Brat Out Of Control

Has anyone ever wondered why they like to be spanked? I have wondered it many times and I still really have not come up with a decent answer, other than it's what I need. I have been on the bratty side all of my life ...in fact my nickname has been "brat" for as long as I can remember and I don't mind it when people say I am a brat, because it's true and to me it's more of a compliment than a put down. I would never be able to live without any control in my life. I need guidance, motivation and control and I need it coming from someone who loves me...I have that in my life now which I am grateful for.

I am still trying to forgive myself for some things I recently did ....MG has forgiven me but it's just hard for me to believe that it was that easy for him. I just am hard on myself and that is because I believe that I need to be due to my past :( I hate myself when I do this ....I just wish I could learn not to punish myself , but I am afraid that it's the only way I know how to deal with it for now. If it were up to me I would have myself beat for what I did ...and believe me I have tried, but with no luck and I guess that is because others care more about me than I do about myself :(

Labels: My Thoughts, Spanking Related

I feel lonely tonite. At nite I feel the lonliest and I end up crying myself to sleep. Tonite I feel really badly and I wish I knew how to shake the feeling but it's like I won't allow myself to shake this feeling. I have family and friends, yet they seem invisible to me right now :( I feel unwanted and it's not a good feeling to have, especially when family makes you feel that way. I don't like feeling this way but the fact is I do feel this way and I don't think it's changing anytime soon :( I feel lonely tonite!

Labels: My Thoughts

Time to post again but I am not really sure on what I should blog about. But here it goes anyways! Since the holidays it seems as if my life has been in this whirlwind, ups, downs, emotional twists and turns. Isn't that what life is all about? I have taken great care to really try and focus on my New Year's resolutions and so far I think I am doing a good job of it. I have lost more weight so this is a positive change in my life.

But there have been a few things that are not so positive. I am feeling really guilty as I should feel for lying to MG. He was suspicios for awhile and he finally confronted me and I finally caved and just told him the truth. These are serious things I lied about and it affects our relationship in a very serious way. I was so afraid that he was going to end the relationship over what I did but he told me the only thing that is going to end the relationship is if I continue to lie to him.

I love this man more than life itself and I feel terrible for hurting him in this way. I know what it is like to be lied to, it's very hurtful especially when it comes from someone you love very much. He says he still loves me and that we have to move foward and let this go, that he forgives me but the question remains ...how do I forgive myself?

Things are going good in my life since the New Year hit! I am determined to make 2007 count and I hope that this year is better than the last. But as a friend once told me "You are the one in control of your happiness and no one else" And that is so true, it just has taken me some time to get used to that way of thinking. As I said in my previous post MG came to see me for Christmas and the New Year and it was sooo nice to have him here with me to ring in the New Year with. We had alot of fun too :) I got the spankings I deserved and he had the pleasure of giving them to me :) We also got to do alot of fun things around the Houston area and just spend good quality time togather. We also got alot resolved as far as our relationship goes and that is a very good thing because now I know we will be ok and everything will work out as he has been saying all along, it just took him showing me that in order for me to truly be at peace with it. The one thing we both know and that is we both love each other and all the other things will work out because of our love for each other. I have decided to work on some of my New Year's resolutions even if some of them seem impossible, all I can do is try!

My New Year's Resolutions:
1. to lose more weight ( so far I have lost 49 lbs and I am determined to lose another 50 lbs before the year is up)
2. to work on my self-esteem and self-image and try harder in therapy.
3.to communicate better with MG and tell him how I am feeling when he asks.
4. to try and journal here more

Labels: Goals

Happy New Year everyone! I haven't posted in quite sometime but mainly due to being busy with the holidays but now that 2006 is behind us it's time for a new start in 2007...at least for me. MG came to Houston for the holidays which was a very nice surprise and the most wonderful gift I could ever ask for! We haven't seen each other for nine months so when he came to see me on December 22 thru Jan. 2nd I was ecstatic! It was the greatest Christmas gift he could have given me! We had lots of fun togather ....we talked, we went to the movies, we spent Christmas with my family and for the first time he met my parents and sister which went very well so I was pleased. He spanked me for past transgressions which was good because I was expecting him to do that. I also got to experience an erotic spanking from him for the very first time which was real good and I enjoyed it! Overall we had lots of fun , but the main thing was we were togather for 11 wonderful days and if felt great! The nite before he left I got very emotional because I knew the next day he was flying back to Ohio and that made me sad :( I miss him tremendously and my heart about broke in two when I had to leave to go to work yesterday morning when I knew that he was flying back to Ohio and I wouldn't see him when I got home from work :( This was his 7th visit to Houston to see me and I think that his leaving this time was way worse on me emotionally than any other time and I think it's because I discovered that I love this man with all of my heart and soul and I know he loves me just as equally and it was hard to see him go! I am even crying off and on today as I think about him and the memories that we have created. I know he will be back but I am an inpatient person when it comes to waiting on something I really want but I know that he has to tie up loose ends in Ohio and I have to tie up loose ends here in Houston before we can be togather. The saying "Good things come to those who wait" is really testing me with this but I know in the end we will be togather and we will laugh about these moments that make us sad now.

Labels: My Thoughts