new.
I have carried this into my adulthood ....and when I was a child I could make the excuse that I didn't know any better and I was just a child but now can I make those same excuses? No I can't. I am now an adult and I do know better so why can't I stop myself from making certain mistakes in my life ...because I know where it will lead too ...it will lead to me feeling guilty and having MG upset with me and disappointed in me which is what I want to avoid in the first place. It's almost like I subconciously do things in order to get into "trouble" so I can go through the motions of feeling guilty and being punished so I can feel good again about me. It's almost like I miss the discipline I had when I was growing up. My dad was very old fashioned and he used spanking as part of his diciplinary methods with all three of us kids ....which I hated as a kid, but what kid likes to get spanked? Not any that I know of.
Sometimes I wonder if this is the reason why I got into the D/s in the first place, growing up in it was unusual but I always told myself I would never want to be in that kind of relationship but I think that deep down I knew that is what I needed and that is what I craved and that is why I finally gave into those inner demons and just accepted that this is who I am....I am a brat...I am a submissive and I like it and if anyone has a problem with that then it's thier problem and not mine. But how much of a brat is to much in a relationship? And how much of a submissive is to much in a relationship? Is there a line or not? Recently MG told me one nite as we were on the phone talking that I was acting like I was eight years old .....I took it very personally and he hurt my feelings, and that nite after we got off the phone I cried myself to sleep because of what he said. And I have now second guessed myself and I have questioned myself as to do I act like I am an eight year old brat? Is he right? Is he wrong? Am I over reacting to crying myself to sleep over his comment or do I have every right to be hurt by it? These are questions that go unanswered and probably will remain that way. But these have been the thoughts going through my head for the last few days!
I have carried this into my adulthood ....and when I was a child I could make the excuse that I didn't know any better and I was just a child but now can I make those same excuses? No I can't. I am now an adult and I do know better so why can't I stop myself from making certain mistakes in my life ...because I know where it will lead too ...it will lead to me feeling guilty and having MG upset with me and disappointed in me which is what I want to avoid in the first place. It's almost like I subconciously do things in order to get into "trouble" so I can go through the motions of feeling guilty and being punished so I can feel good again about me. It's almost like I miss the discipline I had when I was growing up. My dad was very old fashioned and he used spanking as part of his diciplinary methods with all three of us kids ....which I hated as a kid, but what kid likes to get spanked? Not any that I know of.
Sometimes I wonder if this is the reason why I got into the D/s in the first place, growing up in it was unusual but I always told myself I would never want to be in that kind of relationship but I think that deep down I knew that is what I needed and that is what I craved and that is why I finally gave into those inner demons and just accepted that this is who I am....I am a brat...I am a submissive and I like it and if anyone has a problem with that then it's thier problem and not mine. But how much of a brat is to much in a relationship? And how much of a submissive is to much in a relationship? Is there a line or not? Recently MG told me one nite as we were on the phone talking that I was acting like I was eight years old .....I took it very personally and he hurt my feelings, and that nite after we got off the phone I cried myself to sleep because of what he said. And I have now second guessed myself and I have questioned myself as to do I act like I am an eight year old brat? Is he right? Is he wrong? Am I over reacting to crying myself to sleep over his comment or do I have every right to be hurt by it? These are questions that go unanswered and probably will remain that way. But these have been the thoughts going through my head for the last few days!
Labels: D/s relationships, Spanking Related
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Contemplating
I sit here at 10:25 p.m and I contemplate if I should eat this cupcake and then eat more until I can feel some comfort! I know it will put a nitch in my weight loss efforts and I have worked so hard at getting the weight off but on the other hand my "emotional" state that I am in makes me not want to care about myself :( There are days where I love my life and I love "ME" and then there are days where I just hate "ME" :( I have all this pressure and I have a hard time handling it....and it doesn't help that I have to handle it all on my own. I just wish I could erase the last eleven years of my life and pretend it never existed ...but that is not realistic. I am slowly learning that life is just plain hard no matter how you look at it and either you jump in and survive or you give up and jump off the cliff. I need to feel some comfort in my life and right now the only thing I have is "food" for that :(
Labels: My Thoughts